Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
If you want to ever work again, just do as I say
I'm taking the day off from my real work today, because I am going to attempt to download a sophisticated software program to edit film and photos and I think it might take that long to do it, plus I have to give the massive hard-drive back to the owner tomorrow.
It might be easier than I am expecting it to be, which will leave me more time to get to know how to use it once it is there.
This is just stage one of a number of stages in producing a video-mapping project for our pub which is scheduled for sometime in May. The other stages include simple things like raising about £7000 from shareholders and local businesses, creating about 30 drawn images as a story-board for the artiste, taking as much video and archive material as possible to collate into something vaguely meaningful and - last but not least - approaching the young couple whose kitchen window is the only viable position to site the projector for the actual show.
I know what they look like, and I am pretty sure that they are not English. I don't know how amenable they will be to my proposal that I take over their kitchen for three nights in the Spring, and I don't know where their doorbell is. I am hoping they speak good English so that they do not suspect me to be an immigration official posing as a video artist in order to get into their flat.
If all goes wrong, then I have decided that rather than waste all that time and money, I will simply put up a tower scaffold right outside their window and hope that they will not alert the authorities incase I - in turn - alert the authorities to them. You need a licence to put up scaffold in these streets.
This video is a joint project between me and about 50 other people, but I have made it clear that I am putting my director's hat on for all of it. It's bad enough to have to deal with a Board of 9 when rubber-stamping building work, and I am certainly not relinquishing artistic control to a committee of 536 others. To do that would be to put forward the whole thing until May 2025.
The Cohen Brothers are the only joint video artists that I know of (aside from Gilbert and George, and they don't count) and as far as I am aware, only one person can look through a viewfinder at one time.
I am told that I have to get off the internet when I instal this program, otherwise it communicates with its creators and screams for help. This way I can tell it that if it ever wants to see the light of day again, it can just shut up and do what I tell it to do. I learned this technique from the old Hollywood producers.
Everything is too clever for its own good these days.