Saturday 6 October 2012

Pissing off Iain Banks, plus guests


Talking of pissing myself, the Autumn Equinox is now well over the yard-arm, and I feel the time has come to allow myself the occasional whisky and water of an evening, in place of the Rose wine which is better suited to the Summer Solstice.

Although I never buy blended Scotch these days, I don't loyally stick to one particular brand of single malt, and because there are so many distilleries dotted around the Highlands and Lowlands, I am - very slowly - sampling quite a lot of them according to what's on offer at Waitrose.

Last year, I virtually accompanied Iain Banks around about 100 of these places during his search for the perfect dram, but I was a few years too late to apply for the real job. In any event, he had plenty of volunteers for it, and only a handful were successful. They had to be Scottish (to save on travel expenses) and they had to be able to drive him safely between distilleries, which meant that although he reluctantly allowed them behind the wheels of one of his shit-hot cars, they had to be sober as well. They didn't think that one through, did they?

The only thing I remember about his notes for the Dufftown (hints of The Simpsons in this brew) 12 year-Old malt called 'The Singleton', was his irritation at they way they tacked the word 'The' on the front of it, rather than simply calling it 'Singleton'.

There are two reasons for this (his irritation, that is). The first is that Mr Banks seems to be the sort of fellow who becomes irritated at the slightest thing, and the second is that - being a successful writer - he abhors the juxtaposition of two words that serve no complimentary purpose. I get the feeling that he would have been happier if the Speyside distillery had simply called their product, 'The'.

There are also two distinct types of whisky drinker, but usually they fall into the bracket of blended drinkers - the ones who become smiley and benign after a quarter of a bottle, and the ones who get a bit punchy and aggressive. Iain falls into the former, which is just as well for someone who spends most of his sober time as grumpy as he.

Anyway, I like this bottle-green bottle and I like it's shape - curved on the front and flat on the back, giving it a much more generous look than the 75 ml would suggest. It tastes nice too - pale and fast-flowing, like the Spey itself, but not so shallow. The water it is made with actually comes from a well called 'Highlandman John's', but I suppose what they don't use finds it's way into the Spey eventually anyway.

One of the biggest delights for me when drinking Scottish single malts is reading the absolute bollocks that modern marketing dictates should be printed on the labels. The isle of Jura excels in this form of nonsense, and their whisky labels are an absolute joy to read - printed on elaborate boxes, in gold, over misty pictures of Jura's famous 'Paps', which would be hard enough to read even without tears of laughter streaming into one's eyes. THE Singleton is very modest in it's bollocks-quota, with only a reference to a well named after a Highlander called 'John'.

I have just been interrupted mid-flow by the arrival of an email from my niece, who has dug out a hilariously politically incorrect picture of my sister (her mother - the one who is desperately ill in hospital right now), standing on a parade float which has obviously been sponsored by another, southern brewery. I have tacked it onto the bottom of this post, for all to see.

I know it's not much of a defence, but you have to understand that she has always been a keen singer, and this photo must have been taken when she was a member of some light operatic group, at a time when it was almost - almost - permissible to celebrate an inaccurate (not to say fictitious) interpretation of the music which white, Southern American plantation-owners were supposed to be entertained with by their slaves and servants as they did their best to avoid the unwanted attention of the Ku Klux Klan.

Oh well, my Sis is the one farthest to the right, holding a tambourine. If it is any consolation, she is receiving her come-uppance from God as we speak..



36 comments:

  1. I must agree. Those white, be-hatted, southern gals, are not too PC.

    Someone gave me a bottle of Glenlivet Whisky about 20 years ago, which has yet to be broached. As it was a 15 year old single malt, it now must be about 35 years old. Maybe this winter will see its opening; I don't normally drink spirits.

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    1. That's another one which pisses of Iain Banks by calling itself, 'The Glenlivet'.

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    2. I've drunk so much of it that I cannot remember. You had better consult the other Mr Banks - or just open the bottle and see for yourself. After 35 years, I am guessing that it might be passable, even though it has matured in glass rather than oak.

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    3. I suppose you didn't notice my use of the word 'of' for 'off' in the above comment, or couldn't you bring yourself to point it out?

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    4. I'd presumed it was Somerset dialect!

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    5. In France they say, "Oo La La", in Somerset we say, "Oo Ar Ar".

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  2. Sorry to be pedantic and boring after reading your interesting post, but Scotch whisky is not spelled with an 'e'. Check that label. All other whiskies use the 'e' - see Jamieson's ( Irish Whiskey) for example. Luckily I've not had a drop of Scotch today as usually I fall into the second category of blended drinker. Sadly I don't need Scotch to make me grumpy these days.

