Sunday, 1 June 2014

Pineapple



I try not to waste anything in this house, so I don't know why we end up with a bin-liner full of rubbish every week.

I tried putting the hand-grenade on Gumtree the other day, but it lasted even less time than it took for them to remove it from eBay. I did search the 'restricted items' section, and it mentioned guns and ammunition, but nowhere did it ever mention bombs. I expect they thought that I would take that as a given.

I did begin to wonder what I would say in the Post Office when they asked me what was inside the package, though. The last time I posted something, I asked them why they needed to know, and they said it was for the sake of security in today's dangerous world.

Then I responded by asking what was stopping me from lying about what was in the package, and the young lady said that if my description of the contents didn't tally with an X-Ray that they might take of it, then they would take the parcel to a safe place and probably blow it up in a controlled explosion.

So for a few weeks now, I have been trying to think of how to describe the contents of this particular package without lying, and without being pinned to the floor by armed police and taken away to be interrogated for a few weeks under the Terrorism Act. 

It's a tricky one, you have to admit, but since I don't stand any chance of selling it under any category - including 'paperweight' as I tried last time - then it is a problem which I am unlikely to to be faced with in the near future.

This thing has taken on the status of the recently departed telescope now, and I am truly sick of looking at it, so I have relegated it to the upstairs and out of my sight - something I couldn't do with the scope.

I bought two 'perfectly ripe' avocados the other day and, having eaten one, was struck by how well the Mills Bomb would fit into its snug little vacancy - like two peas in a pod. Then I got fed up with looking at that, so took it out again.

Then it struck me as ridiculous too leave the remaining avocado in a paper tray on the table, so I took that out as well.

Then I stared at the black paper tray, and thought what a good robber's mask it would make, so made it.

The end result is something else I would not be allowed to enter a Post Office with either, so I will throw it out with all the rest of the rubbish this thursday.

Life is so complicated.


27 comments:

  1. I too have just bought 'two perfectly ripe avocados' (which weren't), but they came in a transparent plastic box; which is totally useless for making a robber's mask.

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    1. You could always paint someone else's face on it - like your neighbour's - before you commit the robbery.

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  2. Nice head of hair. Grow it long and you might be able to sell it.

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  3. How clever to find anything packaged in paper, albeit dyed. Wrapped in plastic or paper? Another purchasing decision.

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    1. Not that clever - it had a hard plastic lid on top, and the whole thing was doubly wrapped in plastic cling-film.

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  4. Just reading Tabloid news about the Kardashian wedding. They should have flown you in Tom to oversee the marble fiasco. http://pagesix.com/2014/05/29/golden-toilet-tower-headless-nude-statues-inside-kimyes-wedding/

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    1. Sounds like the absolute quintessence of aesthetic excellence. Just one little thing that doesn't quite add up - those black marble statues from Carrara - there is no black marble in Carrara.

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  5. How weird to see your face. Now I can see who I am always swearing at it doesn't seem quite the same. I actually truly feel bad.

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    1. Don't feel bad, otherwise you may make me laugh, and that wouldn't do.

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    2. No, I'm not feeling bad about it this morning.

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    3. Good. I don't want anyone to feel bad here.

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  6. Haha …. You look like The Lone Ranger ….. " Hi-Yo, Silver ! Away! " !!! XXXX

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    1. Now I am thinking of the Will I Am Tell overture. I was always an irritating kid.

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  7. A 'black-guard' did you mean to imply that or was it a freudian slip ?

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    1. Ah, yes - I had not thought of that root derivation, but now you point it out I am grateful for it.

      It won't stop me relieving you of your trousers on a windswept heath any time you are foolhardy enough to try and cross it, though.

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  8. Replies
    1. You should see the real one underneath.

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  9. Replies
    1. I am going to need a bit more input than that in order to rip the shit out of you, Susie.

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  10. It[s just not fair. Your bomb being all dressed up and nowhere to go.

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    1. I only have to get two more ingredients to get it to go wherever I like, but I am a responsible person - despite what eBay and Gumtree think of me.

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  11. What a productive day you've had - arts n' crafts n' all!

    But I am really intrigued by the sentence "… so I have relegated it to the upstairs …". What's upstairs? Is it the so called room of shame that some people have or do you have a treasure trove of really cool and intriguing objects laying around?

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    1. 'Upstairs' means just that - you have to go up some stairs to see the cool and intriguing objects laying around, including me after a certain time of night.

      Take a torch. Actually, take a body-guard.

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  12. Great post, and very funny comments! ( I can't compete so just have to praise you all)

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    1. Usually other people's comments are a lot funnier than the actual post here. It makes it all worth while.

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    2. You can say that again.

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