Thursday 11 October 2012

Afghan hounds in deepest Somerset


Today started early with a marathon phone call to my distressed niece, and it consisted mainly of me reassuring her that she had a perfect right to be distressed, having lost her mother so recently, and that I would have been amazed if she had not been.

Of course, the subject of the looming funeral was brought up, and she said that she was dreading it. I said that nobody likes funerals, but I have never met anyone who has regretted going to one yet, though I have met one or two people who have regretted not going to one.

Funerals are an essential ritual for the living, and doing without them creates a steaming mess of unfinished business. You may think that you are attending a funeral for the sole sake of others, but in reality, they help everyone including yourself, whether or not you believe in some sort of afterlife. Selfishly, I often hope that I kick the bucket before H.I. but this thought is so selfish that I sometimes feel ashamed of myself for even considering the possibility.

By reminding niece about the purpose of these rituals, I also reminded myself - and this at a time when Jimmy Savile's family are smashing up his tombstone and throwing it into a skip in disgust.

Niece's family are far from affluent, but there is hardly ever a time when a poor parent dies leaving their children with nothing. I know what my Sis's final gift to niece will be - strength.

My father left me 'courage', but I am not sure whether these things are gifts, or if we just take them without asking. In any event, we all know that they would never be refused if actually asked for in life, so I don't think it makes much difference either way.

Niece has been struggling with her day to day life for a long time now, and much of it has been taken up with her mother, so the hole left in her life is that much the greater. Ironically, the event she has been dreading for so many years will actually help in the long-term, now that it has actually happened. Of course, she does not understand this yet and I'm not sure she will on a conscious level, but as I keep telling her, it's early days and nothing will be resolved until after the funeral.

I think that I may be taking her to an animal sanctuary in Somerset during the next few days, so she can visit friends she has there, as well as the animals. Apparently, feral dogs often wander into the military bases of Afghanistan, and are fed and befriended by the British soldiers.

If a soldier can afford to, he will fly the dog back to England after his tour of duty has finished, because they often cannot bear just leaving the poor things behind to return to the miserable lives they had before their arrival.

So deep in the heart of Somerset, there are a bunch of very 'foreign-looking' (according to niece) mutts wandering happily around a different compound, moaning about the weather like true Brits and learning to play the piano in their spare time.

I'll get off the subject of death shortly, I promise, but right now it seems to be at the top of my agenda, and certain duties have been thrust upon me. It is another unexpected and welcome spin-off that I am in such close contact with niece after all these years though, so I am sort of enjoying it in a strange way.

Oh, and by the way, that award-winning playwright sent me an email last night, saying he would be happy (sigh) to see a few pages of my story at some point, so maybe my suicidal gambit wasn't so suicidal after all.

I did take the opportunity to apologise to him as some of you suggested, but added that - of all the other successful writers I knew - he was the one I least cared about pissing off with my bad manners. All the others throw very nice dinner-parties, and I would hate not to be invited to them ever again.

20 comments:

  1. That photo is incredibly chilling is it not?
    now where's that scotch egg?

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    1. Apparently, the dog is called 'Mona', and it sings as well. 'Scotch egg'?

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  2. Your niece really needs someone to talk to at the moment, and I'm sure you're doing the job well. The real angst usually fades quite quickly, but during those peak times of angst it's very important to have a confidante. Well done.

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    1. The other thing is that I am quite like my sister in more ways than the rest of us, and her voice is pretty much identical to hers as well. I have a different taste in frocks, though.

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  3. When you've finished plinking away at that piano Uncle Tom, you need to get yourself a haircut.

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  4. Welcome to Janzi. I hope I am not the subject of a legal search, though.

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  5. Nieces. They have needs we don't ever know about until times of desperation. Obviously she knows you are someone she can turn to. Keep up the good work Uncle Tom.

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  6. Funeral ARE for the living, a fact that became very clear to me when my husband was killed at 26 yrs. old. I never got that about funerals until after his, and whenever anyone tells me they don't want a funeral, I encourage them to do so for the sake of the ones they will leave behind.
    Bless you for being there for your niece, she's a lucky girl to have an uncle that cares deeply.

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  7. Yes funerals are about the living, Tom, not the dead. I am glad that you are writing about it every day - getting it off your chest all helps.
    That afghan hound picture is so good - often wonder though whether it would be better to fly children who have been orphaned back here rather than dogs.

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    1. Good point, Weave. I bet they would be better at learning piano.

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  8. I think we need to adopt the rituals of some other cultures and wail and dance and play music for days.....really let out the feelings and grief. We are so trained to "be strong" and hold it in, when we really need a good scream and wail. Your poor niece has a tough road ahead. Losing a mother when you are young robs you of many things you need.

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    1. No, I don't think so. Us Brits are losing our stiff upper lips as it is. You need to go to a good West Indian funeral if you want to scream, sing and wail, otherwise it bothers the neighbours - even West Indian neighbours.

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  9. Tom, I'm glad you're there for your niece. She really needs you now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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    1. Thank you Moll. Some good will come from this, I am sure.

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  10. I've laboriously typed your name into google in order to leave you a comment, Tom!
    I have found funerals to be surprisingly happy affairs, once the ceremonies are over. The house is filled with relatives and friends who are rarely all together at the one time and good memories and ridiculous past behaviour is recalled. I have been greatly comforted by the unexpected things that people remember on these occasions with love and affection.
    "We could hear you laughing from the top of the village" said a daughter when my cousins were all crammed into our small sitting room.
    I hope that your niece will gain strength and comfort from those around her.

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    1. Thank you Cher. I know she will, but there is a bit of an uphill road for her to come. All - I am sure - will be well, and probably better than before. Different, but better in a different way. Times of crisis - an 'ill wind', etc.

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  11. An awful time for your niece right now Tom. We all deal with grief differently and, I'm sure that she will deal with this in her own way and come out the other side..... there is no masterplan.... just time and support. XXXX

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