Friday 18 October 2013

Farrow and Ball's


In my current capacity as spiritual advisor to the restoration project of a well-known and well-loved Bath pub (more on that after the unveiling), I've been reminded - again - about the poetic licence given to paint manufacturers, or at least the sales teams of the companies.

The hue I have chosen for the woodwork to the windows (to replace a sickly, slightly metallic, dark green) is entitled, 'Eating Room', from the Farrow and Ball collection.

The tint they call 'Purbeck Stone' is a warm grey (or 'gray' as they would spell it) and is right next to a colour called 'Light Gray', which is the exact true colour of Purbeck stone and not grey at all, just to see if we are paying attention.

Beneath 'Purbeck Stone' is 'Mole's Breath'. I sort of understand the logic behind this name, but only if I put myself in a spiritual mind-set. Since - as I already said - I am the spiritual advisor, this is easy for me.

There is a pink colour called, 'Nancy's Blushes', which I would have called, 'Slapped Arse', but that is probably another reason why I don't work for Farrow and Ball.

Another hue is called 'Elephant's Breath', which is very similar to 'Mole's Breath', but bigger. There isn't a 'Dog's Breath'.

'Dead Salmon' is another good one, and is probably a pun for all interior decorators, who love using the term 'dead' for all sorts of meanings.

This catalogue is right up-to-date, down with the rich-kids and riding the zeitgeist too - there is a colour called 'Middleton Pink'.

'Yellowcake'- there's an edgy reference to put before all those wind-farmers who pay twice as much for Georgian finishes. It is a citron-yellow, but it is right above a dirty cream colour that they call 'Citron'. I am surprised they didn't call it 'Citroen'.

They have an off-white called 'Blackened'. Ha ha.

'Charlotte's Locks' - Charlotte must be a ginger (pronounced  ging-err) who works in the office. They could have caused all sorts of speculation about last year's Christmas party if they had called it, 'Charlotte's Pubes'.

'Ball Green' is another good one, and could have been Charlotte's revenge for the Christmas party reference. Oh, hang on, my imagination is running away with me, just like they intended.

There is one - and one only - traditional hue which takes it's name from the very pigment, and that is 'Arsenic'. I believe that arsenic is an element, but that hasn't stopped Farrow and Ball from registering the word as the exclusive property of their company when used as the name of a tint.

Oxide of arsenic is, indeed, a wonderful green but as we all know, it tends to kill the people who paint their walls with it. It takes a while, but it does the job eventually. This is how Napoleon was supposed to have met his end.

I used to have a stock of ancient pigments in glass bottles without labels. One of them was an arsenic green, and I never opened it's lid more than once, let alone used it.

Stick to the earth colours when in doubt. They are not only lime-fast, but also non-toxic, like modern 'Flake (lead) White'.

I've just realised that this has turned into a true Lifestyle post.

28 comments:

  1. My kitchen is Prairie Grass. I like to call it Klonopin Green . . . very calming.

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  2. Aaah, those magic words. Farrow and Ball. I knew you'd succumb eventually, as you live in Bath.
    I have the matchpot for Arsenic. I was going to use it on one wall of Other Half's study.

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    1. I am going to try to get a deal from them, but don't mention it for the time being...

      There are quicker poisons.

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  3. I am afraid that I am a Farrow and Ball fan and am probably being taken for a ride by their prices and could use some of the historical colours from other, somewhat cheaper companies ..... I still think that F&B paints achieve the best chalky finish and have the better colours though. I was given the trade paint chart thingy from Dulux which must have had a sample of every colour they have ever made and some of the names are hilarious but, my favourites, which were obviously named after a long, liquid lunch were ' This One ' & ' That One " !! A great deal of imagination went into those two hues !! XXXX

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  4. I have friends who use Farrow and Ball but it's too expensive for us I'm afraid. I've just been to have a look and, whilst they seem to be trying to avoid the pretentious shit that Dulux deal in, I find their names just as irritating. Savage Ground my arse.

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  5. We have 'Penelope's withers' on the Tack Room walls, and 'Barbour breath' in the Boot Room. I was hoping to use their frightfully nice 'Lady Cynthia's Cleavage' for the downstairs thunderbox, but they'd run ite.

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    1. You need 'Slapped Arse' for the thunderbox, I think.

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  6. I remember and Tom you do too when pub interiors and matching curtains were all nicotine yellow. Sometimes relieved by a wooden push bell which you pressed for service behind you on the wall and a man came running like a butler to take your order. Service! what's that people now say?

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    1. There is an old pub here which has had to paint the walls in a fake nicotine since the smoking ban. I would call that colour, 'Creme Brulee'.

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  7. You should ask to be promoted to spiritual consultant straight away. Spiritual advisor is just a bit too junior for a man of your professional stature.

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    1. I think 'god' (with a lower case g) would be more appropriate.

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  8. My dining room was painted in Mouse's Back for a long time. Blackened was so named because of the blackening to white paint caused by coal fireplaces. Middleton Pink was on their chart years before Kate arrived on the scene. As a decorator, I have a bit of a neurosis...I cannot spec a paint if I hate the name of it. I will look for the same color in a different brand if I have to. Which is why I use Farrow and Ball if the clients will spend the $ on it.

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    1. Middleton Pink before the Middletons? So they really are in tune with the zeitgeist.

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  9. Several months ago my farmer hubbie and I discovered the show "Grand Design" on You Tube which we watch all the way over here in the US. Just last night they were talking about "Elephants Breath" paint color and now you are! It's like,... I don't know...fate or something. Now excuse me, I have a Midwest barn to paint in "Slapped Arse". The neighbors will be so pleased.

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    1. I think you should paint the words 'slapped arse' on the side of the barn, so there's no misunderstanding.

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  10. Does 'spiritual advisor' translate into 'the one with good taste'? I have trust in you in that capacity.

    We kept it very simple with the colors in our house. A large part of the interior is painted in 'White on White'. There you have it. Very simple. They have just build a new house down the street and painted it in a color that surely must be called 'Liverwurscht'. Not the best of choices.

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    1. 'Guru' or 'god' would be less appropriate than 'gopher', I think.

      Oxblood is a good old-fashioned colour.

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  11. Believe me, if you got down wind of Tess's breath (she is addicted to eating rabbit poo amongst other unmentionable things) you would find it hard to imagine what colour could possibly represent Dog's Breath.

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  12. Ha, I liked this post! (Just came back from Hamburg, and saw all shades and tints and hues of blue in the dawn sky rushing along my train window). I once bought cinnabar (or do you call it red mercuric sulfide? that bright orange) and our apothecary was very distrusting and asked me why and I lied to him - couldn't tell him that I needed it for a little Chinese magic ban - so he sold it to me - unbelieving - for a painting).

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    1. There are slower ways of killing your husband, I expect.

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  13. Sorry All, but the wet and windy weather means that it is taking me 2 minutes each to replay to your comments, so I am going to do it tomorrow instead.

    Digital age my arse, and bollocks to optic fibre.

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  14. The previous owners to this house had a thing for green. I don't know what the proper colour names are as they didn't leave the card samples, but i'm going with sage green, olive green, and not quite but almost mint green.

    The blue bedroom is what i'd call a darker sky blue.

    I admit, if i don't like the name of the colour, i'll pick another or look at a competitor's paint swatches and see if i find their names less silly.

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    1. I refuse to drink real ales with silly names as well.

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