Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 15 May 2016
Women in hats
What a great day for a garden party! Better than the rain of last week....
Bloated man in a suit: "And not only that, they are all a bunch of despicable bastards who would murder their own mothers for the sake of a few quid! It's all right for you, just having to shake the occasional hand every now and then, but I have to deal with the f*****s on a daily basis!"
Elderly lady in lilac hat: "How horrid. Yes, it must be very tiring."
A little later... Tall woman in 2-piece and high heels which stick into the damp turf: "I don't know if you are aware that I was forced to accompany that arsehole who calls himself an ambassador the other day to meet a trade delegation from China. How he got that job is beyond me. I suppose you weren't involved?"
Elderly lady in lilac hat: "Bad luck. No, I don't even remember what he looks like. I had no say in the matter at all, I assure you. I always find that the Chinese stand in one's way and spit on the pavement in front of one when one is shopping in Oxford Street. Very rude people"
A little later still... Man in dark suit (in a crouched whisper): "The President of Nigeria is on the phone. He says he wants his money back."
Elderly lady in lilac hat: "Oh dear. Better tell the Duke of Westminster. (Louder) Good lord - is that the time? Well I think that all went rather well, don't you?"