Thursday 25 December 2014

How The Rat was born


Posting on Christmas day? Has that Tom Stephenson got a life? Well no, actually.

We did the Christmas thing last night, so I have the whole day to myself today. I washed-up before I went to bed, and when I went to put something back into the oven this morning, I found a huge tray of roast parsnips which I had forgotten to dish out last night. Parsnips are not too good when re-heated, and don't go well with omelettes.

H.I. couldn't stop herself from buying six Christmas crackers for £35, and when we pulled them last night - all in one go - not only did they all fail miserably to crack, but the stuff that fell out of them was of no better quality than the £5 ones that I wanted to buy. Even the jokes were crap - so crap that I cannot remember a single one today.

I thought that the whole thing about crackers was that they are supposed to be crap and the price should reflect this, but then I remembered my friend who was a nanny for a Saudi family in London and how she used to have to sweep up the Rolex watches in the bathroom which had fallen out of the children's crackers the night before. You are talking about £40,000 for six with those crackers. I wonder if they had Mullah Nasrudin jokes inside, and real crowns?

I briefly mentioned yesterday about seeing the European Space Station fly over in the dark last night, and how I went out to watch it. It is the size of a football-pitch - like everything else which isn't the size of Wales.

It is worth mentioning again how I managed to ruin a whole family's Christmas by shouting out, "Look! It's the European Space Station!" at a group of children who had been told by their parents that it was Santa's sleigh going over at about 30,000 miles per hour. When I looked back I saw another group of children waving at it, so it's a good thing they were out of earshot.

I have spent hours making the above cake which features the Rat who represents me. You might think that this was a heart-warming and charming thing to do, but in reality it is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to get the children to love me after another year of enduring my real, belligerent, selfish and rude behaviour.

I remember how this rat came into existence long before the kids were born, and it was an ignominious  beginning to a sly and untrustworthy existence.

H.I. would go to the kitchen cupboard to fetch the last of some tasty morsel which she had been saving for herself to eat the next day, only to find that it had gone.

"Have you eaten the last ...?" she would ask me, and I would deny it, adding that I had seen a large rat sneaking into the cupboard before she had come downstairs.

Before long, this rat had taken on an almost real existence of its own, and came to be known as Rat. It took the blame for all sorts of shameful things, and in order to divert the justifiable accusations and recriminations away from itself, it would portray itself in all manner of beguiling and disarming ways, such as the one below.

The children grew up with The Rat, so needed no suspension of disbelief to go along with the ruse, and - unlike with Santa - they continue to play the game, 22 years later.

When Green Eyes or The Boy gives me a card or present, it is addressed to 'Ratty'. I really don't deserve it - either way.


15 comments:

  1. Well I just had to come and have a look over here didn't I, especially as you've been complimenting me on my post. Your rat is a log smarter than my rats, but they do turn up in unusual places in my drawings. I did one on an envelope for your Christmas Card but I never posted it because I thought you might get mad at me. You reminded me that I forgot the Christmas Crackers, they are still in the cupboard. They probably wouldn't have been any good anyway, half-price from Waitrose and miniatures at that, I wasn't feeling very generous. I hope you have a good day and everybody likes you and if not you can always get the rubber gloves onto your feet... well you could x

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    1. If you had mentioned parsnips last night, I may have remembered to dish out mine. Have you knifed P yet?

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    2. No, there's still time.. Two jars of honey for Christmas present so far so he is on borrowed time. He has just dragged something in from the truck which he says is "another" present for me. I cant wait.

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  2. I looked at crackers in Waitrose…6 for £20, or something like that…and actually bought 8 in Poundland…..for £1 would you believe!! We still have some of the things that came from much more expensive crackers on the back of the sideboard from last year…husband was yakking on about seeing Santa in the sky last night when we went to bed, but he never explained it was the space station. I think I was awake at 5.22 so could have seen it…maybe! Have loved your posts this last few months, and also enjoy the " animosity?" between you and Rachel, who I also read . Look forward to getting to know you better next year. XX

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  3. Ps We have had rats in the house..behind the kitchen cupboards , and once in the lounge…I quite like them!

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  4. £1 for 8 crackers is my idea of a bargain, nomatter how crap they are.

    I have nothing against rats, apart from their pissing on everything they walk over as they eat your food, giving you horrible and life-threatening diseases.

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  5. That morsel eating rat is a universal traveller. First, it lived with us in Germany and then it travelled with us to the US. The cake looks smashing, though. Worthy of a baking competition entry in Trelawnyd.

    And have you got a life? I certainly don't, not only did I do my usual rush to the computer to see what's going on in your world, but I also counted how many Xs you gave each commenter in your last post. Should I consider getting a hobby?

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    1. I was hoping that nobody was going to read the xs in the previous post and read any meaning into the numbers.

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  6. Adorable. We can't all be nice all of the time. re crackers - make your own. Then you can put anything you want into them. Chocolates are the best idea I feel, as noone really wants the stuff in them no matter how well considered it is!

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    1. Last year, a little nutmeg grater fell out of my cracker, and it is the best thing I have ever had from them.

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  7. I would consume those abandoned Parsnips with some Mayo.

    When we first moved to France our house hadn't been lived in for several years and there were Rats in the loft.They made a terrible noise at night. I bought one of those cage traps for them, and they would become very irate when caught. Emptying them was even worse that listening to them partying at night.

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    1. I don't think that a real rodent has ever set foot in our compact but adorable city apartment since it was built about 250 years ago, but I bet there have been a few in the cellars.

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  8. £35.00? That would have bought a lot of rat food. Merry Christmas to you though Tom. x

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