Tuesday 29 January 2013

1 percent hardener and 50 percent oyster-piss


Last night, some sad person drove a black Ferrari round and round the streets of Bath, gunning the engine unnecessarily, and quite putting me off the composition of my enlightening blog post, so that I had to resort to visual content alone to get my point over. Needless to say, the driver had no companion.

Yesterday, I followed the instructions of the man in the Shape-Shifting Shop to the letter, and only added what I thought to be one percent of hardener to the crystal-clear, polyester resin that I flooded into the top of the Breccia marble column plinth to the right of the photo above, then sat back and waited the half an hour he said it would take to go hard enough to cut back and re-polish.

Two hours later, it was just as liquid as when I first poured it, and I began to panic a little. I spent the next hour trying to decide on a tactic to either get the stuff to go off a little quicker, or remove it altogether using about 500 feet of paper towels and half a gallon of acetone. (See Chania? I told you marble was tricky stuff to fill).

In the end, I decided to keep my nerve and retire for the night, giving it ample opportunity to do what it says on the tin and go hard of it's own volition. I will creep into the workshop today and slowly put my head round the door so as not to frighten it. Wish me luck.

Last night's dinner:

A half a dozen fresh oysters and about two hundred Morcambe Bay shrimps (or 'Nord See Krabben', as my German dentist friend calls them) on brown toast with butter, washed down with a white Muscadet, followed by one of the best arses I have seen in yonks (see previous post).

My little pocket knife is used every single day for a multitude of purposes (some of which you would not want me to describe if I am opening oysters for you), but - as I have recently discovered - is almost purpose built for opening reluctant oysters. I believe that more people would eat fresh oysters if only they had the right tool for getting them open.

The trick to opening oysters: 

First and foremost, you need a short, thick-bladed little knife with a very pointy end, and it must either be a fixed blade or have a good lock on it. You will definitely lose a finger or two if you use an un-locked, folding knife. Place the oyster on a wooden board with it's back down and cover two thirds of it with the palm of your other hand, very firmly. Cowards or inexperienced people may want to cover that hand with a cloth or leather glove.

Take the oyster by surprise - do not give it enough time to use it's hydraulics to close the lid even firmer than it is already - they know when they are under attack. Insert the pointed end of the knife into the hinge of the shell at the correct angle, and gently but firmly push it inwards with tiny twisting movements until you break the seal. The oyster will give a little sigh of submission when it knows all is lost, and the shell will part suddenly, which is when most people stab themselves through the left hand and never eat oysters again. Oh and - by the way - take care not to lose too much of the seawater inside the shell - that is one of the best bits, and composed of about 50 percent oyster-piss. Chew your oyster. To swallow them without chewing is a waste of taste, and besides, I like to finish them off before digesting them.

No? Oh all right then, all the more for me.


10 comments:

  1. I have recently heard that a two second blast in the microwave opens them a treat, and has no ill effect on the beastie! I haven't tried this as yet, so cannot confirm!

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    1. That - to my mind - would be cruel and cowardly. Be a man/woman and use a knife!

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  2. I am imagining this 'glint' in your eyes as you chew the creature, covered in its own piss, until it's well and truly dead followed by a look of pure ecstasy as you swallow it down and wait for the blissful and satisfying burp that will follow...

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    1. You have a ripe imagination, Broad. I eat them as I do any food which deserves it - with respect. Also, it would take more than an oyster to bring me to ecstasy - see the previous post.

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  3. Yuk, yuk and treble yuk Tom.
    Do oysters actually have a wee??

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    1. Well, I have never met a toilet-trained one, so I suppose so.

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  4. I absolutely LOVE oysters....my sister loves them too but after two bouts of salmonella, she gives them a miss now...... I just cross my fingers everytime I eat them!!
    Hope it's gone hard !!!! XXXX

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    1. Jacqueline!!!!!!! You know he's not 25 anymore.

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    2. Girls, girls - calm down, for goodness sake. Just because oysters taste (so I am told, but you would know this better than I, if you have ever eaten an oyster...) like Neptune's sperm, it doesn't mean they are an aphrodisiac - not that I need one, for a variety of reasons. I hardly need a pair of trousers these days, for all the notice taken of me by 25 year-old girls.

      On a less serious note, it is always good to give any shellfish a miss for 7 years if you have eaten a bad one, but since - as Iris pointed out - I have a limited amount of time to recover from seafood poisoning, I am getting them in now while I have a chance. How many more 7 years do I have left?

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    3. Oh, and by the way, the resin did not go hard, so I have left a BLOW heater on it all night, in the hope that will do the trick.

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