Wednesday 10 April 2013

No job for old men


My daughter called me up on Saturday to say that she was just getting in the car to come to visit from the North, via Cadbury World in Birmingham, which - I guess - is a shrine to all lovers of cheap chocolate.

I sort of understand, mainly because I once visited the headquarters of Bahlsen in Hannover and was amazed at how reverent I felt when picking up some hotel keys from the night porter there - I found myself thinking, "Blimey! This is where all those chocolate biscuits are made!"

In a vain attempt to burn off the excess energy of her small son which was created by all that chocolate, we arranged to meet up the following day at an 'adventure park' near Keynsham (spelt K, E, ... you have to be my age and British to understand this reference) which I never knew existed.

I arrived at this place and explained to a girl in the entrance hut that I was due to meet my daughter and grandson inside, but she apologised for saying that even if I didn't have any rides on the Dizzy Ducks, I would still have to pay £7.50 to get in. I asked her if there was a concession for the over 60s, and she said that this was the concession price for old men. Since I hit 60, I have always been slightly offended when nobody asks for I.D. when I try to take advantage of any concessions.

I found them watching kids chuck themselves down hair-raisingly high - actually vertical - huge slides and then we went to the cafe for some really disgusting lunch. I went outside to smoke a covert cigarette, and saw this bloke in the photo wander up to some parents, and ask them if they would like him to twist some balloons into amusing shapes for their captive children.

They were given the choice of 'giraffe', 'poodle', donkey, etc. etc. and each one would cost fifty pence. They settled on the first one he mentioned, and soon he began inflating a bright orange balloon at waist height, using a little pump. I was not quick enough to get a photo of that bizarre image, but you can imagine what it looked like in this climate of Operation Yew Tree investigations.

Ok, I know I have the mentality of an 8 year-old, but I always have to resist the temptation to ask for a phallus-shaped confection with balls on the end whenever I see these people at kid's parties or wherever, but I am sure he would have wanted a lot more than 50p to make it. At his age, a lot more - more than his job was worth.

I wouldn't have wanted one of his amusingly 'animal-shaped' balloons if they were free, and I'm not sure the children did either, but I did feel a bit sorry for the bloke. What a way to make a living.

Have you ever met a child who finds clowns anything other than terrifying?


25 comments:

  1. Now I think that YOU should perform " balloon " tricks for the pub regulars at your local....
    A balloon for a half pint!
    Now that would be fun

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    1. There are enough bloody balloon-twisters in our pub as it is, thank you.

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  2. I cannot stand clowns till today - I'm not terrified, only disgusted. (But I love real good comedies - so it has nothing to do with missing humour).
    Bahlsen - did "The Case of the Kidnapped-Biskuit" (which in Germany is called K,E,ks - only written in one word :-) get the attention of Albion?

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    1. No, I have never heard of that fascinating case! Please tell us?

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    2. Even I, a German, have not been aware that a Keks had gone missing. Huh?!

      Definitely stay away from Clowns and Ventriloquists. There is just something not quite right about them.

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    3. They SHOUT too much for a start.

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    4. The golden ‘Leibniz-cookie’ is the emblem of Bahlsen in Hannover, hanging high up and heavy (20 kilograms) in front of the main building. In January unknowns kidnapped that cookie and demanded that Bahlsen gives 52.000 packages of their cookies to children hospitals and kindergardens. Signed: “Cookie monster”. (International press, especially USA, wrote about it). Both sides made that deal – the golden cookie is back, the children are happy, Bahlsen had a good advertising (but the kidnapping was not faked) – and the police is still trying to find out who those 3 thieves were.

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    5. A wonderful story! Everyone is happy! I will continue to buy their wonderful Leibniz! (dunkel)

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  3. ...... Keynsham ..... spelt K...E...Y etc ......... memories of listening to Radio Luxemburg under the covers on my little red transistor radio !
    I don't find clowns too terrifying but I wasn't all that keen on the film of Stephen King's 'It' ! ..... and, I think that, as a child, I was quite fascinated by balloon modellers and in awe of the way they produced an animal/shape without popping the balloons. I guess the question is 'was your grandson captivated' ? XXXX

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    1. He was too captivated with a horse-burger inside to notice any balloon-twisters, Jack@.

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  4. Replies
    1. Ah, Luxembourg - the Van Allen Belt distorting all those American imports...

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  5. I wonder if Horace Batchelor ever twisted balloon animals, he certainly made monkeys out of his clients.

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    Replies
    1. I never tried The Fabulous Infra-Draw method, not even during sex.

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  6. Replies
    1. And fuck you too, whatever your real name is, but it is genuinely nice to hear from you, even if you did have to create it in order to get past my 'anonymous' block. Welcome!

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    2. I kinda like mccubbin as a name
      Sounds odd

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    3. He sounds odd too, but I like odd people, until they bore the shit out of me.

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  7. I long ago stopped thinking that anyone would ever ask for identification that I was under sixty Tom - I try to disguise the wrinkles with moisturiser but I fear it is to no avail.

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    1. I find a generous rendering with base-coat plaster helps, especially if you want to visit your local ingonito.

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  8. No, not a job for old men. Around here the balloon twisters are generally college youngsters, earning a couple of bucks. This old fellow's profile looks sad, hardly a happy interaction with a youngster.

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    Replies
    1. Well, I don't think there should be any age barrier to interacting with young people if you happen to be old, but others who are shit-scared of rapidly approaching middle age might disagree.

      I did genuinely fell sorry for this particular balloon-twister, but he is probably only about 10 years older than me.

      Somehow, I feel that the wealth of experience he must have accumulated over his life may - possibly - have been overlooked. He was obviously born during the last few years of WW2, so he cannot fall back on those times.

      But - what the heck - if I was on my own, I would learn ballroom dancing and go on cruise ships to act as paid partner to all those rich widows. I would even offer extras.

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    2. Oh, dear, Tom. I believe I am ten years older than you, at 70, and I'd put this fellow around your age, from the photo.

      At either age I would not like to be twisting balloons for pocket money.

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    3. With a better photo, you would know that he is more like your age than mine, and you don't even look your age. At my age, bashing stone for pocket money is probably just as inappropriate, but it may be a bit more dignified - just maybe.

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