Friday, 24 January 2014

The Archers


I'm going to tell you about a little game which was invented by me and one other, after sitting with someone who was looking through the T.V. listings for the evening, and could not find anything he was remotely interested in watching.

There is a warning attached to this post, and that is that if you are offended by the gratuitous use of the 'C' word, then go away now. The whole game (a very simple one) depends on it.

Still with me? Right. My weary friend read the titles of the forthcoming programs and films out loud, changing one word in their titles to express his disgust or disappointment in what was on offer. It went something like this:

8.30 - The Cunts Roadshow.
9.00 - The Cunts of Navarrone.
9.30 - I'm a Cunt, get me out of here.
10.00 - Cunts at Ten.
etc. etc.

Pretty soon, we were rolling around, helpless with laughter as we thought of program titles which were not actually listed that night. My personal favourite was, 'One Man and his Cunt'.

I explained the basic principle of this game to a theatre director friend of mine, and he introduced it to some of the more broad-minded of his colleagues and associates in a way that it could be played by the cognoscenti at important dinner parties without fear of upsetting anyone who was not in on the secret.

To do this, you simply say the title as it really is, then let those who are in on the joke mentally put the word 'cunt' in whatever place they think it most appropriate. This adds even more hilarity to the game, because about half of the guests do not understand why the mere mention of 'One Man and his Dog' causes such fits of laughter.

Being a creative and talented sort of bloke, the theatre director quickly realised that the game could be used with all sorts of other things than just film and T.V. so after a few glasses of wine, he would instigate it with just one word, denoting the category, thus:

"Books".

There would then follow about an hour or two of sporadic laughter as someone thought of a title, sometimes interrupting the ordinary conversation between innocents by saying something like, 'My Struggle', or 'Far From the Madding Crowd'. It is - I am told - a great way to spice up a boring dinner party.

I was listening to The Archers last night (as we always do) and once again, H.I. and me were struck by the appalling behaviour of just about every character in Ambridge, wondering who wrote the script and wondering why everyone has to behave so badly toward each other.

You may not follow The Archers - I often wonder why I do - but right now, the ghastly old woman Peggy has brought her entire family together to tell them she is leaving the lot in her will to the equally ghastly Tom, her grandson, and cutting out Tom's father  - who desperately needs the money - altogether, in his favour.

The Grundy brothers (above) are at each other's throats as usual, and one of them has shot the other's dog, so the other is deliberately upsetting his young blood son who is living with his brother and his equally ghastly wife, by suggesting the replacement puppy is about to be poisoned by his step-father.

Helen is knocking-off a deeply unpleasant farm manager who was just horrid to his wife in order to get her out of the picture. I need not even mention Matt and Lydia, Linda Snell or any of the other sociopathic characters who spend their entire time trying to outwit, insult or exploit each other during their waking hours in that part of Borsetshire.

Every evening at 7.15 when 'Barwick Green' plays a second time, H.I. and me look at each other in mild disbelief and say, "They're all a bunch of cunts!"

39 comments:

  1. A bunch of cunts indeed. My mum actually stopped listening some years ago as she was so appalled by Shula's behaviour when she was knocking off
    Usha's doctor boyfriend whilst with Alistair.

    Our Mutual Friend springs to mind.

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  2. Cunt of the Day BBC 1 10.30pm Saturdays

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  3. I love the sound of this game! The possibilities are so endless...

    I've never listened to The Archers, but appreciate that now I could listen and you would have caught me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can ignore it for 5 years, and still know what's going on after one episode.

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  4. This game is BRILLIANT ……
    Double your Cunt { with Hughie Green }
    A Cunt for All Seasons { or … A Man For All Cunts }
    Bargain Cunt
    Escape To The Cuntry
    My Big Fat Gypsy Cunt
    …… oh God ….. I could play this all day !!!! XXXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The last gypsy one is a cracker!

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    2. Rick Stein's A Taste of the ……. sorry ….. I'm overstepping the mark now !! XXXX

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    3. I am now really laughing out loud - again.

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  5. Banana cunts?
    The walking cunts?
    ......
    As for The Archers...I kinda like linda snell..... Though I would not cross the road to save helen Archer from the combine harvester

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  6. Well that's certainly spiced up listening to A Book at Bedtime...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Cuntwatch, live from different locations around the British Isles broadcast at 7.00pm and again at 9.00pm

    ReplyDelete
  8. Who Wants To Be A Cunt
    Your Cunts In Their Hands
    The Old Grey Whistle Cunt
    Never Mind The Quality Feel The Cunt
    Two Fat Cunts
    Monty Pythons Flying Cunts
    Through The Cunthole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have excelled yourself, and now my admiration for you knows no bounds.

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  9. Lololololol
    I win u win
    U dirty bitch

    ReplyDelete
  10. Two Fat Cunts!!!!! I can hardly breathe for laughing. This post has inspired my most favourite comments ever. I cunt wait to hear from Molly.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Christmas Day, 3.00 pm, all channels: The Queen's... Speech.

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  12. Cunts behaving badly
    How Clean Is Your Cunt
    The Black And White Cunt Show
    All Cunts Great And Small

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    Replies
    1. You now need to be slapped jac

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    2. I know John ……. I think that I might have blotted my copybook this time ….. hang on a minute :
      One Man And His Cunt
      One Foot In The Cunt
      Rentacunt

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    3. You have embraced my little game so well, Jack@, that I believe you will become a grand master as soon as it goes viral. One foot!

      Delete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. Sorry, as a foreigner I cun't help it: sometimes a misspelling is so gross that I have to delete the whole comment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What was that comment? I'm sure we will all make allowances for your spelling. Have another go - you cunt go wrong.

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  15. This is the most fun I have ever had on blogger.

    The Cunt Show, Matt Baker and Alex Jones present live coverage everyday at 7.00pm

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    Replies
    1. Me too. I have never laughed so much at the computer.

      The Antique Cunt Show.

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  16. I think that all of us Brits are probably old enough to remember the 'Double Your Cunt' show with Hughie Green as mentioned by Jack@. Didn't the audience shout out 'Open the box!' all the time?

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    Replies
    1. Jack@ is right - it was Michael Miles and it ran concurrently with Hughie Greens awful show.

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    2. I've put a spare apostrophe in a comment on the next post, to make up for the missing one above. Move it yourself, you cunts. X

      Delete