Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Friday, 23 January 2015
Scratching my arse
I've been a bit quiet of late, sitting around and scratching my arse, longing to go back to bed. Instead, I have been herding cats - cats who have found themselves the unwitting custodians of millions of pounds of other people's money.
As soon as the cats feel the heavy weight of responsibility that this entails, they turn into headless chickens. As soon as they turn into headless chickens, someone needs to step in and herd them using a combination of benign (but totally assumed) authority and the clear-sighted common-sense that only an outsider can provide.
You wouldn't believe the crazy decisions that most people make when they are trying to please all of the people, all of the time, and you wouldn't believe the state of blind panic that they find themselves in when someone throws a very expensive, hot potato in their hands.
Aside from my 15% project management fees I am earning from one aspect of these jobs and the great deal more from the other, I have undergone a flashingly bright and brief education process which is truly worth more money than you could ever afford to pay for it.
In a microcosm of National Politics, one job entails every single ingredient involved in running a piss-up in a brewery, but in an infinitesimally smaller scale. Not that it seems small to the people who have had the hot potato thrown at them, mind.
Ever wondered how Alistair Campbell got himself into the situation he did? Ever wondered how Machiavelli did the same? Or Rasputin? Try knocking some sense into the manifold heads of any committee and you will find out.
What's the worst that could happen? You drop a £250,000 sculpture and it becomes worthless - to the owner. You lose a million quid and 350 people lose a few thousand pounds - and their jobs. Do I look as though I care?
Well I do actually, but I am only pretending. It's the only way to keep a clear head under fire. That's a trick I learnt from Tony Blair, plus a handful of other assorted psychopaths.