Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 25 October 2015
What is that stuff called?
It's one of those crisp, sunny, Autumn days when tiny spiders drift through the air on single strands of whatever you call the stuff which comes out of their arse which they make webs with. There must be a single word for it, but it is not 'web'.
I leaned out the window and watched the first Africans run past, ahead of the thousands of others who are taking part in the marathon which passes through Bath today. They are still coming past - there must be hundreds of them. I think it is Bristol to Bath and back, or maybe the other way round.
I came back in and found one of the little spiders dangling in front of my nose, so I put it out of the window again. I like to think it has hitched a ride all the way to Bristol on one of the runners, but they really don't need to hitch rides - they are pretty good at catching the breeze on their own.
They also travel a lot further than the 13 miles to Bristol. They have been know to point their little backsides in the air and release their foothold (all 8), then drift so high on a favourable breeze that they end up at 30,000 feet in the paths of airliners, cadging lifts all the way to the USA and beyond.
I have one rather dim-witted and short-sighted friend who is keen on the Autumn sport of pheasant shooting. One day rather like this one, he was out with a shooting party - all dressed up in tweeds and plus-twos - and as the rest of the party lowered their guns and waited for the next flush to appear, he raised his, let it off and shouted, "Got it!"
Nobody else had seen a single bird in the sky, and said so. He insisted he had shot the lone pheasant, and even pointed them to the spot where he saw it fall. They went to the place, but no bird - dead or alive - could be found.
After a bit of detective work, he finally realised that a little spider had lowered itself from the peak of his cap and into his unfocussed vision, and when he pulled the trigger of the shotgun, the thing had dropped sharply down in shock.