Tuesday 5 February 2013

Stepping in a Richard


Richard the Third, disinterred.
Reg Presley, gone to meet Elvis,
there to compare a neck with a pelvis.
Houses of Parliament, rank and file,
vote to let Elton take Dave up the aisle.

Well that's today in a nutshell really, and - like the rest of the population - it's the Richard 111 story which most intrigues me, with Reg Presley coming a close second.

Poor old Reg - more famous for his bendy neck, inspiring the 'Spinal Tap' piss-take and being hoodwinked into believing in UFOs and aliens by a bunch of scallywags with lawn-rollers, than he is for all the musical innovation he inspired in the 1960s. I wonder if he went to his grave with the same convictions? Death's not fair, when you consider that Jimmy Savile went to his grave with no convictions whatsoever.

I would dearly love to lay my hands on the bones of the last Plantagenet King of England. My German dentist friend asked if I could acquire a tooth for his collection, but I am not holding out much hope of that. I have a dear friend who is a Plantagenet by birth (yes, I do move in those circles), so I may be able to get him a royal tooth of sorts, albeit about several hundred times removed (do the maths). Having a tooth removed once is bad enough, so I think he will have to wait until one falls out.

Gay marriage? I'm all for anything that makes the Church look like fools, but - and I am sorry for this - I cannot take most weddings seriously, let alone gay ones. My friend went to a Civil Ceremony between two of our mutual gay friends recently, and when I asked him how it all went, he said, "It was fine. All of the women were blubbing", and we both burst out laughing involuntarily.

Personally, I have never needed any meaningful, loving relationship to be validated by the Church or the Government with a rubber stamp or public declaration, but each to his/her own. I can understand going through the whole charade if there were even more meaningful tax-breaks to be had from HMRC, but a big day out costing about £30,000 would be too big for me.

A friend of mine's daughter was married recently, and he was complaining that her dress alone cost him about £5000. "And," I sympathetically pointed out, "it will only be used twice in her life." 

H.I.'s daughter has been dreaming of a big, fat, white wedding since she was 10 years old. She is now 45, with two grown children, and her wedding is booked for this coming Spring. Her (very nice, it has to be said) dress has arrived from Net a Porter, and I will not say how much it cost, even though (or especially since) it was payed for by H.I.

Ever since the engagement was announced, I have been under pressure to renew my battered old Armani suit, and - with the eagle-eyed help of H.I. - I now have a Black-Lable, charcoal-grey one originally costing $4000, which has only been worn once by the original, giant owner. I will tell you how much it cost: £175.

How the other half live.

23 comments:

  1. Hello Tom:
    Our approach to weddings of any kind is not so far off that of yours. We certainly consider them to be a complete waste of money. Our own, thirty or so years ago, was low budget by anyone's standards. Afterwards we held a garage sale of most of the items we had been given. Heartless, looking back.

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    1. So you did have to buy your own furniture after all?

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    2. Tom, the very thought! Who do you take us for?!!

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    3. Photos can lie, you know. Richard Adams, indeed.

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  2. Our wedding sounds much like the Hattatts ........ 36 years ago in the scorching hot summer of '76, reception in my parents garden with lobster and crab that my husband had caught scuba diving all on a very low budget by today's standards........ it was still a really good day though. Each to their own I say ..... I guess that it's just shows commitment be you straight or gay and also a really good excuse to have a brilliant party with all of your friends and family !!
    ........ but, enough of this ..... I am just so excited to have found out that you are really Johnny Depp ........ you disguise it well. Any chance of a date ?!! XXXX

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    1. Sorry, I should have said Johnny Depp's father... In 'Pirates'... Well, I bear more of a resemblance to Keith Richards than John Hurt...

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    2. Actually, that might be the other way round.

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  3. As you probably remember, my Gibraltar marriage was just after, as cost the same as, John Lennon's. About £10.

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    1. You could have kept John Lennon's father in the same luxury as John himself did on that budget.

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  4. Gay marriage and dicky 3?
    Now that's an eclectic blog subject...
    Gay marriage? Why not..... Not too bothered myself but I can't see the harm of it despite some looney tunes banging on about the importance of having kids and all that 'natural' malarkey ....

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    1. Me neither. Did you hear Charles Moore banging on this morning? He dug himself into a deeper hole that Dicky 3, what with all that nonsense about 'procreation'.

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  5. When we married very, very young, people who thought we 'had to marry' were utterly wrong :-) - we wanted. And had a beautiful little wedding party. Though I have to say the wedding of our son and daughter in law in a little Baroque church was really gorgeous. (And another wonderful occasion for a beautiful hat!) I love rituals, and milestones of festivities in life.
    As long as the institution marriage exists (and of course one can debate whether it is outdated), I see sense in allowing gay marriages, why should one deny them the rights (and duties) that heteros can claim?

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    1. True, Brigitta. There are certainly more gay priests in the world than there are straight ones, and I'm not even sure I trust the straight ones either. I love ritual too - I am really looking forward to my funeral. Maybe I will have a gay funeral.

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    2. For that wake party I recommend the recipes from the book 'Leon. Baking & Puddings' (which I hold in the picture above and had the honour to translate): "Irish Coffee" and "Guiness Malt Cake".

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    3. Thanks - since I won't be eating any of it, I'll give it a try.

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  6. My husband and I eloped and were married by a fountain at the courthouse! We spent our money on a week long camping trip on the coast afterwards (camping gear, new bikes, etc) and it was great! No one had to spend any money on us, and we only spent money on stuff we wanted! And afterwards, our parents were so happy that they didn't have to fork out cash for an expensive ceremony, they sent us very generous checks for wedding presents :)

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    1. You are ONE sensible gal, Jennifer. Was your camping holiday in Cockermouth?

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  7. I'm all for gay marriage myself and am always on the look-out for a gorgeous lesbian to get hitched to.

    Here's a video of Tom in his new suit...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYi8u-HsQTg

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    1. You won't be so un-reconstructed once the lesbians work out which part of Africa you live.

      I will - with trepidation - look up your link at my convenience, and I'm not talking public.

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    2. Right, I've just watched it. For a start, my shoulders are real. For another start, David Burns is naturally backward - he recently admitted it. For another start, I would have Tina Weymouth backwards any day of the week.

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    3. Has Chris gone to Africa?
      Hello
      Pip pip
      Have I missed something?

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    4. Oops! I was thinking of Hippo for a minute - sorry Chris! I bet you're crap at mine-clearance.

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  8. P.S. I have only just discovered that Reg Presley's real name was 'Reg Balls'. Spooky.

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