Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 17 February 2014
I finally left with Orange Mobile (AKA 'EE') with a flourish this morning, and signed up to the incredibly cheap and easy 'GiffGaff', which piggy-backs off O2.
The hardest bit was getting the nice lady at Orange to hand over the PAC code. I hate these long goodbyes.
She asked me where our relationship had gone wrong over the last 18 years, so - she asked for it - I verbalised a great tirade of complaints, not least the one about how the replacement phone salesman had turned up on my doorstep with the new gadget, then asked me to hand my old and live one back before he gave me the other. The heartless bastard wanted me to hand over all the stored info on it as well, so - with a tear in my eye - I told him to go away and leave me with the old, dependable devil I know, if not love.
"Is there nothing I can do to keep you faithful to me?" she asked, and when I quoted 250 minutes, unlimited internet, calls to China and the USA for 3 pence per minute and unlimited texts for £12 per month, she sobbed, gave me the PAC code and hung up. She was a lousy shag anyway and I will not miss her.
I also bought a 500 GB (I only needed to store 45 GBs out of 360) external hard-drive on Sunday, because I have to have a heart-to-heart with the Mac shop about our child which refuses to go to bed before it has watched a DVD, and it refuses to play DVDs right now.
It's a little monster. It's a Cyclops with eyesight problems, and needs a new laser monocle. It has selective memories, and cannot handle anything over one layer thick.
I don't trust them, you see, so I have already cancelled all direct debits and it took less than an hour to back-up all that pornography I have spent years accumulating when I bought the iMac.
If you have my mobile number, you may not hear from me for some time, even though - within minutes - I had Google up and running on the little phone I had bought for a mere £50, as opposed to paying out all that maintenance money for a child which refused to behave itself.