Friday, 19 June 2015

Red-heads need not apply


When you are as witty, charming and entertaining as I am after a few drinks, it is very dangerous to tell the people that surround you in the pub, hanging on your every word, that you have run out of money and are going home. They beg and plead with you to stay, even going so far as to buy you more drinks with their own money.

When I protested that I was just about to miss The Archers, they assured me that I would be able to catch up on Sunday, when the entire week's episodes are repeated for the third time. Even people who never listen to The Archers seem to know about the omnibus.

So I went home, tried to eat a bit of Waitrose curry, then settled down to composing abusive emails and forum posts as usual.

Long after H.I. had gone to bed, I tackled the controversial issue of the pub's Ladies toilet colour scheme, and posted up a tirade which culminated in blaming the tasteless renovation on the ship being spoilt for want of a ha'penny's worth of tar by saying that not only did it look as though it was designed by a committee, it actually was designed by a committee.

Then an unusual thing happened. I had second thoughts about the post - I actually listened to the little, sober, warning voice in my head which advised me that the post needed toning down a bit, and that I would only wake up in the night wondering what the hell I had written whilst breaking out in the toxic sweat of bitter remorse if I didn't.

So I went back to it and revised the whole thing until it ended up as an innocuous question along the lines of 'what do you think of the new toilets?', but with the suggestion only that I didn't think much of them and that it was  - after all - only a matter of using a different sort of paint when it is next decorated. According to history, that won't be for another 30 years, by which time I will have ceased caring anyway.

There is not much anyone can do about the purple Linoleum without spending another £1000 on it though. Yes, I did say purple Linoleum.

Two of the committee have ginger hair. One of them suggested purple and the other went out and ordered it. What relevance is their hair colour, I hear you wonder? Quite a lot, actually.

Many years of casual observation has shown me that people with red hair colouring generally go for three basic colours in their personal dress - orange, green and purple. These are the three most disturbing colours when used out of context and in large amounts, especially when juxtaposed against each other - orange jacket, green skirt and purple shoes, for instance. You can only (just) get away with vast swathes of purple and green in the Scottish Highlands, and even then it has to be in the form of heather, and even then it cannot be all year round.

If I ran a company which employed interior designers, I am afraid to say that I would discriminate against red-heads. This is a shocking admission, I know, and I wouldn't come out about it in public if I did run such a company, but discriminate I would nevertheless.

I would have my shareholders to consider and the future of the company would have to be assured at any cost, covert or otherwise.

(I could swear that is Ray Davis advertising the wig on eBay.)

24 comments:

  1. I'm afraid I'm one of those red, orange and green people. Oh I also love brown. I do. And a kind of browny burgundy.
    Also, I was only thinking today that whenever I wear a hat, any hat, I end up looking like the bloke in the photograph.

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    1. Damn. Red, PURPLE and green people.

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    2. I have seen quite a few photos of you over the years, Sarah, and in none of them did you remotely resemble Ray Davis. Anyway, you are not in the interior design business, as I have also noticed in the photographs. Three-piece furniture suites on beaches is about as far as you go by the look of it.

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    3. I'll take all of the above as a compliment Tom

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    4. Please do. I'm too hung-over to be accusatorial anyway.

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  2. It's either Ray Davis or Rob Ray. The only colour I really dislike is Orange, and I've managed to own 2 Orange coloured cars.

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  3. It's either Ray Davis or Rob Ray. The only colour I really dislike is Orange, and I've managed to own 2 Orange coloured cars.

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    1. As many orange cars as comments, then.

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  4. This is soooooo funny. I have a bright red head colleague who lives in orange tops. Very vivid. They are accompanied by forest green generally or more orange. I haven't seen her wear purple yet but will be on the lookout.

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  5. A picture of the interior of the loo certainly would be worth your trouble.

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    1. I'll go in there when I am feeling stronger.

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  6. My son, who has violently red hair (now tinged with grey I fear) must be the exception that proves the rule because as far as I can see he seems to live in clothes which are a nondescript khaki colour.

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    1. It's generally women who go for those colours I think, Weave.

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  7. People with red hair are often advised to wear green as it is supposed to compliment their hair { and, they often have green eyes } and purple eyeshadow brings out the green in green eyes but, I'm not sure if that last bit about eyes is relevant !!!! Why Orange I don't know ….. I can't stand orange !
    I just wear black and sludgy colours ….. I know where I am with them but then, I'm blonde so it doesn't matter { although, I have green eyes }
    That was a bit of a rubbish comment ….. sorry !!!! XXXX

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    1. No, your comment was interesting. I am now wondering who it is that advises Gingers to wear Green and orange - personal stylists with red hair too?

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    2. I thought that it was all to do with the Colour Spectrum wheel where opposite colours compliment each other.
      Blue/violet is opposite orange so I can see the purple thing but, this theory goes a bit to pot as green is next to yellow which is next to orange so that side of it rather disproves this theory !
      Catherine Tate did some brilliant sketches about being ginger { where gingers had to go to a safe house !! } …… it's probably on YouTube. XXXX

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    3. I know an appallingly bad joke involving gingers. It is - if you have a warped sense of humour - very funny, but just too bad to be told in anything other than whispers. I got hit for telling it once.

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  8. A friend of mine's a redhead, and she wears a lot of orange and green shades, but rarely goes to purple. She poked fun at me as my colour of the moment has been magenta, which for whatever reason, looks good on me. When I pointed out her pumpkin orange and lime green colours appearing again and again, she laughed at herself.

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    1. Good. Gingers in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

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  9. I enjoyed this
    Shit day here in wales

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  10. I have been a dyed redhead for years. When at an interview for a job and being asked to tell my three greatest faults, I told the gentleman that I did not look good in purple. I was offered the job but did not take it.i I was insulted that someone would ask such a stupid question.

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    1. Dyed ones don't count, I think. It's a bit like that white South African woman who insists that she is now black.

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