Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Friday, 4 December 2015
Open the window, open the door
I see from our local mag that there are a whole series of books based on the 'Ladybird' children's ones, and they are selling like crazy. The one that caught my eye was this one above. Maybe someone will buy it for me for Christmas, and maybe I will go all sulky and take it as a personal slight or hint. Hmm.
I always seems to be around this time of the year when the NHS sends out bowel-cancer testing kits which look and behave as I would imagine Advent Calendars from the old Soviet Block to be. All the real Advent calendars are getting more and more expensive, and if they don't have single chocolates behind the windows, they have things like discontinued cosmetics - at about £120 a calendar. Great way of selling last season's lines. I wouldn't like to have one of the NHS's ones on my mantlepiece, but they could make a great gift for someone you don't like. I think they may be the only legal way of sending excrement through the post.
There was one little trick that I heard of some years ago, which was played on troublesome neighbours or anyone that you don't particularly like, just so long as they live in a house.
You find the largest dog-turd available that day (it must not dry out in storage) and you place it in a large paper bag. You put the bag and its contents on the doorstep of your chosen victim, very early in the morning. You set fire to the paper, then ring the doorbell before running off to a pre-determined place where you can observe the reaction unseen.
The neighbour comes to the door (they must not have a remote entry-phone system) and opens it to find a small fire right on their doorstep, so repeatedly stamps on it - hopefully in carpet-slippers - to put it out. Simples.
I have never - and would never have - tried this. I get on very well with my neighbours.