The Indians at the call-centre who stole all my personal details from Talk Talk are beginning to get bored with me now. I just answered the landline, and after the 3 second pause which is the time it takes for their computer to randomly select its next victim, a man sang me a plaintive little song in his native language in a very feeble voice. That's it. No dire warnings of catastrophic faults with my computer which can only be fixed for a fee of £150. Just a half-hearted rendition of an Indian folk song. I almost thanked him for it.
My best conversation with one of these incompetent criminals went as follows:
"Hello. My name is David and I am calling you from Talk Talk. Am I speaking to Mrs Stephenson?"
"Yes."
"That is very good, Mrs Stephenson. I am calling to tell you that you have a problem with your Microsoft computer which is showing up on my system. Are you aware of it?"
"No, I am not. In fact, I am not even aware of having a Microsoft computer."
"No matter, you have a problem which is very bad and will affect all of your files very soon."
"Listen, I know you don't work for Talk Talk, and I know you are only trying to make a bit of money over there in India, David, but I don't want to be rude to you so why don't you just go away and don't call me again?"
"No no Mrs Stephenson. I DO work for Talk Talk and you DO have a very bad problem which can only be fixed by me!"
"Ok, I will tell you what is supposed to happen next. You tell me to put down my receiver and then try to make a call out, which I will not be able to do because you are still on the line, and then you will get me to type out a certain code on my machine which will produce a number which you will tell me what it is, just to prove that you are a Talk Talk technician. Am I right?"
"No no, Mrs Stephenson. I am from Talk Talk!"
"No you are not."
"Yes I am!"
"Ok, I have wasted enough time trying to be polite to you. Fuck off."
"No - YOU fuck off! Go on - Fuck off! Fuck off!"
At this point I terminated the conversation. This is really what happened, and I still laugh about it now.
A very similar exchange happened to my sister recently. She hung up after the exchange of courtesies at the end, and "David" called back at once. When the phone rang the third time, she blew a piercing blast from a referee's whistle. Sadly, the call was from me.
ReplyDeleteOh, no!
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DeleteI had a friend who kept receiving automated calls with an American accent, trying to sell insurance or whatever. At the fourth call, he picked up the phone and heard an American woman's voice say, "Hello..." and he shouted "FUCK OFF!" before slamming the phone down.
DeleteNot put off by this, the caller - who was the Features Editor of a very influencial glossy magazine - redialled to offer him an article on the ornamental metalwork he specialises in. She pretended she had not heard the first response...
Weird about the American accent thing. I don't think we much get 'robo-calls' in any other accent than standard American English. I might pay more attention were they in Welsh-accented English, or Northern Irish, or something.
DeleteHaha! Good one Mrs. Stephenson! Those Indian call center people are crazy.
ReplyDeleteWell they are certainly desperate.
DeleteThis is hilarious! And I marvel that these things keep happening to you. I have never had this experience. But then, I don't see ghosts either. Lack of imagination on my part?
ReplyDeleteNo - neither ghosts nor scammers would dare to appear in front of you, I think.
DeleteThis is so funny!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThey have my details too. They kept ringing to tell me that there was a problem with my router, I don't suffer fools gladly so I argued with them for some time until I became bored and ended the call. They finally got a woman to call me and after the initial lie I said to her
ReplyDelete"does your mother know that you are doing this?" I heard a sharp intake of breath and the call was ended and I have not been bothered since.
By the way, TalkTalk would never ring anyone unless it had been previously arranged.
That was a good tactic. I would like to casually respond to those callers using their real name - that would freak them out.
DeleteI am canceling my landline today. All we get are telemarketers and we are on the do not call list, which obviously they find a way around. Besides, since we have cell phones, I'll be glad to save the extra $110. per month.
ReplyDeleteThat's an expensive landline anyway We pay about $23 a month for everything.
DeleteI must say that this has convinced me that I do the right thing - when I get what I chose to call a cold call, I only listen to the first word and then I put the phone down.
ReplyDeleteIf I ever call you, then I will shout "WEAVE!" so you know it is me.
DeleteDarling Tom,
ReplyDeleteWe answered a call today and, sure enough, a monogrammed 108 piece porcelain dinner service arrived perfectly packaged and delivered with a smile.
You were very much in our thoughts and conversation over lunch and every time the Limoges is used to set the table, we shall think of you and the delightful Gina.
We can now forget the washing up.....we can simply throw the plates, cups and saucers on the fire as it will definitely "see us out" as they say! Yippee!
Ah, good. I'm glad they arrived without smashing it all to bits - or themselves! I tried to convince Steve that they should spend the night in Norfolk, but he was intractable about driving back again... strange...
DeleteTo everyone else, I will respond to all your comments tomorrow, but I have only just got back from a birthday party.
We get this type of call fairly regularly, so when they start the spiel, we interrupt and thank them very kindly, tell them we haven't got a computer, and put the phone down. Needless to say, the message doesn't get through.
ReplyDeleteThat's because they don't believe you any more than you believe them.
DeleteThey always call themselves William or Charles, when you know perfectly well that they're called Ravi or Oomar. That's enough for the phone to be slammed down. They don't phone me any more, I think I've been struck-off.
ReplyDeleteThey don't bother doing anything but sing to me these days. Poor things.
DeleteA woman called and when I told her I am sick and she is disturbing my rest - her answer was that I was making an excuse and she wished I'd get sick for real!
ReplyDeleteGreeting Maria x
Yes, they can be nasty. I once got a call offering me some sort of ramantic holiday for two, and I lied to the caller by saying, "Do you know how inappropriate your call is? My wife died last night." I think I ruined their day, if not their ill-chosen career.
DeleteGet an Ansaphone...if it is important callers leave a message...the spammers and arnaquers (which auto spell just decided should be "arena queers"...good old smellchequer!)...the spammers never leave a message!!
ReplyDeleteI know that I'm lazy, but I get really cross about having to press 3 and confirm with 1 on these damn calls. They are more often than not from outside France.
DeleteArena queers - sounds like a good show. I have got an answer machine, and I use it as much as I use my useless spell-checker.
DeleteI sometimes pretend to be deaf, saying "speak up I can't hear you" until they give up.
ReplyDeleteOr reply in French. "Parlez vous Francais?" is usually enough to cut short the call.
I sometimes whisper in a breathy voice that I am going to climb through their window that very night, and kill them in their sleep. I still get calls. I am just too obviously harmless.
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