Friday, 24 January 2014
The Archers
I'm going to tell you about a little game which was invented by me and one other, after sitting with someone who was looking through the T.V. listings for the evening, and could not find anything he was remotely interested in watching.
There is a warning attached to this post, and that is that if you are offended by the gratuitous use of the 'C' word, then go away now. The whole game (a very simple one) depends on it.
Still with me? Right. My weary friend read the titles of the forthcoming programs and films out loud, changing one word in their titles to express his disgust or disappointment in what was on offer. It went something like this:
8.30 - The Cunts Roadshow.
9.00 - The Cunts of Navarrone.
9.30 - I'm a Cunt, get me out of here.
10.00 - Cunts at Ten.
etc. etc.
Pretty soon, we were rolling around, helpless with laughter as we thought of program titles which were not actually listed that night. My personal favourite was, 'One Man and his Cunt'.
I explained the basic principle of this game to a theatre director friend of mine, and he introduced it to some of the more broad-minded of his colleagues and associates in a way that it could be played by the cognoscenti at important dinner parties without fear of upsetting anyone who was not in on the secret.
To do this, you simply say the title as it really is, then let those who are in on the joke mentally put the word 'cunt' in whatever place they think it most appropriate. This adds even more hilarity to the game, because about half of the guests do not understand why the mere mention of 'One Man and his Dog' causes such fits of laughter.
Being a creative and talented sort of bloke, the theatre director quickly realised that the game could be used with all sorts of other things than just film and T.V. so after a few glasses of wine, he would instigate it with just one word, denoting the category, thus:
"Books".
There would then follow about an hour or two of sporadic laughter as someone thought of a title, sometimes interrupting the ordinary conversation between innocents by saying something like, 'My Struggle', or 'Far From the Madding Crowd'. It is - I am told - a great way to spice up a boring dinner party.
I was listening to The Archers last night (as we always do) and once again, H.I. and me were struck by the appalling behaviour of just about every character in Ambridge, wondering who wrote the script and wondering why everyone has to behave so badly toward each other.
You may not follow The Archers - I often wonder why I do - but right now, the ghastly old woman Peggy has brought her entire family together to tell them she is leaving the lot in her will to the equally ghastly Tom, her grandson, and cutting out Tom's father - who desperately needs the money - altogether, in his favour.
The Grundy brothers (above) are at each other's throats as usual, and one of them has shot the other's dog, so the other is deliberately upsetting his young blood son who is living with his brother and his equally ghastly wife, by suggesting the replacement puppy is about to be poisoned by his step-father.
Helen is knocking-off a deeply unpleasant farm manager who was just horrid to his wife in order to get her out of the picture. I need not even mention Matt and Lydia, Linda Snell or any of the other sociopathic characters who spend their entire time trying to outwit, insult or exploit each other during their waking hours in that part of Borsetshire.
Every evening at 7.15 when 'Barwick Green' plays a second time, H.I. and me look at each other in mild disbelief and say, "They're all a bunch of cunts!"
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A bunch of cunts indeed. My mum actually stopped listening some years ago as she was so appalled by Shula's behaviour when she was knocking off
ReplyDeleteUsha's doctor boyfriend whilst with Alistair.
Our Mutual Friend springs to mind.
Eastenders?
DeleteCunt of the Day BBC 1 10.30pm Saturdays
ReplyDeleteNice one.
DeleteI love the sound of this game! The possibilities are so endless...
ReplyDeleteI've never listened to The Archers, but appreciate that now I could listen and you would have caught me up.
You can ignore it for 5 years, and still know what's going on after one episode.
DeleteThis game is BRILLIANT ……
ReplyDeleteDouble your Cunt { with Hughie Green }
A Cunt for All Seasons { or … A Man For All Cunts }
Bargain Cunt
Escape To The Cuntry
My Big Fat Gypsy Cunt
…… oh God ….. I could play this all day !!!! XXXX
The last gypsy one is a cracker!
DeleteRick Stein's A Taste of the ……. sorry ….. I'm overstepping the mark now !! XXXX
DeleteI am now really laughing out loud - again.
DeleteBanana cunts?
ReplyDeleteThe walking cunts?
......
As for The Archers...I kinda like linda snell..... Though I would not cross the road to save helen Archer from the combine harvester
Cunts on Sunday. (audio)
DeleteWell that's certainly spiced up listening to A Book at Bedtime...
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing!!!
DeleteCuntwatch, live from different locations around the British Isles broadcast at 7.00pm and again at 9.00pm
ReplyDelete...using infra-red cameras...
DeleteA question of cunt.
ReplyDeleteBig Cunt (reality T.V.)
ReplyDeleteIn High Definition
DeleteCuntwatch with Kirsty young
ReplyDeleteCunt Street.
DeleteWho Wants To Be A Cunt
ReplyDeleteYour Cunts In Their Hands
The Old Grey Whistle Cunt
Never Mind The Quality Feel The Cunt
Two Fat Cunts
Monty Pythons Flying Cunts
Through The Cunthole
You have excelled yourself, and now my admiration for you knows no bounds.
DeleteLololololol
ReplyDeleteI win u win
U dirty bitch
Two Fat Cunts!!!!! I can hardly breathe for laughing. This post has inspired my most favourite comments ever. I cunt wait to hear from Molly.
ReplyDeleteChristmas Day, 3.00 pm, all channels: The Queen's... Speech.
ReplyDeleteA cunt too much thomas
DeleteCunts behaving badly
ReplyDeleteHow Clean Is Your Cunt
The Black And White Cunt Show
All Cunts Great And Small
You now need to be slapped jac
DeleteI know John ……. I think that I might have blotted my copybook this time ….. hang on a minute :
DeleteOne Man And His Cunt
One Foot In The Cunt
Rentacunt
You have embraced my little game so well, Jack@, that I believe you will become a grand master as soon as it goes viral. One foot!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSorry, as a foreigner I cun't help it: sometimes a misspelling is so gross that I have to delete the whole comment.
ReplyDeleteWhat was that comment? I'm sure we will all make allowances for your spelling. Have another go - you cunt go wrong.
DeleteThis is the most fun I have ever had on blogger.
ReplyDeleteThe Cunt Show, Matt Baker and Alex Jones present live coverage everyday at 7.00pm
Me too. I have never laughed so much at the computer.
DeleteThe Antique Cunt Show.
I think that all of us Brits are probably old enough to remember the 'Double Your Cunt' show with Hughie Green as mentioned by Jack@. Didn't the audience shout out 'Open the box!' all the time?
ReplyDeleteJack@ is right - it was Michael Miles and it ran concurrently with Hughie Greens awful show.
DeleteI've put a spare apostrophe in a comment on the next post, to make up for the missing one above. Move it yourself, you cunts. X
Delete