Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Saturday, 24 August 2013
Call me an old pervert
I was searching for an image of a highly decorated, antique, Venetian, female urinal bottle of the sort used at masked balls there in the 18th century (don't ask why) when I found this instead (I mean don't ask why I was searching for that - why it was used is patently obvious, like the obvious patent on Mr Turlington's bottles).
I have a good photo of one of these bottles (the she-wee, not the above) in one of my glass books, but I cannot be bothered to find it and scan it, so this image will have to do.
Oh all right then - since you have asked contrary to my request, I will tell you. That Chinese wine-warmer from the previous post has been compared in shape to the neck of a 'she-wee', and they just happened to touch upon 'she-wees' in a radio program this morning. I thought I would build an entire post around that one image which would include a great deal of titillation, suggestion and lewdity, but now I am going to have to start all over again with a fresh concept. (Is this post as difficult to keep track of as I am finding, even when writing it?)
My laziness in finding and reproducing the picture of the urine bottle has lead to me creating even more work for myself by describing the shape of it verbally, thus: For a bottle designed to piss into, it is extremely good-looking and is shot through with the coloured threads typical of Venetian glass to this very day. The lower part is a simple bottle-shape, and the neck bends slightly, ending in an almost floral, vulva-shaped series of elongated folds which soften the glass against the skin of the user - quite important if you are using it blindly in a candle-lit ballroom whilst shoving it up a voluminous series of petticoats and heavy brocade.
For some reason (don't ask why) I have always wanted one of these antique bottles, and I still believe that they are out there - unidentified by the sellers and possibly sold under the false description of 'flower-vase' or 'bud-vase', thereby standing a good chance of being purchased for next to nothing.
Oh all right then - since you have asked contrary to my request, I will tell you. I have already admitted to being somewhat mentally imbalanced in my obsession with antique glass, but you have no idea how - as I sit, late at night with a 1740 glassful of wine pressed to my lips - I fantasise about the previous owners, and how they have done just the same but almost 300 years ago. I expect you are beginning to form a pretty accurate idea about my fantasies with regard to collectable - and usable - glass now, making further explanation not only unnecessary, but also improper.
I imagine that - should I ever be lucky enough to acquire one of these vessels - I will find myself toying with it late one night and wondering whether or not it had ever been used by one of Casanova's many conquests. Statistically, the chances of this would be quite high.
Then I will remember that Casanova was none too fussy about who he conquered, and an image of a painted, jaded, disease-ridden Dowager will spring rudely into my mental vision, and the glass will fall from my hands in a fit of revulsion, smashing to smithereens (good word, that - 'smithereens' - it's Irish, you know, and sounds it too) on the kitchen floor.
Maybe it would be best if I stuck to drinking glasses.