Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
I'm on the train
I have just read one of those scare stories that AOL news loves to frighten people into reading with, and this one involves the results of a 'survey' into medical problems caused by the over-use of mobile phones.
9 out of 10 under-graduates questioned (I don't know how many were questioned - it could have been 10, and 10 pissed ones at that) said they have experienced all of the listed symptoms, including 'phantom vibrations'.
I always keep my phone in the left-hand trouser pocket, up against my leg with the vibrator switched on (steady, John) so I am alerted to incoming calls even in noisy places. For the last couple of years, I have experienced a vibrating sensation in the thigh-muscle of my left leg which has caused me to rummage for the phone, only to find that there is no call to answer.
I began to think that the microwaves of the phone were affecting this muscle - possibly detrimentally - because sometimes the trembling (at the same frequency as the phone vibrator) happened even when I was in bed without trousers (I said steady, John). I was convinced that this phenomena was a real sensation, caused by a tremor in the muscle, but could not work out if the fact that it was right next to where I keep the phone was coincidence or not.
Well, thanks to a group of piss-poor scientists with a lot of time on their hands and not much funding, I can now relax in the knowledge that it is all in my head, as are many of the other symptoms associated with the over-use of a mobile phone, which include things like 'addiction' and sleep deprivation.
I think I am more addicted to blogging and eBay than I am to phones, but I do have a recurring dream which indicates that I rely too much on my non-smart one.
In my dream, I am in a strange country or area and parted from H.I., who - in real life - almost always refuses to even switch on the phone I bought for her, let alone use it. I try to contact her using my phone, and there is always something wrong with my handset.
Either I have picked up someone else's phone by accident, or it goes into some weird video which I cannot get out of, or it simply falls apart in my hands. The result is the closest thing to a nightmare that I ever have these days, and I wake up to console myself that it was all a dream.
In the same way that we are all losing the ability to remember names, numbers and addresses because these are always available at the touch of a button (until things go wrong), I believe that we are all losing some ancient and innate sense of telepathy which we unconsciously used before the digital age, when we were forced to meet each other at some pre-arranged time and place - like under the clock-tower, for a common instance.
Trying to make arrangements with teenagers is next to impossible these days, unless you go online and pretend to be a teenager yourself, which is now frowned upon by the authorities, so inadvisable.
About 30 years ago, H.I. and her former husband were walking through town to get to their car - an old and dishevelled Vauxhall, parked up on the main shopping street. They had only had this car for about a year, and had only passed their driving test a few months before that.
When they got to it, they found a hand-written note under one of the wipers, which read, "Hello you two. This looks like your car. I am in Bath for the day and trying to find you. Shall we meet up at ****'s at about 4.00?"
The note was from an old London friend who they had not seen for years, and the car - without any distinguishing features to identify it - was parked in amongst dozens of other ones.
All he knew was that H.I. and hubby had moved to Bath (population: around 75,000 at the time) from London, about 10 years previously.
I wonder if he - as a result of mobile phones - has lost his near-psychic abilities?