Friday 9 September 2016

Successful people


I had intended to work for the rest of the week, honest, but they are not ready for me (they never have been) so I have more precious time to waste spend here with you.

Gore Vidal once quipped that every time he heard of a friend's success, a little part of him died. I think this is the opposite of how I felt when I saw Sarah's latest book promotion photo, and I only wish she was in this hemisphere so I could help her celebrate. I am sure that she does not feel the same way, and not just because of me - you cannot write stuff like that about Somerset and the rest of Wessex, even if your name is Thomas Hardy. It just isn't big enough for a start, and there is not enough water.

I have an Ethiopean friend who used to be a landscape gardener before old age and infirmity put a stop to it. He was head gardener for a famous British architect, and he proudly recounted how the architect would fly in and out in his own helicopter, with himself at the controls as the pilot.

Shortly after I met him, another landscape designer friend of mine killed himself by parking his car a few yards away from my little cottage in the country (at the bottom of the lane in the photo) and putting a hosepipe through the window attached to the exhaust outlet.

He was discovered next morning by my next-door neighbour, who parked her car in the same area and was leaving early in the morning for her job as a nurse. I was not aware of the tragedy until the following evening, when she returned home.

He had, she told me, gone a very strange purple colour because of the carbon monoxide in his bloodstream. You don't think of details like this until you experience them first-hand.

It wasn't until the day after that I realised that I had known this man. I had even had a conversation with him a couple of hours before his suicide. He had explained to me that his business was going very badly and he was getting to the point of having to fold it. He told me that he had gone to a mutual friend an hour before to ask to borry money, but the friend refused. He did not bother to ask me, knowing that I would probably not be able to raise the amount he needed, which was more than just a few pounds.

I know that he did not know precisely where I lived, so his choice of final parking place was sheer chance - or something. The friend who refused a loan was - and still is - bitterly remorseful about it.

I told my Ethiopean friend about the death, asking him whether or not he had known the man as a fellow landscape gardener. His reply has stuck in my mind forever.

"No," he said, "I only know successful people."

34 comments:

  1. I had a friend who drove his Jag XJS into a huge Oak tree to kill himself. He'd lost everything and couldn't face the 'shame'. It wouldn't have made one jot of difference to all his friends if had money or not.

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    1. Once you become that depressed, not much gets through. Such a shame.

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  2. I guess in some cultures just being alive is a sucess

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    1. Being alive in your homeland counts for a lot these days.

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  3. Oh dear ..... How sad. So many people are leading difficult lives and some are so desperate that they can't go on.......makes me realise how fortunate I am. XXXX

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    1. I've always suspected that you are blessed and charmed, but what do I know?

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  4. I think Cro hits the nail on the head here. Do we really care whether the friends we love are successful or not? No I don't think we do, but I do think it is often important to them.

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    1. Just think how many friends I would have now if I were successfull!

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  5. He was thoughtful to commit suicide that way.

    Gore Vidal talking about mainstream TV News: "CNN, Fox, BBC - it's all fiction."

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    1. I was asked recently how - if ever - I would choose a mode of suicide, and I said 'pistol shot to the heart'. They said, 'why not head?' and I said that I would not want anyone to have to clear my head up.

      Shoot syourself in the heart, and it stops pumping immediately. No mess, no fuss.

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    2. Good advice. Better than to jump in front of a train. When I read of these incidents I always think of the train driver who has to go home to his wife and kids.

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  6. Sorry Tom. While it may be sad to some, sometimes one has reached the point, has had enough and is ready to go.

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    1. You have to think of others before topping yourself. It is a duty. You have to allow others - your nearest and dearest if you have some - to help you, otherwise you fuck them up forever.

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  7. I agree with Donna Baker. I have first hand experience of a suicidal partner and only with the help of doctors (mainly in the form of medication) and a guardian angel looking on at the time is he still here. No amount of telling him that all his thoughts were wrong, and everybody loved him whatever, would have made any difference at the time.

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    1. Yes, it is bloody hard work, but what is a life worth?

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    2. By the time suicidal thoughts arrived the person I knew had disappeared. All logical sense as you say in your reply to Donna has gone and it is wrong to say that the person is selfish as I know many people do. I am afraid that all reasoning like that has gone into the blackness and the person has gone and reasonable thought trains do not exist. Believe me I have lived through this not once but twice with the same man

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    3. Did your person kill themself or not?

