Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Friday, 20 December 2013
We are having very strange weather at the moment, and it seems to be set like this until the end of the month.
The day begins crisply with an East wind and brilliant sunshine, then gradually the cockerel swings through 180 degrees, the sky goes dark before sundown and the wind increases in speed by about 30 miles per hour, throwing the rain horizontally at the Christmas street decorations. It has been like that for three nights now.
I cannot help thinking that this has something - if not everything - to do with the ceiling of the Apollo Theatre coming down on the packed house last night. Now they may never know how it finishes.
On the same principle as the butterfly causing a hurricane but wafting its wings in a Brazilian jungle, or the superstitious one of always taking an umbrella out with you when you leave the house, it may be something to do with the fact that - on a whim - I gave my hat away to a pretty girl the other night, just before this weather pattern set in.
All she did was pick it up and put it on her head, but when I saw how much better it looked on her than it did on me, I insisted she take it, and I have been arriving home with a wet head ever since.
This is the hat which was made in Ireland, sent to Chicago, bought by me and flown to England - at far greater expense than it would have been to get one direct from the maker.
Every time I looked in the mirror when wearing it, I just reminded myself of one of the more disturbing Hitchcock characters, but when she put it on, the effect was instantaneously Audrey Hepburn.
This isn't the first time this year that I have altered whole weather patterns by giving a hat away. We were having a very mediocre Summer up until the point that I gave my cherished Panama to my cherished German mate, and watched him drive off home in it and his open-topped M.G. two-seater.
When I put it on, I looked like... well, you can make your own mind up about that, but when he put it on, he looked like an amiable, German archeologist from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
So I spent the whole Summer with the sun beating down on my mercifully hairy head, and I am set to spend the rest of the winter with the rain and snow doing the same thing.
I still have not given up on finding the Rathebone ideal above though, but I know of a website forum of around 50 American people who are all searching for the same hat. That forum was last contributed to around 8 years ago.