Friday 5 October 2012

'Caring'


I became a bit tetchy last night, and now in the cold light of day I understand a little clearer why.

If you could see my sister lying in her hospital bed (five foot ten inches tall and around six stone in weight, as I have already mentioned), aged 68 but looking closer to 80 - actually, well past 80 - then you will understand how I became so impotently angry yesterday. I came very close to driving to her hospital to give a male nurse a very stern talking-to indeed.

My niece told me last night that she had endured an awful day and evening, thanks to the unspeakably cruel and insensitive behaviour of one particular male nurse. My niece tells me that all the other permanent nurses on her ward are the typical caring angels that we hope for, but this bloke seems to be a stand-in and temporary aberration.

He made my dear sister actually cry by saying, "Oh no!", when he found that her pad (to the bedpan) was dirty, then he gave her a new bedpan without a pad, and when the thing split as it inevitably would, snapped at her that she had 'wet the bed', and showed marked signs of anger with her, causing her to break down in tears. He himself showed no signs of remorse at the effects of his appalling attitude.

You have to understand that my sister does not even have the strength to lift herself up in bed to a sitting position, and is made more comfortable every day by her own daughter.

For God's sake, my sister came within a hair's breadth of dying only 2 weeks ago, and is still not out of the woods. To have to endure the humiliation of her situation, exacerbated by the bad practice of a nurse who - in my view - has no business looking after any people, let alone ones as vulnerable as my sister, is just too much.

What draws uncaring people into caring jobs? I shudder to think.

When I was in primary school, my mother sent me in one day with a note explaining that I had a minor bladder infection, and that if I asked to be excused during class, this was the reason. I was about 8 years old, and I handed the note to the teacher, who briefly looked at it then put it to one side.

Half way through the class, I raised my hand and asked if I could go to the toilet. The teacher refused permission, and told me to stay in my seat, telling me I should have gone before I entered class.

Of course, about five minutes later, I could hold on no longer and I pissed myself.

When the class ended, she told everyone to get up and leave the room, but - because I had a massive damp patch over my grey, short trousers, I stayed seated.  She started screaming at me to stand up and leave, and when I finally did, I burst into tears through shame and humiliation.

I expected her to comfort me as my mother would have done, but how wrong I was.

She called all the other children back into the room and told me to turn around and face them as she said, "Stephenson has wet himself." Everyone in the mixed class laughed and jeered at me until I was rescued by a playground monitor who took me into the staff room and dried me off. Even in the staff room, most of the rest of the school laughed, stared and pointed at me through the windows until they were told by the monitor to go away and leave me alone. Up until this point, the elderly woman monitor had always been considered a real dragon, but the humanity she showed me was - although only human and to be expected in any other circumstances - truly kind.

Every word of the above is true, and although this happened many years ago, this sort of thing still seems to be going on anywhere where vulnerable people are forced to be - children or adult.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, and by the way, the Ward Sister (if they still exist under that name) is going to meet and talk to all the staff about this incident with my sister, following a complaint lodged by my niece.

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    1. I was a ward "sister" and they sill exist!...and she does right..here's hoping the experiential learning approach works

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  2. He should be fired for deliberately inflicting more pain on a patient. I have never understood the meanness of people.

    I had an incident like you when i was in the first grade. The teacher (nun) humiliated me and made me get down on the floor and clean it up. Those memories stay with you forever.

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  3. Well done, your niece, for complaining ..... that's terrible Tom and I really feel for your sister. My Dad never had a days illness in his life but, he went into a nursing home at the age of 91 and they used to have to use the hoist which he hated and some of the staff were less than kind.That male nurse will probably be old one day and will want to be treated with kindness and respect if and when it happens to him.
    ........ and your story has really pulled at my heartstrings. That teacher ( if you can honour her with that title) obviously had issues and, being in the position she was, took them out on the poor child that was in her 'care'....... she used her power to punish, manipulate and ridicule you and she was a fucking cow ! Was it just the one time that she bullied you or were there others? ........ that will be £150 and please make another appointment !!!! XXXX

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  4. My heart has cracked, reading this. I cannot understand the inhumanity and I hope that the nurse is punished severely.

