Tuesday 4 September 2012

I've suffered for my art - now it's your turn


I have mentioned in the past about the 'BONG' chord which all Apple Mac computers make when you turn them on, and I said that I was beginning to find the sound irritating after several years of listening to it - I have only ever had Macs.

The trouble is that I only ever hear the sound in the morning, when we are all most susceptible to extraneous noises - the most extreme being Nokia's 'Irritato' signature phone tune.  I found some relief recently, by pretending to hear the noise as a single chord pulled randomly from the Dam Busters march, but I can only keep up this self delusion for so long.

Well, someone has compounded my misery even further by telling me that the Mac 'BONG' was created by none other than Brian Eno, and he, presumably, has become rich from every time someone like me turns on their machine and hears it.

Mr Eno was the weird-looking geek in 'Roxy Music', the alternative Glam-Band whose career was launched here in Bath by a friend of mine when he hired the local theatre for a one-night stand for them, coinciding with the release of their first album.  I quite liked them at the time, before I realised what a fatuous and vain clown Brian Ferry was.

Just before I moved to Bath, I shared a house - briefly - on the Cambridgeshire Fens with the ex Mrs Eno, and her ghastly charming mother, and when I was there I became embroiled in some in-house politics which required me to take sides with one faction or the other of the house, which was split down the middle between the two Mrs Enos and a bunch of resentful hippies who refused to do the washing-up.  I only lasted a couple of weeks, mainly because I was told by the ghastly charming Eno senior that if I didn't spy for them to warn them of further insurrection, I would have no useful place in the household.  I left pretty sharpish.

From one extreme to the other, I moved to Canterbury - also in the east - and ended up spending a month in the flat of Ian Dury, who I bumped into on the High Street as he was walking along with an old friend of mine.  I didn't know who he was at the time, but how characteristically bloody nice of the man to lend his flat to a complete stranger, as he went on tour with his band.

Brian Eno has certainly produced some ground-breaking music in his time, the most innovative being 'My Life in the Bush of Ghosts', which spawned all that sampling from random sources which is now taken for granted in the music world.  The album was so good that it inspired me to buy the book with the same title, and a weirder or more impenetrable one written by a complete mad-man you will never find.  I only managed half of it before retiring with a headache.

I told a professional musician friend of mine (Bath has a LOT of musicians) recently, that I used to play (badly) a few different wind-instruments, and he asked why I stopped.

I told him that - some years ago - someone had told me that they 'could not live without playing music', and I thought 'bollocks - of course you could'.  To prove this theory, I put down the clarinet and pipes, etc. and never picked them up again.  Look!  I'm still alive after all these years!

In response to this tale, he said that he thought it was unforgivable for anyone who could play music to stop doing so, and added that he could not think of a worse crime against humanity.

I began to think that this might be the difference between someone who plays, and someone who just plays around.  I could live without writing as well, but - for the time being - I am not going to prove it, no matter how hard you try to get me to stop.  At least you don't have to read it - it's not like it is coming out of the speakers in a lift.

Do you, like me, have an almost uncontrollable desire to punch the lights out of poets who stand up in public to read out their drivel in a monotonous, self-important drone?  (closing question)

28 comments:

  1. I can't think why you haven't been on Desert Island Discs yet, given your skill for vituperation and all your musical connections. Could you record your own version of the show and put it on YouTube for us? Cro might be willing to be Kirsty Young.

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    1. Now I have to look up the word 'vituperation' to find out whether or not I have been insulted. I cannot think of a more inappropriate choice of Kirsty Young than Cro.

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    2. Shut up you tart; I'd make a wonderful Kirsty Young (whoever she is).

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    3. Nah - even with a blonde wig when you were 25... nah.

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  2. I used to play the violin, stopped, and I am still alive too!!!
    If I'd continued, some bastard would have killed me.

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    1. I've always fancied moving into a small, shared flat with a tuba, just to see the look on their faces. It would be worth the 1st month's rent alone.

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    2. Also, closing question: No.
      C'mon. Most of them probably plumb sewers, mend fences or teach teenage kids history all day.
      And they are not broadcasted in a lift, so you are safe if you don't want to partake.

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    3. I've never met a plumber who wears black knee- length boots with his trousers tucked into the tops on his nights off, Sarah, and I wouldn't let my kids be taught by anyone who did either. It's worse than being in a lift - you're not allowed to drink beer in lifts - at least, not our lifts (except on Council High-Rises)

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  3. I used to play the piano ..... I was, and still am, very good at my interpretation of a pub piano player .....very Les Dawson ! As a 9 year old, the dragon of a piano teacher used to slam the piano lid on my fingers !! That didn't give me an awful lot of encouragement ! She also look very much like Bette Davies in 'Whatever Happened To Baby Jane'.
    I also think that you should be in the Guinness Book of Records for the man with the most friends !

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    1. Oh, and Brian Ferry used to be our patient ....... he was quite nice I thought and very quiet.....was never a big Roxy Music fan though.

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    2. Did Mr Ferry turn up to A and E with a bottle stuck up his arse?

      Yes, I count myself lucky to have (had) many friends. I wonder if they feel (felt) the same way...?

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  4. Closing question...er, no.
    I was listening to 'Love is a Drug', by Roxy Music over the weekend. What a tune!
    You have led a very interesting life Tom Stephenson.
    It makes for good reading... although maybe not out loud or some grumpy sod might punch your lights out.

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    1. Maybe it's just me then? Obviously you and Sarah hold a candle for some pallid poet you have shagged in the long distant past! I'd like to see the grumpy old sod who tried... (don't take me too seriously... please...)

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    2. Ha ha!
      Alas my life is not as glamorous as yours (working on it though).

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  5. I used to play the cornet and the trombone (not at the same time).

    A very good friend of mine has organised Brian Ferry's very disorganised life for him, since about the 70's. As a result I get free CD's, books, and whatever else he produces. Can't be bad!

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    1. Could very well be bad, in my experience. I had this image of you playing the trombone with a cornet stuck up your arse for a minute.

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  6. Re that last paragraph Tom - yes - I can just remove my hearing aid though - it is surprising how often this is a useful thing to do!

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    1. Wonderful, but you may end up smiling in the wrong places and encouraging the sod.

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    2. yell me why does ANYONE actually choose the play the tuba?

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  7. 'Yell' you? Ok, then. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO - ALRIGHT??????!!!!!!

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  8. oH i LOVE your PAUL MERTON sense of humour

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  9. Michael Flanders, when his French horn went missing, threatened to take up the tuba instead....clearly the tuba is the instrument of vengeance.

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    1. That's the best (non-military) explanation I have heard yet, Fly.

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  10. Eno was not responsible for the Mac startup sound. He composed the startup sound for Windows 95, for which he received a flat fee of $35,000. By Windows 98 Microsoft had moved on to other sounds. I hope that sets your mind at rest.

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    1. Thanks very much, tomboon. I can now listen to it every morning without thinking of the above experiences. A flat fee, eh? I wouldn't have done it for any less.

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