Sunday, 27 October 2013

Your end is nigh

A man - who happens to be called Noah - awakes one night to hear a disembodied voice calling his name:

"Noah!  Noah!  Wake up, for I have tidings of disaster to bring you!"

"Is that you, God?"

"Yes, it is I - or should I say 'Me'? Anyway, a great storm approaches, the like of which has not been seen since Biblical times.  Fear not though, for I will save you. Make no preparations!".

So Noah goes back to sleep again, and when he gets up in the morning, he looks out of the window to see torrential rain and wind, with the streets awash with the rain that they cannot cope with. He goes back to bed, in the understanding that he is to be saved, and need build no boat or whatever.

He is awoken an hour later by the sound of someone shouting to him from the street below, and goes to the window to look down.  There is a small dingy, with three bedraggled looking people, a rower and a cat inside.

The Captain shouts up, "The water's rising! Come down and get in!"

Noah shouts back, "It's ok thanks, I have an arrangement with God". The boat leaves.

An hour later, the water-level is up to the front door, so Noah puts on his clothes and begins wading around the street, up to his waist.

Soon, a helicopter appears, and a voice from a loud-hailer says, "WE WILL THROW YOU DOWN A LINE. PUT IT AROUND YOU WAIST AND WE WILL WINCH YOU UP. SOON THE WATER WILL BE 10 FEET DEEP!"

Noah responds by shouting, "It's ok - you can leave me. I have an arrangement with God to be saved". They leave.

An hour after that, the water rises over his head and he is drowned.

Furious, he arrives at St Peter's waiting room, and demands to see God. A couple of hours later, he is shown into God's office.

"What happened?!" Noah shouts at God, "I thought we had an arrangement?!"

"I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?!"

(P.S. - I've just heard that Lou Reed has died.  Shame - end of an infamous era.)


  1. Love it! I know Jesus loves you - not sure about the last bit. Knowing what I know about you, I think I probably do as well

    1. I love the idea of bad manners and prejudice carrying on right up to the top - the very top.

  2. my cup at work says

    god loves you, but I'm his favourite

    Ive been told twice that it is offensive.

  3. My old mate Jock was sent a birthday card with the same sentiment. He kept it for years, pinned above his fireplace "just to shock the sensitive" he claimed.

  4. Have you ever seen/heard Bill Cosby on Noah?

  5. How you going there Tom and Co?
    I'm hearing the news, it sounds nasty.

    1. Not as nasty as that fire - it was hyped up a bit, mainly because they could predict it miles in advance. A few trees on a few lines - my rail journey to London delayed ever so slightly. That's it - it's blown over now.

  6. Hope you didn't need either a boat or a helicopter.

  7. Brilliant. Not the death of Lou Reed obviously.

  8. I love that! Haha.

    I own a little Christmas ornament that has a mean looking baby with a crooked halo on it, and it says "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, please don't send us to hell" printed on the bottom. Makes me smile every year.

  9. Love the pic, I'd love to send it to someone I work with, it's so appropriate