Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
A charmed life
We now have a new phone. H.I. - in the throes of a bad head-cold - looked at it in a stupor last night, and said, "Didn't they have one in silver?" Our new one is black, and without spending £sterling-stupid on one by Bang and bloody Olufsen, you can have any colour you like, so long as it is black, like the Model T Ford.
Well I could have bought a dirty grey one with huge, childish numbers on it made by B.T. but I didn't. Alright? When digital radios first appeared, H.I. rushed out and bought a retro one by a retro company, just because of its looks. The sound quality is dreadful - as if you are going slowly deaf - so I rushed out and spent another £80 on one which actually works properly.
I do care about the way things look, but I would rather suffer a little ugliness for something which actually works well. Our new phone is a Panasonic and as boring as hell, but - so far - it seems to work.
We still have no hot water, and - as predicted - are going to have to fit a new element. This means getting a plumber in before Good Friday, hopefully without having to pay him/her £300 per hour. Last time I thought I had drained the tank myself, I flooded the downstairs shop - that's two floors downstairs. I still may have to do it myself though, as Thomas the German dentist arrives on Monday.
A few days ago, the remote central locking fob broke loose from my keyring and just lay at the bottom of my pocket independently. I knew I had a spare - with a spare key - so the night before last I took the batteries out of the detached fob and put them into the replacement one.
I walked to my car the next morning, pointed the fob at the car and pressed the button. Nothing happened so I just opened the door with the key. That's when the alarm went off in the car, accompanied by flashing hazard lights and ignition disabling. This has never, ever happened before, despite the car being vandalised at least once.
The only way to turn it all off and drive the car was to take the tiny batteries out of the useless fob and put them in the tiny compartment in the back of the original fob (which I had, thankfully, brought with me) - a procedure which takes about ten minutes and is carried out with lights flashing, horns blaring and neighbours looking out of their windows in anger and hatred.
There are two things which I have always vowed never to do myself in the building trade - plumbing and electrics. My next domestic task involves both simultaneously, and we all know that water and electricity don't mix very well.
Negative energy in this house? No, there is so much positive energy that I may well electrocute myself when fitting the new heating element.