Saturday 14 July 2012

My search for a simple car, and what I have to endure:

This is a genuine advert from someone who I really don't think I will be buying a second hand car from.  I have thought about giving him a call, just in case I can induce a heart-attack, but thought better of it.

The car itself is an old thing with high mileage, which I would not pay any more than scrap value for anyway, but calling him might have been worth a laugh.  Maybe one of you is after an old Volvo?

IF YOU HAVE LESS THAN 30 FEEDBACK DONT BID WITHOUT CALLING ME ON07936****** ANYTIME UP TO MIDNIGHT. DONT SAY WHAT IS BEST PRICE OR SIMILAR! ITS WORTH MORE IN BITS SO DONT BOTHER MAKING STUPID OFFERS, its worth more in scrap, we will even take your old wreck in part exchange no matter how bad it is. 

THAT MEANS DONT HIT THE STUPIDLY LOW BUY IT NOW! IT MEANS CALL ME!

CALL ME QUICK TO AVOID LOSING OUT TO A REAL BUYER THAT CALLS & VIEWS BECAUSE THE FIRST TO SEE THIS CAR AND DRIVE IT WILL BUY IT. THAT DOESNT MEAN TEXT OR EMAIL!
Priority is given to people that CALL AND VIEW, not emailers, texters. This is another example of common sense.
VOLVO 940 SE TURBO ESTATE
DO NOT CONFUSE THIS WITH THE FRONT WHEEL DRIVE PLASTIC VOLVOS, THEY ARE RUBBISH, THIS IS A REAL MANS VOLVO WITH A REAL VOLVO ENGINE
You dont find many cars like this one!
A NICE TIDY LOW MILEAGE VOLVO ESTATE THAT HASNT BEEN ABUSED WITH TOWBARS OR BY ANTIQUE DEALERS & IT WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH ITS MOT AT HAYNES INTERNATIONAL MOTOR MUSEUM
You will not find another like this easily!! I know which is why we travel so far for the right cars and why people travel from afar to buy sensibly priced cars from me!!

WE SELL LOTS OF CARS, THEY COME FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, THIS ONE CAME IN FROM 100 MILES AWAY & IT DRIVES WITHOUT FAULT, THE NEW OWNER WILL NOT BE DISSAPOINTED AT ALL AT THIS PRICE, WE WILL EVEN TAKE YOUR MOT FAILURE OR BROKEN CAR IN PART EXCHANGE .

2316cc engine with SUPER SMOOTH AUTOMATIC GEARBOX gearbox, its a very reasonable car to insure making it an ideal car for a family on a budget, JEREMY CLARKSON EVEN PROVED THAT THIS IS AN IDEAL CAR FOR YOUR TEENAGER TO LEARN TO DRIVE IN ON INSURANCE.
The MOT EXPIRES JULY, 11th, 2013 & IT HAS TAX UNTIL THE END OF SEPTEMBER, 2012 MAKING IT READY TO DRIVE AWAY. You will not find another like this at this price. I could actually break it for more money but I know theres someone out there that this will do a good turn for and I will even take their mot failure or broken car or van in part exchange but please be realistic on your cars value as the buy it now price on this is very realistic indeed.
There are a few marks commensurate with age and use, ( this is where a serious buyer will call for a walk & talk) THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS CAR IS THAT THE DRIVERS SEAT IS WORN, I DO HAVE ACCESS TO A WHOLE HALF LEATHER INTERIOR THAT WILL BE GIVEN TO THE NEW OWNER AT NO EXTRA COST IF THE BUY IT NOW PRICE IS ACHEIVED, ANYTHING LESS & I WILL SELL IT FOR THE £200 ITS WORTH, its all so insignificant at this price its not worth mentioning but it just saves me having to be rude to a tyrekickers face. The pictures dont do it justice as I took them before its even been cleaned. The mileage may increase as I do at least 40 miles a day just on the school run and we use all cars we have for sale on a daily basis which again proves how reliable they are as we wouldnt risk our Childrens lives would we? (common sense really). I am amazed at how economical this car is while still being very nippy.
You can call me anytime up to midnight on 
07936****** with any questions and I am 
also happy to take a part exchange even mot failures, vans , cars, dead or alive & even gas guzzlers.
Viewing is highly reccomended day or night with or without your mechanic (AA/RAC inspections welcome), your mate who may be a Fat balding idiot who claims to be a mechanic will be welcome to give his opinion but if I think he's a plank I may just use him for firewood. I am a fat balding idiot but at least I know what I am talking about.
Theres always a cup of tea/cold beer here for serious people that view, You are more than welcome to bring the whole family. My family and I will make you very welcome.
Naturally there are a few marks commensurate with age and use but they are so insignificant they do not affect the cars running or performance. Anyway a serious buyer will call me for a walk and talk while keyboard warriors will email, I am only saying this to cover myself incase someone finds a speck of dust where I haven't mentioned.
from experience a serious buyer will call, view and do what real people do which is speak to me, it just saves time, its instant rather than email or text which I may never receive and you will have to speak to me at some point so dont be shy, I dont bite unless you ask nicely.
Please no withheld calls and no timewasters!!
Stupid offers are a waste of your time and mine, I sell cars at sensible prices so if you want to miss out on any future deals go ahead, make a stupid offer because I will block you and never sell to you.The car is advertised elsewhere so I reserve the right to end the ad early
Delivery is possible but like anything you buy online only if its paid for in advance and it will be driven to you fully insured by a very trusted driver that collects and delivers them for me nationwide
THANKS FOR LOOKING HERE, TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT ELSE I HAVE FOR SALE, I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING THE NEW OWNER WHO IS USUALLY THE FIRST TO VIEW ANY CAR I HAVE FOR SALE.

12 comments:

  1. You have to admit that this fat, balding idiot is good entertainment value. Maybe I will call him after all....

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  2. I wonder if he can say anything in 25 words or fewer! I think you ought to show up in your Armani suit, Tom, and see what's what.

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  3. The only reason I know you didn't write this, Tom, is because there's no point.

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  4. I've read it. I'm tired now. I want that guy to give me some money for having read it. He can keep the car.

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  5. I'm exhausted. I think I'll stick with my compact Royce!

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  6. My God, he just goes on and on! And on and on! I can't believe I read it all. I think you definitely should give him a call Tom, if not a visit, just for sheer entertainment value. You could walk and talk!

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  7. Did you manage to read all that??

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  8. I've read it more than once - from sheer disbelief. I almost want to go and see the car, just to experience the man at first hand. I think he may be what is described as a 'colourful character' in his local community. I might take a nerd with me who pretends to know everything about Volvos, but is - in fact - a black-belt in karate.

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  9. I'll bet my bottom dollar he wears a neck brace and his wife suckles piglets.

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  10. If he's such a fine car salesman, this car would have been sold before he even advertised it. In the USA, we call this sort a raving lunatic. Got a great belly laugh from it, thank you for that.

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    1. Yes - we call the raving lunatics as well, Kelly.

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