Nothing to do with snakes

I've never been one for shoplifting, even when I was young, hungry and penniless. These days I am old, hungry and penniless, but I still don't help myself to other people's goods without paying for them.

I had a friend about 40 years ago who was a law-abiding young man in most other areas of life, but he was superb shop-lifter at the time. I have to say that these days he is an upstanding member of the community who - as far as I know - no longer steals.

His technique was stunningly simple. He would walk into the targeted shop wearing a large overcoat (overcoats were fashionable then, and did not attract the sort of attention they would now if worn by a young shopper), go straight up to the item/s of his choice and blatantly grab them, then stuff them under his coat and walk out.

Most shoplifters probably get caught because they spend too much time pretending that they are trying to make up their mind whilst actually looking around to see if anyone is watching, or - these days - looking out for a camera. Not him.

My friends and I saw a very rare facsimile medieval book in the window of a small shop in town, and because it cost a relative fortune, all we could do was lust after it as we walked past. It was so special that it was the only thing on display in the whole window. He wanted it, and he was going to have it.

He walked into the shop one day, leant over the little barrier into the bay window, picked it up and walked out. It was huge, by the way - about 20 inches by 15 by 3. The man on the till right beside it did not even notice.

He once threw a lavish party for about 20 people, and all the food and drink had been lifted from local shops in one day.

There was a pricey delicatessen in this town, and I had noticed some little jars of French black truffles on one of the shelves, which I casually mentioned to light-fingered Larry. Each jar contained about three truffles which sat in a small amount of brine to stop them drying out, and cost the equivalent of about half a day's wages.

We got to talking about truffles, and whether or not we should get some because neither of us had ever tried them before. He came up with a plan which - I am ashamed to say - I went along with by becoming his accomplice in the theft.

The shop's counter was in front of the window and all the shelves with the expensive stuff on them were in full view of the woman on the till, so I had to go in second and point to a cake in the window to distract her whilst Larry took a jar of truffles off the shelf.

He went in the shop, and I followed when I saw he was roughly in position. I walked over to the counter and casually ask the woman how much 'that' piece of cake in the window was. There were about ten different types of cake, so she asked me to be more specific.

In the corner of my eye, I could see him put a jar of truffles into his coat, but - to my horror - I then saw that he was putting all the jars into his coat, one by one. I waived my finger in the area of about three different types of cake, willing Larry to stop his blatant and frenetic snatching of truffles, but he just carried on.

The woman started to become impatient and asked me which one precisely had caught my attention, so I had to pin-point one type. She told me the price and turned around just as Larry had put the last jar into his coat. I thanked her for the information and legged it out of the shop.

Later, back at Larry's flat, we opened a jar of truffles and - having no idea of how to use them -put a whole one into our mouths, chewing thoughtfully.

We both agreed that they had an interesting taste, then ate another. Maybe it was the joint we had just smoked, but we found them to be somewhat more-ish, so we ate the lot in the space of about 10 minutes.

I wonder if this many black truffles had ever been consumed in this crude way before or since. We ended up lying on the carpet, actually feeling stuffed.

Like I say, I am not proud of it, but it was quite an experience.