Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Last night's moon - they used to be called 'Harvest Moons' but now everyone calls them 'Super Moons'. Yet another indication of how remote and detached we have become from agriculture.
Us English people are now beginning to panic at the increasingly real prospect of Scotland breaking away from the U.K. and the Prime Minister has resorted to a tearful, undignified, public screaming-fit of "Jock! I love you! Don't leave, pleeeeeze!"
The Queen is tearing her hair out at the thought that the Scots might turn against her forever and take over the flat in Holyrood, chucking out all the Robert Kime chintz and replacing it with Charles Rennie Macintosh furnishings.
The trouble is that nobody on either side has even begun to think the whole thing through until now, the very last minute. This includes the cynical move of granting a vote in the referendum to 16 year-olds, who are renowned the world over for not thinking things through until they reach middle age.
The English have been accused of running a very negative campaign over the last year or so, but if you fall into a camp whose title is 'No', then it is very difficult to cast a positive spin on any argument you might put forward against the split.
I would have thought that the 'No' group constantly referring to the 'Yes' vote as one for independence rather than destruction was generously positive toward the 'Yes' camp, but - like I say - they haven't thought anything through until the eleventh hour.
With the vote only a matter of days away, the English are sitting around with gaping mouths and thoughtful expressions on their faces, then coming up with all sorts of implications for the split which would not only be very disruptive, but very expensive as well, and - for once - we would not be able to get the Scots to pay for them.
It was only a matter of 3 days ago when one of our ministers flatly said that if Scotland were to break away, then manned border-control posts would have to be set up, because only the E.U. is currently allowed to have unmanned ones, and Scotland will not automatically have E.U. status, but will have to wait a period of years before it qualifies for it. A vision began to flicker of red and white poles going up and down, holding up the traffic in the Lowlands, with Scots being asked for their 'papers' before being turned away by armed English officers.
Looking on the positive side, a Scottish break-away would have no real effect on the cultural life of us English - we would still be able to celebrate Burns Night and Hogmanay in the same way we celebrate St Patrick's Day by drinking Guinness and dressing in green. After all, thousands of us celebrate Diwali and Ede every year, despite our monarch being the Defender of the Christian Faith only.
It's a shame that Idi Amin is no longer with us. He may have been able to fulfil a life-long ambition by becoming the King of Scotland after all.
Never mind that we would lose all that revenue from oil, whisky, personal taxation and haggis, we would effectively lose control over our own nuclear defence force when they kick Trident and the submarines out of the Loch.
I'll tell you one thing that the 'Yes' campaign haven't thought of.
As soon as Scotland declares itself a separate state from the remaining Disunited Kingdom, we will be seeking advice on the best way of handling the loss of a large bit of strategic territory from the current world-expert in these matters - President Putin.