Thursday, 16 October 2014

Achieving excellence


I suppose that anyone whose self esteem is so low that they would be willing to pay £1095 to some bully to tell them to buck-up may consider attending a course such as this.

Any little pussy-cat that looks into a mirror and sees a lion needs a different sort of therapy I would have thought - maybe one entitled 'Know Your Limits'. This would probably be quite well subscribed, as the first thing the trainee would do when enrolling on the course would be to over-spend on the fee, believing that it was a 'special price' with 'limited availability'.

Have you (Brits) noticed that the gits who run these training courses have almost always got Midland accents? A really successful personal trainer would begin - and end - by saying, "Right. The first thing you have to understand, right, is don't listen to any bully with a Midlands accent who is trying to tell you that he can tap your hidden potential, right, and release the giant within you, right? Now here's your money - take it and bugger off."

I defy anyone to watch an episode of Ricky Gervais in 'The Office' without cringing, particularly the one where he - somehow - gets paid what he thinks is a lot of money to give a motivational talk to a roomful of company employees.

He comes jogging into the room wearing trainers, leather jacket and a baseball cap with 'Simply The Best' playing through the speakers. It is so awful, because it is so accurate.

H.I. is sometimes forced to sit through sessions like this, when the managers have booked some ghastly bloke to shout manager-speak to an auditorium of people who are about 50 times more qualified than him to give the talk.

When she was last assessed (as a teacher of painting and drawing) she would have got full marks were it not for the fact that she didn't use a whiteboard and felt-tip pens when she taught. I am serious.

There is an entire industry based on this nonsense, and the trouble is that the managers write their own contracts, their own rulebooks and their own modus operandi.

If they say you are not fit to teach, then you are not fit to teach, even if you have been doing it for 40 years longer than they have.

27 comments:

  1. This comment is nothing to do with the above subject - but I've just figured out what H.I. stands for - doh.

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    1. What do you think it stands for? I'll tell you if you are right or not.

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    2. Perhaps we could make a game of it.

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    3. I always thought it was 'Heavily Independent'.

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  2. I thought that was an 80s thing

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    1. It was, but don't forget that was when they first started to make themselves legally indispensable.

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  3. All this (I think) dates back to when 'Time and Efficiency' was invented. It's been a downward slide ever since.

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    1. You were thinking of 'Health and Efficiency' I know it. Dirty old man.

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  4. I used to cringe when management would send us off to be motivated. Then I had the office next door to the time and motion guy. He was a fascinating character, and took me to lunch often to spin his stories of his youth somewhere in eastern Europe. He was captured in the woods, by the Russians, trying to escape to the west during the war. They let him go on because when dining with the the Russian general who captured him he knew the proper use of a fish fork, all the privates having caught and prepared the trout for dinner. He knew how to do everything correctly.

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    1. If only his modern equivalents has such an interesting past.

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  5. When I was a parent helper on a school trip I was given a folder to read beforehand. I was told it contained instructions on how to behave around children. Priceless.

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  6. I never underwent this sort of training. I was a know all from birth and deem it unnecessary for me.

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    1. Stockbrokers who do their own cleaning to save money do not waste money on these sort of things. Motivation and nous are taken as read or you wouldn't be in the job. It is local authorities who still do it and it is OUR money they are wasting.

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    2. You work for a local authority now don't you? Why waste your own money?

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    3. If you say this to any council employee they look at you in total disbelief, and truly appear not to have ever thought of it in this way as they go about wasting their own money like I did yesterday while I read Private Eye for two hours. I don't consider it work, just a day out and the wasting money bit, well if you cant beat 'em join 'em.

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  7. There always were whizz kids in education - usually in 'advisory' jobs rather than at the chalk face (which they couldn't cope with).

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    1. At least Michael Gove has been locked in a padded cell for his own good.

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  8. I am going to stop commenting on anyone who makes me wait for their approval before the deem any reaction of mine to be worthy of publication, especially if I click a button saying, 'PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT', then am told that they will look at it as soon as they can find the time. What are they frightened of, for fuck's sake?

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    1. I agree. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

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  9. I remember going to a management training day and there being toys on our desk. The lady said "We've done some research and we think that you pay more attention if you're using your hands, so feel free to play with the toys while I talk to you all". I switched off after that.

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    1. What's wrong with doodling on a bit of paper when you are bored?

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