Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Sherlock Holmes and the Strange Case of the Haunted Vagina
Holmes barely touched the breakfast that Mrs Hudson had set out for the two bachelors, but instead puffed clouds of tobacco smoke from beneath that day's copy of The Times in the direction of Dr Watson, who was seated opposite him at the small table in the Baker Street apartment.
"I say, Holmes, must you smoke that filthy stuff at this hour of the morning?' Watson made a show of fanning away the ribbons of blue vapour which drifted through the sunlight over his head, and continued eating. Holmes appeared deaf to his protest.
"Have you seen this, Watson?" Holmes threw the paper down in front of Watson's plate, upsetting the cutlery with an irritating jingling sound. Exasperated, Watson briefly glanced at the article and returned to his kedgeree.
"How could I have? You have been hogging that paper ever since it hit the doormat, and even so, what of it? A 'haunted vagina'. Hardly newsworthy, even for this time of the season, and I suppose you have noticed that the incident appears to have occurred in China?"
"Doesn't anything strike you as unusual about this case, Watson?"
"Not for that particular continent - no, as it happens. Voices coming from the nether regions; strange bumps in the night; hysterical sensations from an over-sensitve female - all too common in that part of the world I would have thought".
"A haunted vagina. Have you noticed the course of exorcism employed by her physician?"
"I have been far too busy trying to finish my breakfast to read any further than the first paragraph, and the account relayed thus far has not held my attention any longer so as to delay it further".
"Well, my dear friend, it seems that the spirit was 'exorcised' by being extracted with the intrusive use of the physician's own penis. Now are you interested?"
"Can't say I see anything unusual about that. Done it myself on a couple of occasions. Works wonders!"
Watson allowed himself a wry smile before spooning in another mouthful of kipper and rice.