Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Monday, 9 July 2012
Hands of a Stranger
I listened to an appeal from a specialist surgeon at Leeds General Hospital today, asking for people to donate their hands to others who had lost one or more through accident, and - after I had got the image of the film with the above title out of my head, the idea appealed to me. Here's the waiver:
First of all, let me apologise to all the other specialists at Leeds and everywhere else for not donating any of the other organs that might become available after you have read this, but - believe me - you and nobody else would want them anyway. Not the liver, not the kidneys, not the heart, not the lungs - but you may want my hands.
Of all the parts of my body, my hands are the the ones which - in the past - have brought me the most compliments, and they are also have been the things to have survived the most intact, despite - or because of - that they have been used and abused pretty much every day since I left school. I think they still have some life left in them, despite showing some signs of wear and tear, but that's for you to decide. My hair isn't bad either, but a bit too white for general use, I think.
I don't know if you can match the hands of a 60+ year old man to the arms of a youth, or even if the hands themselves keep an internal record of how long they should keep on keeping on, but it may be worth a try.
They are quite large, but not the largest you can get, so this should keep the options open a bit. Anyway, here are the pros and cons:
CONS: They have a few lumps in them, caused by continuously hitting stone for around 35 years, and the joints show early signs of arthritis by the swelling and bending in some strange directions.
The joints where they abut the wrists are not as thick as they ideally could be, so the new owner should beware of tendonitis caused by trauma or repetitive stress.
There is a small scar on the joint of the index finger of the left one, caused when foolishly splitting a dowel with a Bowie knife when aged about 12. Curiously, the area around the scar is unusually sensitive after all these years, but this may not translate when sewn onto the recipient's arm.
Both the left and right hand have shown an unerring tendency to seek out other parts of other humans - usually female - and must be strictly controlled.
PROS: Both hands are extremely strong, but have never been used to strangle anyone, unlike those of a friend of mine who has smaller ones which he used to kill someone with whilst serving in the military. You would not want to transplant his haunted eyes either.
They have served me quite well and dexterously, and I really think that they have a good many year's worth of service left in them.
The tendons and veins are well delineated, so the stitching up should be fairly straightforward... but what would I know?
All the nails are strong and undamaged - I have never bitten them in my life.