Tuesday 26 April 2011

The w***ing whose name must not be mentioned


I'm going to attempt to go off and do a little work today, in the middle of a series of seemingly endless Bank Holidays. 'Work' will consist of turning up to a stone yard and trying to persuade some miserable stonemasons to cut the Portland Roach that I bought the other day into shape for me, so I can imbue it with added value. That is harder work than working, believe me.

H.I. also returns to start teaching today, but will not be teaching this friday because... now let me see, something's happening and I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. Something to do with a wedding... oh yes, I've remembered now. Every succeeding friday's teaching for her will be a little longer than normal for quite a while, in order to make up for the student's lost time for this one, and as they have already paid for it, H.I. is contractually obliged to make up the hours. Thousands - if not millions - of people's working lives are about to be disrupted across the country, because the happy couple have decided to get spliced on a friday, and not the traditional saturday which allowed working commoner's relations to attend the ceremonies in former times.

Rumour has it that David Cameron has made a rare trip up ('oop') North - before August 12th - in order to issue a proclamation that it is every subject's duty to celebrate the wedding in whatever manner is traditional in those regions; whether it be clog-dancing, 'stripping-the-willow', the public flogging of virgins, throwing cheeses down a steep ravine and breaking of one's legs by chasing them, granting Royal Pardons to condemned felons, or even the drinking of mead, ale or cider in places where it is normally outlawed on pain of the stocks - just so long as they make a jolly good show of looking like they are enjoying themselves.

Sales of Union Jack bunting have outstripped demand, and even the Royal Family of Bahrain have had the good grace to bow out of an invitation which was issued to them due to a clerical error committed by a junior member of the Royal Household. Entering into the spirit of the occasion, the normally taciturn factions of Northern Ireland are debating whether or not to lift a fatwa against a heinous war-crimes criminal on their 'most wanted' list, to mark the special day.

In an attempt to lift the spirits of the Nation and out-do a previous fairy-tale wedding (which turned out to be a bit of a depressing let-down), the bride will arrive at Westminster Abbey in a Nissan Micra as a commoner, and leave in a six horse-power, gilded carriage as a Princess.

There will be banquets and garden parties, followed by magnificent firework displays culminating - on the stroke of midnight - in a blood-stained sheet being hung out of one of the upper windows on the front of Buckingham Palace, where it will be dangled for precisely 32 seconds before being taken down to the laundry room in the basement, where the red liquid (bought from a joke-shop in Tottenham Court Road), will be washed off until the next time, in about 25 years.

At two minutes past midnight, the floodlights will be turned off, plunging the palace into darkness and depriving most of the former Colonies of real-time photo opportunities, thereby punishing the republicans for their disloyalty and treachery even as they sleep, and it serves them right, I say. At ten minutes past midnight, 7000 riot police will clear the streets of revelers with water-cannon, so that life may continue for the rest of us mortals the following morning.

I myself will have 3 rather than the normal 2 beers in the pub on friday - I can't wait!!!!



16 comments:

  1. Couldn't they use 'Royal' Kensington Gore? (from same joke shop)

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  2. That's the second crap (and old) joke you have made in as many posts, Cro - you must be getting hysterical with excitement.

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  3. Hello Tom:

    Well, what a 'to do' it all is! We planned [sensibly, we thought at the time] to be abroad for the entire holiday period of around six weeks in our reckoning and, of course, including the Day of Nuptials. However, even Hungary has succumbed to wedding fervour with nightly television bulletins [according to our housekeeper], middle page and front page spreads in magazines and newspapers and tacky memorabilia in shops. There is, we fear, no escape!

    But, joy of joys, today our anarchist Wills and Kate mug arrived as a present from the UK. Your delightful post has inspired us to do something radical with it!!

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  4. Do post a photo of your anarchist mug - I'd love to see it. As chance would have it, I was out of the country for the deaths of both HRH The Queen Mother (Gawd rest 'er) AND Sir Lawrence Olivier.

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  5. Will you turn on the Telly on Friday Tom, just to get a peek of her dress?

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  6. Well I think you're a miserable bugger Mr Stephenson. I bet you're a right bah humbug at Christmas too! (Very funny though!) xxx

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  7. I admit it, I'll probably get up early to watch. And then I'll be grouchy all day from lack of sleep.

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  8. I'll pay five bucks to anyone who catches Tom watching any part of the wedding on TV. He mocks the whole thing when in fact he has been speculating about Kate's wedding dress all along.

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  9. I watched the entire funeral of Princess Diana on a hand-held, 2 inch screen TV - that was the last TV I ever watched.

    Grouchy is grouchy all day through lack of sleep, but that's usually during Wimbledon or the US Open, Amy.

    If you see my past posts, Tracey, you will see that I have a hoot at Christmas, and I have spent more time slagging off Oliver Cromwell than all of you put together. So there.

    I have been expectorating about Kate's wedding dress all along, Iris.

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  10. do i detect a trace of cynicism here Tom?

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  11. Only with their manipulators, Weaver, not with them. I am a monarchist who would gladly see 50% of the power taken away from grasping and self-serving politicians, and given back to the ones who never asked for it in the first place.

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  12. Yes,....I've been getting my rest and have been very pleasant to be around. (or, it is because of a new pill I've been taking)

    The French Open is next! That will be the test!!

    I do plan to watch the wedding. It starts at 4am here. I'm usually up at that time.

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  13. They have been practicing by sending out 100s of armed troops on the streets which form the route yesterday. Normally when the Royals travel around by car, they are driven at huge speed - I've almost been run over by them in the past - but they will have to creep along waving at every one and trying not to look as though they are expecting a bullet.

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  14. The traditional manner to celebrate in our area 'oop north' on these occasions is to stone to death the first available tory politician foolhardy enough to show one of his faces. What a stroke of luck...

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  15. While your about it Chris, why don't you stone to death the Lib Dem, BNP and New Labour ones at the same time?

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