Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Non-Druidic party games

The rip-roaring success of yesterday's post proves yet again - if further proof were necessary - that when it comes to what people are really interested in, you cannot beat unadulterated smut, toilet humour, jokes about body-parts and all of the material that goes into making the stand-up routine of the average 6 year-old comedian.

A sausage is - for some deep (or shallow, if you happen to be a Druid) psychological reason - intrinsically funny on it's own, despite the grim ingredients from which it is made. Hold it up to your trousers, and it immediately takes on another level of sophistication which transcends ordinary, day-to-day humour, don't you agree? The very word, 'sausage', is enough to break the ice at the frostiest of funerals.

On the rare occasions that H.I. and me go shopping together, I will always surreptitiously pick up a particularly phallic-shaped carrot from the vegetable stall, and hold it to my nether regions at a jaunty angle until she notices me, and she always rolls her eyes heavenward in an attitude of 'Oh for God's sake', without the slightest hint of a smile on her face. It's a bit like going shopping with a Druid.

Once, when I was playing this little game for the 300th time, H.I. finally noticed me, and as she rolled her eyes, I heard the helpless screaming of laughter from a fellow woman shopper who had also noticed me do it, and she could hardly stand for laughing as she watched from the other end of the aisle, tears streaming down her face.

My Sugar-Daughter has a friend who she calls 'The Curly Jew' (to her face), and recently, Curly has had to undergo a minor procedure (as they are called these days) on both eyelids, to remove a few persistent cysts. This left her temporarily blind, and S.D. was to visit her that evening to take her mind off things, and generally behave as friends should under trying circumstances.

S.D. was planning how they would spend the evening together, and because TV or DVDs were off the menu, she planned party games for the blind. She asked if I had any suggestions.

I replied that if they were to invite me around, we could play 'Suck the Tail Off the Donkey' and 'Blind Man's Muff', to name but two popular party games which involve blindfolds, so I was not invited.

Before she went off, I suggested that they could play, 'Guess the Root-Vegetable' with each other, and wondered if she had ever played it before, as a couple of friends of mine had done in order to spice up their jaded marriage. The great thing about this game is that you can eat the props when it is over.

When I saw S.D. the next day, she said that they had a wonderful time that night, but as she didn't go past a green-grocer on the way to Curly's parents house, they did not play 'Guess the Root-Vegetable'. The look on her face told me that she had never played this game before, and I had to explain why I was laughing so much.

The short answer is 'no', I don't think I will ever grow up.


  1. There is nothing like a phallic vegetable to lift a black mood is there ?

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I always think that a real Phallus brightens the day somewhat

    3. A, I would like to know what you deleted in place of this filth, John, and B , why do you keep hi-jacking other's threads (though I always love your comments) by clicking the 'reply' button?

      Jack@ - Black vegetables are the best, but difficult to come by.

    4. Oh sorry - I've just realised you were talking to Jack@, not me. Carry On (Blogging).

    5. Hi jacking?
      I thought I was just participating..........?

    6. Are we not allowed to comment on the comments?
      I am unsure of your nazi rules?

    7. were commenting on my comment when I was re commenting!

    8. Hi-jacking Jack@ when Jack@ is commenting and John is re commenting on a comment could cause all sorts of commenting complications.
      ..... French Purple carrots could be a good source of a humorous black vegetable but I've never seen a phallic aubergine and I can't think of any other black vegetables that would fit the bill. XXXX

    9. Fuck me, that took three comments for you to work out, John, whereas it only took one wrong one for me - talk about kettles and black.

      Sorry Jack@ - I've just spent my energy quota trying to deal with the animal-hoarder...

  2. I think you live in a different world from me Tom (and I like yours (world I mean) a lot)!

  3. Replies
    1. So you've seen his vagina as well, eh?

  4. Replies
    1. Save a cow, eat a horse over here these days.

  5. Hahaha I love your verbal sparring with Johh. You two are a hoot.