Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Saturday, 18 July 2015
The trip of a lifetime
It's a beautiful day, and nothing is going to upset me - until tonight after a half a bottle of wine.
There are puffy white clouds skudding along a patchy blue sky, just like they always do near the bend in the road of A Canterbury Tale. "What do you know about our bend?"
I got a brochure for a cruise-liner sent through to me yesterday. I should never have admitted my true age when I filled out that form, all those years ago.
The brochure must have cost a great deal of money to produce, with glossy, full-colour photos of the Fjords, white houses going down to the sea at Santorini, the great mosque of Istanbul and gondolas in Venice.
Leafing through it, I began to imagine what the cheaper quarters on board would be like and started to think of slavers. At the end of the brochure was a plan map of the berths, and they looked exactly like those 18th century drawings of slave ships, showing the most economical way of packing as many Africans in a four-master as possible, allowing for a certain percentage to die on the voyage. It is a question of cutting your losses.
Today I will book a holiday, though it won't be on a cruise ship. I fancy getting on a train to Rome, but H.I. would prefer to get on a plane from Bristol, which does not have anything other than connecting flights to there via horrid Schipol.
In a way, we need not leave Bath until after September, as the whole of Spanish adolescence comes to us by the coach-load. I have not seen one plain-looking girl amongst them - they're all stunning young things. Every time I look out of the window, there are about 50 sets of tanned legs wandering past, each with a red rucksack carrying God knows what.
What about those photos of the Queen (well, the 6 year-old Princess Elizabeth, actually) standing in the garden giving a Hitler salute?
For heaven's sake - it was 1933, she was 6, and her arm is even being held up by Edward. Even he couldn't have guessed what Hitler would turn out like. He was a simpleton who probably promised Hitler that he would return as king once the Nazis had overrun Britain. I believe it was the Queen Mother who banished Edward from the land, and it was after then that he made his little trip to see the Fuhrer.
Anyway, I said that nothing was going to upset me...