Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Confessions of a hypochondriac

I've learned a bit about the two types of bronchitis recently, having contracted - I think - the viral one which I mistook for a cold a couple of weeks ago. I am told it could last for up to a month, and - being viral - would not respond to any mis-prescribed anti-biotics that might be issued by a lazy doctor.

The other sort is actual lung damage, and lasts for three months (presumably the Winter ones) of the year - often caused by smoking or the breathing in of irritants such as harmful stone dust or chemicals.

It just so happens that this chesty cough arrived as I had - in between smoking - sanded down a particularly unusual and crystalline white stone, and after that I treated it with some hydrogen peroxide mixed with a very dry and dusty powder bleach which I tried very hard not to breathe in as I blended the two together.

Of course, I wore a dust-mask when I sanded down the stone, but - for want of a new one - I found a dirty, old, discarded one which had seen better days. Normally, I carefully wrap up these masks in plastic before I go home, because my workshop turns into a rat's playground at night. I know this because of the hundreds of footprints in the dust everywhere, but since I did not intend to use this mask again, I had left it unwrapped and was about to throw it away. My reasoning was that it was 'better than nothing'.

Being one of those people who wake up before dawn and realise that they may not be alive for more than a few days afterwards, it took a lot of self-conrol to arrive at the self-diagnosis of 'chronic' rather than 'acute' bronchitis. When you compare the names, there is not much to choose between either of them, but I have found out that it is better to be chronic rather than acute.

The symptoms of most fatal diseases - especially ones caught from rats - always seem to be described as 'flu-like' in the initial stages, so I was relieved that I only had a hacking cough rather than aching joints to go with it. At least I could rule out an early death through the ingestion of rat's piss - for the time being.

Many people go to doctors just to be reassured, but I don't go to them for the opposite reason.

Joke:

Woman goes to the doctor for a full examination, and after she has put all her clothes back on, the doctor gives his prognosis.

Doctor:  "You have acute angina."

Woman:  "Never mind about that, just tell me what's wrong with me."

26 comments:

  1. Groan. I am sure that joke will go down like a flying mallet with some of your readers.

    Vitamin C should cure the bronchitis.

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    1. It's almost as good as the doctor who tells the woman he has to weigh her tits. When she tells him to go ahead, he holds one in each hand, lifts them up and down and shouts, "WHOAY!"

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    2. I note bronchitis hasn't affected your sense of humour.

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    3. (That was my polite answer).

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  2. I take Bronchosan + Ivy Thyme Extract both by Vogel and follow up with 1 teaspoonful twice a day of a mix of 1 drop of thyme oil in half a cup of honey.

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    1. I meant to have said Manuka Honey

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    2. Manuka Honey? At £25 a jar? Have you more money than sense? I would rather die of bronchitis.

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    3. Here you go again. I was wondering how long it would take you to deflect any slight disagreement with the 'Irish Repartee' which you have mastered over the years.

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  3. Have you not seen a doctor at all?

    It might be a good idea, Tom, especially if you are a smoker. I don't mean to alarm you, but a bad case of bronchitis that finally meant my husband had no choice but to see a doctor led to the discovery that he had lung cancer.

    He has been extremely lucky. Most lung cancer is only discovered after it has spread and the outcome is usually not good. Although he lost his left lung, he is cancer free and healthy now (almost 3 years later). Bronchitis saved his life.

    Any smoker, in my opinion, ought to have a chest scan periodically to order to catch any problems early (if they are going to continue smoking). It might save their life!

    Sorry to introduce a scary, depressing topic, but I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what we did if it can be avoided! Take care of yourself, Tom. We would all miss your sense of humor if anything happened to you!!

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    1. I knew I shouldn't have posted this up. As I write, a friend of mine is in the process of dying through lung cancer, but it's always nice to have someone else's perspective, albeit it belated.

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    2. Again, I truly didn't mean to be offensive, or to frighten you. I probably shouldn't have said anything.....your decisions about your health are your own business, and I respect that. I was only trying to help.

      And I'm so sorry about your friend. :(



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  4. I prescribe 2 teaspoons of Walnut oil each morning; it won't cure your chest, but it helps the sale of Walnut oil.

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    1. I have opted for Toasted Sesame Oil, which has the added advantage of - probably - funding a few low-level terrorist activities as well as tasting very good indeed.

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  5. Flu like symptoms
    Yes you are right
    Usually a pre sign of some sort of sepsis
    The only way is down

    Hey ho

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  6. HA! Love the joke! Much needed today.
    Do take care of yourself, Tom.

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    1. Thanks for the first honest response so far.

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  7. Bugger it all!! To go down due to rat disease is no way to go. I don't like going to the doctors. Considering how much they supposedly know, they always seem to communicate very little. But maybe a visit wouldn't hurt? Hoping for the best for you!!

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    1. That's the whole point - I haven't been since I was 4, and that visit hurt a lot. I still have a big scar which I use to lie to my grandchildren with.

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  8. I have a feeling that you will just go to The Bell and have a pint and a fag !!!!!
    Maybe a trip to the doc's wouldn't hurt. Look after yourself Tom. XXXX

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  9. I actually got that joke Tom - I don't get all your jokes but I thought this one quite funny. Go to the doctors - that is an order.

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  10. As for you two and your advice, well, I cannot be polite about it right now despite your good intentions, so I am saying nothing.

    Oh, and by the way, I think I am getting better now, just as predicted.

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  11. Good to read that you are getting better. As to advices, though well meant: I always think one knows oneself when to see a doctor.

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