Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 5 September 2013
The Future's Bright - a rant
I woke up with an unusual amount of energy this sunny morning after the best night's sleep I have had in ages, but there's always some bastard who tries to spoil your day before it has even properly begun.
Yesterday, noticing that my Nokia phone had developed a very slight but irritating fault (keypad tones were silent) I decided that - for the first time since I had taken out a contract with Orange (now called EE - EEK! - but now called something else since the last 3 weeks) - I would take advantage of their offer to replace my handset after 18 months of a 3 year contract had expired, especially since my contract expires in February of next year.
So I dialled the appropriate number, and spent the customary 5 minutes jumping through hoops held up by a robotic voice before speaking to a real person, somewhere in India.
I then jumped through all the hoops that she held up for me, often asking her to repeat the instructions, as her accent was quite strong and the line was quite bad.
Had I tried turning the phone on and off? Yes. Had I... YES.
After another ten minutes on hold while she consulted her records, she was able to say that I was entitled to a replacement handset, and would be charged £25 as the insurance excess. I told her that this was not what I had signed up for, and would not be paying anything, so she put me on hold again to consult her records and speak to a supervisor.
4 more minutes of some pop song which was old enough not to have incurred any performing rights fees to Orange, and she was back with the great news that - since I had been such a loyal customer to Orange (about 18 or more years) - I would not be charged the £25, and a new handset - with new SIM card and charger - would arrive anytime between 9.00 am and 1.00 pm. Was there anything else she could help me with, and - if not - I should have a wonderful day.
Two minutes later, a message came through from Orange/EE/Tmobile/etc.etc. asking me if I was satisfied with the service I had received from Orange, and would I mind completing a short survey via text message, all of the texts being COMPLETELY FREE!
I thought that I would, since the woman in India was very polite and helpful, so I answered the next text, 'How satisfied was I with the service I received during my enquiry?', 10/10.
As soon as I sent this, along came another question along the lines of 'How good was the operative's communication skills?' I felt generous, and gave her a 9.
There were about three others immediately afterwards, and I felt that I could only give a 5 for 'How likely would I be to recommend Orange to someone else?' I wish I had given it 0.
At 9.02 this morning, there was a ring on the bell, and my new phone was downstairs waiting for me. Great.
The delivery man said that all he needed was my old phone, then he would hand over the new one.
How - I asked - was I supposed to transfer all the personal information, numbers and photos from the old phone without having the new one by it's side?
He thought for a moment and suggested that I could transfer it all onto a computer.
I wondered if he had a spare hour or three to wait whilst I learned how to do this before wiping the old phone clean and handing it over to him, having only had about 2 seconds warning that I had to give it up without being sure that I had not lost all the information in the process.
He went away with the new phone and I am left with the old one. At least I didn't have to wait in until 1.00 pm.