Royal Wedding - exclusive live coverage!

My German dentist friend has just sent me the above photo, along with his wishes that I enjoy the weekend and the Royal Wedding which has brought it forward by 24 hours and is taking place as I write. I haven't yet worked out the relevance of the image in his Teutonic mind, but I hate to see things go to waste, so I am using it as a header to this post. I have heard of nightclubs where women entertain guests by blowing out ping-pong balls, and up until now have never understood the attraction, but thanks to this picture, all is now clear.

As I mentioned in a comment on the previous post, BBC's Radio 4 has live coverage of the wedding for a full three hours this morning, and the main commentator is James Naughtie - the Scottish presenter famous for making the "Jeremy Hunt the Culture Secretary" gaff a month or two ago. Within the first five minutes, he managed to describe the blue sash that Prince William (soon to be The Duke of Cambridge, btw) as a 'slash' which is British slang for urinating.

Shortly afterwards, one of the female commentators described Camilla Parker-Bowles's dress as a delicate 'ivory' colour, then - having obviously been advised that it would be unacceptably bad protocol for the step-mother of the groom to wear anything which could vaguely be described as a shade of white - admitted to being colour-blind and corrected her description of it as an extremely pallid and delicate shade of 'green'. I'll wait for the pictures before I make my own mind up, if they are not subject to a super-injunction.

Shortly after this, a male Royal Correspondent said, "Nobody but Her Majesty the Queen could get away with wearing canary yellow like that", or words to that effect.

The Prince himself is wearing the uniform of an officer of the Irish Guards, which - as well as being particularly striking with its tunic of red and gold braid all over the place - diplomatically settles a worrying dispute between the RAF and the Royal Navy as to which flag flies over Buck House on the great day. The Queen, being an old hand at settling these issues, made her eldest grandson an officer of the Irish Guards way back in February - wise old bird, if I may say so, Ma'am!

Miss Middleton (soon to be the Duchess of Cambridge, in case you hadn't worked that out) is wearing a dress designed by the woman who was chief assistant to Alexander McQueen - he who sadly committed suicide early this year - and is a delicate shade of ivory, like Camilla's (soon to be her step-mother, in case you hadn't worked that out) is not.

Right, I'm going to have to lower my voice now for two reasons - 1, the service has started and 2, the subject which I am about to broach is of a highly delicate nature. It is not done to discuss money at court.

Mr Middleton (the soon-to-be Duchess of Cambridge's father, in case you had forgotten - keep up) is a very wealthy, self-made man from 'common' stock, so you can imagine how absolutely delighted he was that his daughter was about to marry into Royalty and become the wife of the 3rd in line to the Throne of England, etc. In his own parlance, he was 'over the moon'.

What they didn't tell him was that - sticklers for tradition that they are - he would, as father of the bride, be footing the bill for the ceremony and celebrations, which include taking over the entire Capital for 24 hours, employing a large army to oversee the proceedings on horseback and rooftop, paying the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Bishop of London (and they don't come cheap) plus the 150 piece choir, etc. - all followed by a ten-course banquet for 2000 guests. You should have seen the look on his face when they gave him the bill!

As I write, they have now been joined together as man and wife, and a ring made from a band of Welsh gold has been placed upon the finger. The choir is now singing 'Jerusalem', which was designed specifically to remind us that we are British, whether or not His feet did actually squash the daisies in ancient times.

Anyway, I'm going to slip out of a side door and take up position by the west front, so that I can get a good view of the exit. I'll keep you informed about the rest of the day later tonight - if I don't get toO drunk!