Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 17 November 2013
Yesterday's announcement by the Governor of the Bank of England that he now views the British economy in terms of 'a glass half full' corresponds nicely with my recent up-turn in self-esteem (not that it was ever that low) which allows me to see myself as less of a dilettante and more of a good all-rounder.
This may have come a bit late in my life, but it had to. You cannot gain a lot of experience without getting a bit older in the process. I used to be a jack-of-all-trades, but now I have promoted myself to a level from which I can look down on others. I had to. You cannot oversee a delegated job without taking the high ground.
Live on BBC radio early this morning, a presenter was in a Cambridge university laboratory with one of the professors, about to test one of only two water-powered computers in the world which still work.
This huge gadget comprises - apparently - of a lot of transparent tubes, cisterns, valves and conduits into which water is introduced. It was made specifically to test models of financial policy before they were put into practice, but other than that, I have no idea how it works.
The professor stood ready by the on-tap as the anchor-man (appropriate) had Britain's leading popular financial expert - Robert Peston - on standby at the other end of a bad mobile phone line, ready to give expert advice as to how to tweak the economy and thereby save the world.
Robert Peston has made a lot of money out of this financial crash, simply by explaining how it happened to us, and this may have been the only time he has had the opportunity to tell us how to get out of it, rather than how we got into it in the first place. Mr Peston has an extremely irritating mode of delivery, despite - or maybe because of - the fact that his mother is a speech-therapist.
They turned the contraption on, and the sound of gushing water could be heard filling the network of pipes and buckets. The presenter asked what part the nearby vacuum cleaner played in the proceedings, and the professor said that they used it to clean the laboratory.
Once filled and active, they asked Robert Peston for the most effective course of action needed to boost the economy, and he said that this was undoubtedly to get the banks to loan more money to small businesses.
The professor opened the appropriate valve, and water could be heard coursing through different channels as it filled up a series of meters and indicators. The presenter asked him what had just happened.
"The economy has just crashed."
Before hanging up, Robert Peston excused himself by saying that the computer was made in the days when credit was widely available from banks, so could not have been expected to make allowances for modern day conditions. Goodbye.