Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Friday, 19 June 2015
Red-heads need not apply
When you are as witty, charming and entertaining as I am after a few drinks, it is very dangerous to tell the people that surround you in the pub, hanging on your every word, that you have run out of money and are going home. They beg and plead with you to stay, even going so far as to buy you more drinks with their own money.
When I protested that I was just about to miss The Archers, they assured me that I would be able to catch up on Sunday, when the entire week's episodes are repeated for the third time. Even people who never listen to The Archers seem to know about the omnibus.
So I went home, tried to eat a bit of Waitrose curry, then settled down to composing abusive emails and forum posts as usual.
Long after H.I. had gone to bed, I tackled the controversial issue of the pub's Ladies toilet colour scheme, and posted up a tirade which culminated in blaming the tasteless renovation on the ship being spoilt for want of a ha'penny's worth of tar by saying that not only did it look as though it was designed by a committee, it actually was designed by a committee.
Then an unusual thing happened. I had second thoughts about the post - I actually listened to the little, sober, warning voice in my head which advised me that the post needed toning down a bit, and that I would only wake up in the night wondering what the hell I had written whilst breaking out in the toxic sweat of bitter remorse if I didn't.
So I went back to it and revised the whole thing until it ended up as an innocuous question along the lines of 'what do you think of the new toilets?', but with the suggestion only that I didn't think much of them and that it was - after all - only a matter of using a different sort of paint when it is next decorated. According to history, that won't be for another 30 years, by which time I will have ceased caring anyway.
There is not much anyone can do about the purple Linoleum without spending another £1000 on it though. Yes, I did say purple Linoleum.
Two of the committee have ginger hair. One of them suggested purple and the other went out and ordered it. What relevance is their hair colour, I hear you wonder? Quite a lot, actually.
Many years of casual observation has shown me that people with red hair colouring generally go for three basic colours in their personal dress - orange, green and purple. These are the three most disturbing colours when used out of context and in large amounts, especially when juxtaposed against each other - orange jacket, green skirt and purple shoes, for instance. You can only (just) get away with vast swathes of purple and green in the Scottish Highlands, and even then it has to be in the form of heather, and even then it cannot be all year round.
If I ran a company which employed interior designers, I am afraid to say that I would discriminate against red-heads. This is a shocking admission, I know, and I wouldn't come out about it in public if I did run such a company, but discriminate I would nevertheless.
I would have my shareholders to consider and the future of the company would have to be assured at any cost, covert or otherwise.
(I could swear that is Ray Davis advertising the wig on eBay.)