Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Friday, 19 August 2016
My name is David
The Indians at the call-centre who stole all my personal details from Talk Talk are beginning to get bored with me now. I just answered the landline, and after the 3 second pause which is the time it takes for their computer to randomly select its next victim, a man sang me a plaintive little song in his native language in a very feeble voice. That's it. No dire warnings of catastrophic faults with my computer which can only be fixed for a fee of £150. Just a half-hearted rendition of an Indian folk song. I almost thanked him for it.
My best conversation with one of these incompetent criminals went as follows:
"Hello. My name is David and I am calling you from Talk Talk. Am I speaking to Mrs Stephenson?"
"That is very good, Mrs Stephenson. I am calling to tell you that you have a problem with your Microsoft computer which is showing up on my system. Are you aware of it?"
"No, I am not. In fact, I am not even aware of having a Microsoft computer."
"No matter, you have a problem which is very bad and will affect all of your files very soon."
"Listen, I know you don't work for Talk Talk, and I know you are only trying to make a bit of money over there in India, David, but I don't want to be rude to you so why don't you just go away and don't call me again?"
"No no Mrs Stephenson. I DO work for Talk Talk and you DO have a very bad problem which can only be fixed by me!"
"Ok, I will tell you what is supposed to happen next. You tell me to put down my receiver and then try to make a call out, which I will not be able to do because you are still on the line, and then you will get me to type out a certain code on my machine which will produce a number which you will tell me what it is, just to prove that you are a Talk Talk technician. Am I right?"
"No no, Mrs Stephenson. I am from Talk Talk!"
"No you are not."
"Yes I am!"
"Ok, I have wasted enough time trying to be polite to you. Fuck off."
"No - YOU fuck off! Go on - Fuck off! Fuck off!"
At this point I terminated the conversation. This is really what happened, and I still laugh about it now.