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    1. Don't apologise, Elegance. I need pedants more than most. I'll go and remove the offending 'e' now.

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    2. I wonder why she didn't mention the spelling of Ku (Klu) Klux Klan' maybe she didn't notice!

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    3. Damn - something else I have to go back and correct.

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    4. Whisky is important KKK is not.

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    5. They make a good Bourbon, though, and the Marlboro cigarettes aren't bad either.

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  3. Tom - I hardly dare to utter these words but I hate whisky - the smell, the taste, the lot. Is there something pathologically wrong with me?

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    1. Probably not. If you drank three glasses of the stuff on one cold, winter night in the Highlands, you would probably be hooked for life.

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  4. I only drink whisky on Saturdays. I received an e-mail from my daughter this summer (who was house-sitting) to say that she was suffering with her wisdom teeth but found that gargling with my whisky really helped. She had discovered my secret stash of Balvenie Doubelwood. (The Balvenie!) Aaaagh.

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    1. When I drank the blended stuff (too much Famous Grouse than was good for me) I drank it for my wisdom teeth also. When the teeth were ok, every time I drank it after for about 3 years, the Pavlov's Bell went off, and my teeth began to ache again.

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  5. My husband instilled such a sense of guilt in me to even think of drinking malt whisky with ice that I almost never drink it. I like to have a glass filled with ice and the whisky poured over it and when the drink has had a chance for the ice to begin to melt -- that's when I enjoy it the most. When I feel the need for a 'drink' whisky is a most satisfying solution.

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    1. You are - maybe - talking about Bourbon? I had a flirtation with a litre bottle of Southern Comfort once, and when I finished it, I understood how Janis Joplin went downhill.

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    2. AAAAARGH! The Broad - guessing you must be from the USA. More crimes are committed against Scotch in that country than any other. A malt Scotch whisky must only be diluted with water - a little helps to 'open' the 'nose'. Amazingly many Scots add lemonade to a glass of blended whisky drunk in the day time. But NEVER NEVER add ice. You have been added to the Scotch Whisky Association Most Wanted list. Be very afraid of the imminent arrival of a highlander wearing a kilt and brandishing a claymore (aka a 'broadsword' hahaha).

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    3. And look out for a Skean Dhu if they are not carrying a Claymore. (check the socks - you can't be too careful, as the McDonalds found out to their cost)

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  6. Gorgeous ... I hope she will be okay.

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  7. After polishing off the majority of a bottle of Glenfiddich in my younger days and having to be carried out to the car, I have abstained from drinking the single malt ........ it's wine for me nowdays with the odd gin and tonic and cocktail ....oh, and maybe a glass of Champagne and anything else alcoholic that anyone would care to offer me.
    ..... and that photograph of your sister takes me back to when saturday night was 'The Black and White Minstrel Show' night and I actually had a toy Golliwog ....... not at all PC. XXXX

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    1. I recently bought (in desperation) a Jar of Robinson's Marmalade in the corner shop, and was disappointed to find that the Golliwog has been replaced by Paddington Fucking Bear. Cowards.

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    2. Not Paddington Fucking Bear ..... how could they ...... I loved my Golliwog and I had the whole collection of Robertsons ( I think that it was Robertson's not Robinson's) Golliwog badges in their various guises. XXXX

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    3. Here you go again - Robertson, Schmobertson - what does it matter what they call themselves now that the Golliwog has gone, already?

      I really need some non-pedantic black person to come on and put me right. 'Our Simple Lives' has blocked any comments on their site - presumably for legal reasons. Shame, I need the input more than he does.

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    4. There is a knitted Golly on my desk as I write.

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    5. They're still sold new, amazingly.

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  8. Calm down.... calm down .......
    Lemon Barley ..... Schlemon Barley

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  9. I have only every "drank" whiskey when it is drizzled on ice cream cake ( in spain) I absolutely HATE the taste otherwise!
    Tom, I never thought of you as a whiskey drinker
    ( bourbon perhaps,,,,)

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    1. OMG, where have you been? Do the maths - go figure! Sheesh! I mean, PERLEEZE!

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  10. "sheesh"?????
    what are you?
    American?

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  11. As i read your entry, i also thought of "THE Glenlivet" as that's the scotch i drink. On this side of the Pond i think of scotch and whisky (or US whiskey) as two different things. Scotch i enjoy; whisky or whiskey i don't.

    I prefer my scotch neat but have had it on the rocks.

    I had Southern Comfort once. It was my first hangover and i've never drunk it again. Even just smelling it makes me nauseous.

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