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    4. I am saddened by your continued belief that suicide is selfish even after reading my comment. The blackness that consumed him took him away from me and he could see no way out. It is a miracle he is still here. The person who is mentally ill to the point of suicide has, putting it bluntly, completely lost the plot. It is a terribly misunderstood illness.

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    5. Ok, then. Maybe you misunderstand me. Maybe I should have said that the effects of suicide ruin more lives than just the one taken. The self may have gone but the selfishness remains.

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    6. Ok. Yes I understand that. But that person suffering would not be able to see that in the blackness but would no doubt have been through it in his mind over and over. Maybe it was what stopped P in the end; I know I can take no credit whatsover for stopping him.

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  8. When you're under the concrete cloud very little penetrates.

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    1. Best to give in and take all that pointless and bad advice from people who seem to pretend to care.

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  9. Well told. What a story. Remind me to take you with me should I ever wish to sit round a campfire with no more than my own thoughts for company.

    Special thought for Rachel. I saw her punch line coming. Not because I am clever. Just something permeating her blog posts. And there it was.

    Some years ago a friend of mine (she is American - so one may forgive her) said to me: "If I were you I'd kill myself." Come again?

    Whilst I acknowledge the bleakness Rachel describes - when you have a child you don't kill yourself. It's the ultimate no no. Anyway, why would I kill myself over a financial catastrophe?

    As to that "friend", now remorseful, may he rot in hell. The Ethopian. Well ... He most certainly won't be known by me.

    U

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    1. You have strange friends and strange attitudes towards others.

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    2. I am puzzled. You say I "have strange friends and strange attitudes towards others". I have no idea what you mean. Maybe you'll be good enough to take a minute to explain.

      "Strange friends"? I mentioned one of them, the American. Even though her remark was startling I wouldn't call her strange. Some people blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. One does have to make allowances.

      But in what way is my attitude to others strange? I might have got some of your story's characters muddled but the one ("mutual friend") who refused the dead man a loan should rot in hell. I know what I am talking about. People who do have money and sit on it (never lender nor borrower be - being their sanctimonious sing song) are the very worst. As to the Ethopian: What a callous thing to say.

      Looking forward to your enlightening me.

      U

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    3. I think you have enlightened yourself. The man who refused the loan was constantly being tapped for cash, even though he was not particularly wealthy. The man who asked for it did not - like most desperate people - make his desperation clear enough, probably because embarrassment is one of the last social inhibitions to leave you.

      So the man who refused the loan should 'rot in hell'? If you do not understand what a hard and inhuman thing this is to say, then I am not sure I identify with you, and you display quite a high degree of sociopathic tendencies on the spectrum.

      Of course the Ethiopian mindlessly said a callous thing. This is why it stuck in my mind, and why I used it as the last line on the post. Stating the obvious is a rather strange thing to do too.

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    4. Your friend who blurted out the first thing in her head by recommending you kill yourself, does not immediately seem like a very good one to me. She does remind me of the Ethiopean who you don't show any signs of tolerance or understanding towards, as you do with your 'friend'.

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  10. It's not easy to be your brother's keeper. I'm saying that generically, here, but when my brother killed himself, forty years ago, family and friends struggled with What If? The ripples continue to this day; on the other hand, like any fact of history, it happened, and we get on.

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    1. I know it has been said very often, but suicides are very selfish and uncaring.

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  12. Thank you for your reply.

    I "display quite a high degree of sociopathic tendencies on the spectrum", you say. Spectrum defined as ...? I am so glad you are not my father. If he'd say that I'd take him seriously. At least he'd know what he is talking about.

    Let's not get all high and mighty on my expression "rot in hell". It's a figure of speech for those of us who do NOT believe in an afterlife. For you to say that's "inhumane" makes me laugh. But then, see above, you have deemed me a sociopath.

    I take your point re the Ethopian's remark. However, it's still shite, just as was my "friend's".Let's call them quits.

    Back to the first paragraph of your reply: Isn't it such a shame that people are too ashamed to ask for financial help outright, make their despair clear, because ...

    U

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