All's well that ends well (more Shakespeare) and I couldn't let you darlings go to bed tonight without letting you know I am safe and still - almost - in one piece.
I waited for my friend to leave his well-equipped metal workshop to take the dog for a walk, then I put it in a vice and exerted some mighty pressure on the stubborn thread, and it opened.
It is empty, but I only know that now. My stupid fucking camera has focussed on the car roof reflection rather than the fucking bomb, but you can see how empty it is.
So I took it into Waitrose tonight, and placed it on the scales when checking myself out on the self-service scanner. The alarm went off because they thought I was trying to steal a pound and a quarter of whatever, and a supervisor came over to check my bag.
"It's ok," I said, "It's a hand-grenade."
She just smiled and walked away, being too young to know that I was telling the horrifying truth.
When I was in my workshop looking for tools, I found this Arsenal dart. I have no idea how it got there.
I am sure that H.I is relieved { or, maybe she was totally unaware of GenadeGate } and Rachel will now love you forever. XXXX
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to sort out the truth from the bollocks in what you say, Jack@, and I have now given up.
DeleteIf I tell H.I. that I might not come home due to a WW2 accident at work, she just rolls her eyes as normal. ONE DAY!!!!!!!
What on earth are you talking about …… what I have said is very straight forward. The love of your life must be very happy that you haven't blown yourself up and Rachel will love you forever as you have an Arsenal dart in your workshop.
DeleteWhat's so difficult to understand about that ? XXXX
I do realise that it's all probably engineered for Rachel's benefit but, I didn't realise that my comment was so difficult to understand.
DeleteYou'll probably tell me to fuck off next but, I'm used to it !! XXXX
Oh, I see, and oh, not at all. It was the word 'GenadeGate' which made me give up. I think that even if your spell-checker didn't notice the missing r, it might still have picked up on it.
DeleteOh, sorry about that ….. slip of the finger.
DeleteHope that you now understand my comment and, we are all so happy that you are still in one piece. XXXX
One fun-sized piece.
DeleteOh well, I had just written your epitaph.
ReplyDeleteHere lies a curious man who loved stone OR
Here lies a stoner who loved curios.
My stoner days are now over, but the after-effects live on, curiously enough.
DeleteGranades in waitrose?
ReplyDeleteAsia would be more appropriate
I have walked through the Bath Waitrose with shotguns over my shoulder before now, and nobody has turned a hair. Maybe they were just scared.
DeleteDID YOU MEAN 'Asda?
DeleteSo many spelling mistakes it has taken me until now to work out what John is saying.
DeleteI fucking hate my ipad..... Automatic spell check.....
DeleteASDA ADSA ADSA.... THERE!
DeleteAnd when you do work it out, you wonder why he bothered.
DeleteActually, 'Asia' was quite appropriate.
DeleteCase of near enough
DeleteCase of Bollinger for me, please.
DeleteI'll get you one bottle for the wedding
Delete(Stephenson squeals in delight)
DeleteI thought John was having an anti-Asians day.
DeleteI am surprised you didn't get arrested in Waitrose. I'm glad Jacqueline understands about the Arsenal dart because I can't say I do.
ReplyDeleteI've just remembered where the dart came from. My erstwhile glamorous assistant is also football crazy, and also an Arsenal fan - for some reason.
DeleteI'm disappointed with this explanation.
DeleteSo am I. That's the trouble with telling the truth.
DeleteNext time lie then.
DeleteOk. I would lie for you.
DeleteWell, I am also glad you didn't blow something off your body.
ReplyDeleteAre you going to cast it?
Not until it is blown off my body.
DeleteI set myself up, didn't I?
DeleteI just love reading these comments, really I do.
ReplyDeleteSo do I, Sue. They're always so much better than the main text.
DeleteHello Tom:
ReplyDeleteThe relief! We shall sleep easy in our beds from now on.