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  5. I am so sorry Tom...both incidents are unspeakably unkind. Sending white healing light to your family.

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  6. The only thing I remember of one particular teacher at my prep' school was him constantly shouting 'if a man can't hold his water, he ought to be shot'. Luckily I was able to hold mine!

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  7. I'm glad your neice complained. The last thing you want when ill and frail is someone bullying you.
    On my husband's last session in a French hospital, some 80% paralysed, a male nurse gave him a bottle when he said that he needed a pee. Clearly, with paralysed hands and forearms, he could not hold it and the bed was wet.
    Returning nurse was contemptuous and insulting....and very surprised to be on report!
    Goodness only knows what he was like with other patients.

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  8. as a nurse of 29 years standing, I am always saddened but not surprised when I hear of bad nursing practice
    There is no excuse for poor nursing care. Even over worked and over tired nurses can make sure the essentials are done....we all are human YES but we chose to be nurses and by taking that choice we have to assume the responsibility of giving proper care.
    I am sorry Tom. I am sorry for your sister. I am sorry for that nurse who should know better
    and I am sorry for the profession that is often tainted by episodes like these.

    chin up dear heart... being a relative of someone who is seriously ill is the hardest thing anyone can do.... the helplessness is overhelming
    x

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    1. Thanks, John. I thought that this might provoke a response from you because you ARE a male nurse, but be assured that it was not an attack on the whole profession (including teachers), and everyone I know who has had experience of NHS care has about 99 positive stories to tell for every negative.

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  9. Sending your sister and your family love and prayers. What a horrible thing to have to go through. As for the teacher who ridiculed you, it makes my blood boil how anyone could be so insensitive.

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  10. Of no help to you, but when my ten year old granddaughter was hospitalized recently she had an advocate who went with her to enforce my granddaughters' entirely reasonable view of how her procedure should unfold. IV anesthesia vs. mask. But, you and your neice, as advocates, will affect her outcome for the better. Anger is a good thing.

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  11. Those two stories are awful and I'm so sorry that your sister had to go through all that humiliation on top of what she is already going through. And Tom, for you having to endure that episode when you were in school. I think John has hit the nail on the head when he says most of the nursing staff are brilliant. It's just the odd one or two who could learn from the others. I'm standing on the sidelines too, watching someone close to me battling with cancer but I can honestly say, all the staff we been in contact with have been absolutely wonderful.

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  12. Thanks to you all for your really heart-warming thoughts, and if I can think of anything relevant to say to each of you individually, then I will. Not 'till tomorrow though - I have to eat now! X

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  13. Tom - your story is close to my heart as I rescued my elderly mother from the local hospital into the most wonderful and caring community care via her GP.

    Your sister is in a hospital not far from me and I would be happy to visit her and assist with any caring options. I absolutely will not accept poor NHS care and I am staunch advocate of this action. I am very distressed by your experience as it is totally unacceptable. In any case please contact me via my email address. Cx

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    1. That's very kind of you, Elegance, but - right now - my sis has a hard job dealing with even close relatives, so I cannot take up your kind offer on her behalf. If things get out of hand, I will be in touch, but we are not anticipating a repeat of this experience because we have trust in the regular staff there that things are now in hand, and none of us close family are going to let it happen again anyway.

      Thanks for your offer, though.

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  14. That makes me so sad Tom. My mum has experienced nurses that make her cry and degrade her. I get very angry when I hear a vulnerable person is not respected. And your story of the wee in your pants saddens me. To think a teacher would incite the laughter and ridicule of a student like this. I hope your sister has a better day today.

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  15. Tom, i'm glad your sister has you and your niece as advocates. I've had teachers like the one you described and wondered why they were allowed to be teachers.

    I'm glad you can see this one bad apple is just that--one bad apple not that every one is that way. Still, makes it hard for the other apples in the barrel.

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