Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Sad story


I often think back and try to recall if I ever showed any signs of experiencing a mid-life crisis when I approached middle age, but I can honestly say I cannot think of any.

The obsession with glass and candlesticks can be put down to the onset of old age, I believe, and although I still find myself having inappropriate thoughts about girls who are young enough to be my daughter - or even grand daughter - I never act on them and only verbalise them when drunk.  That can probably be put down to a fear of rejection which has never left me since I was about 14, though, and not an innate sense of dignity.

In any case, I do not have the resources to maintain the sort of lifestyle that any of my young potential victims would like to lead, so in that respect, I am saved.  There's no fool like an old fool.

When I was about 40, I suddenly found myself hankering to learn how to play the drums because, I believed, I would be good at it.  I approached a professional drummer friend of mine (ok, so I've got a lot of friends, alright?) who is a sought-after session man and often tours with all the big names in rock, and I asked him if he would teach me.  Although he readily agreed, I had a rare moment of lucidity and suddenly perceived my drum-playing ambition as the first sign of an embarrassing condition related to my age, so I wisely backed out.  Drums are definitely not a solo instrument anyway, and I could not see H.I. tolerating me practicing in our compact but adorable city apartment, let alone any established band wanting me on stage with them, so I think I made the right choice.

I had (another) relatively filthy dream involving one of our barmaids last night, and I always wake up from them feeling slightly wistful and melancholy.

I once said to one of these beauties - having drunk a few beers - "If I was the only man left in the world, would you shag me?"


She stopped what she was doing and looked thoughtful for about 3 seconds before replying,  "No."


So I sighed and took another sip from my beer, then a short while later, I asked her,  "How much money would be the smallest amount you would want to shag me?"


This time, she paused for quite a lot longer and seemed to look through me as she assessed the sort of maximum realistic figure that I could possibly raise in cash within about a week, and replied,  "£15,000."


It was the relatively small amount she quoted which hurt me the most.  Any successful man of 60 should surely be able to raise more than that - and she knew it.




29 comments:

  1. Oh Tom - this is such a MAN thing - you poor sad thing. All those candlesticks, all that stone, your lovely apartment - and all you can dream about is sex??? Methinks you need to get out more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need to get in more, more like. Anyway, I occasionally dream about other things too, like catastrophic failure for instance.

      Delete
  2. a strangely similar post to my own today Tom, albeit from completely different angles!

    hey ho

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes - I've just read yours and left an appropriate comment (makes a change). We must be spiritually linked - although from completely different angles!

      Delete
  3. £15,000 sounds like a lot to me.

    What was she like Tom? I could probably raise about £5k so if you and Cro could find the rest between you...

    ...I'd want to go first.

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bugger that. I'm the oldest, I should go first!

      Delete
    2. Yeah, but you'd probably be quickest Cro, lol!

      Delete
    3. Chris - £5k? And you want to go first? And I thought that I lived in a dream-world.

      Listen, if you both send me £15,000, then I will see what I can do. That's BOTH of you sending a total of £30,000. Trust me.

      Yes, Cathy - they crack me up too.

      Delete
  4. You do like to beat yourself up don't you Tom?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you are to be congratulated! For still being interested...

    ReplyDelete
  6. At your age, you should be looking for Jesus (or Yahweh, Allah, Jimmy Dean,etc..)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm still looking, but they are proving hard to get. Maybe I should offer money. Shame Billy Graham is no longer with us.

      Delete
  7. Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings overtly, Tom, but knew you'd knew the £15,000 a low price.

    When i was quite young, several older men expressed an interest in me. What struck me most was that all of them were forthright about it, but very respectful, and that my 'no' would be a foregone conclusion. In one instance, i would have said 'yes', but he had resigned himself and left before i could have a chance to say otherwise.

    megan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I was young, several older men expressed interest in me too, Megan. Usually at Waterloo Station when I was waiting for a train.

      Delete
  8. I just don't care about candlesticks or barmaids.
    Today I got signed
    locked in
    contracted
    and signed for my first ever book.
    I'm bereft of words for that feeling when you get the call but, verbally, it goes something like this:
    "Fuck! Fuckity fucking fuck!"

    I think she was holding the phone out from her ear, poor dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's fucking GREAT news, Sarah - you of all of us deserve this. You MUST let me know when I can buy it. Are you feeling so happy that you would willingly have sex with me? I can get down there within 30 hours.

      Delete
    2. You may have left it a bit late Tom, coulda been a contender yesterday. But of course I'd insist on HI's permission first.

      Delete
    3. By the by, who is in your wedding photo? It's bizarre. Is it for real?

      Delete
    4. By 'yesterday', I suppose you mean 20 years ago? I can't imagine the photo is anything but staged - I got it from a search where I just typed in 'old man with young girl', and had to wade through about 200 pictures of sex-acts involving elderly men. This one was the most acceptable for a public blog.

      Delete
  9. Have you ever seen the movie, "Dumb and Dumber?" The Jim Carrey character asks the girl he's obsessed with what his chances are with her and she says not good. He says, you mean, not good like one out of a hundred? She says, I'd say more like one out of a million. He says, so you're telling me there's a chance. . . . Yeah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's just right, Amy. There is always a chance, but best to avoid slow moving cars and ropes.

      Some British comedian composed a Valentine's Day card last February, and it went like this:

      'Roses are red,
      Violets are blue,
      I've got a knife,
      get in the van.'

      Delete
    2. Har, har. May none of us females ever hear that line!

      Delete
  10. You are hilarious. I think most people can relate...there's nothing like the feeling that you still 'have it'...even when you don't!
    The barmaid at your pub must be a good sort to banter with you like that though. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do you mean, 'even when you don't'?! She's paid to sell me beer, that's all. Everyone has their price... don't they? I know I do.

      Delete
  11. When I was working in 'The City', I used to frequent a bar at lunchtime where the blousy barmaid received more offers between mid-day and one than I cared to count.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet she was a lousy bar maid as well. Most of them are good at selling drink, but not so good at pouring it. (I hope to God none of mine ever read this - I'll get the next one poured over my head.)

      Delete