Friday 19 December 2014

Trapped in a man's body

There has been a lot of stuff about trans-gender on the airwaves this week, culminating in a program about an NHS unit set up specifically to help people who feel as though they are trapped in the wrong body.

Like most people, I find it difficult to get my head round the subject, although I do understand that it has nothing to do with homosexuality or even transvestism, but I suppose the clue is in the name.

Quite often men who know they should have been born women are extremely butch to start off with (one of the people on the radio was six foot four), so that cannot help their state of mind in society. I have a friend who was a very man's man outwardly, but one day he turned up to the pub in a sleeveless Summer frock with his biceps still bulging away and his full beard still untouched on his face.

I had heard from his wife that he had suddenly - or maybe gradually - decided to outwardly take on the persona of his inner self, so I had been forewarned as to what to expect when someone told me, 'Johnny's in the garden,' but I was still a little nervous about involuntarily laughing, or generally showing a complete lack of understanding or respect. As it turned out, we had a perfectly ordinary conversation under the shadow of the enormous elephant in the room.

"How have you been keeping?" I eventually asked him.

"Oh fine," he said, "But it's been a bit of a roller-coaster over the last few months."

"I'm not surprised!" This was the only time I actually laughed.

In the 1970s, I spent a lot of time with Henry Morris, the son of Jan Morris, the well-known travel writer who famously underwent a trans-gender program chronicled in her book, 'Conundrum'.

I went into a cafe with Henry one day, and he took me over to introduce me to a well-dressed, middle-aged woman who he referred to as his father. She was very nice and polite, and we had a bit of a chat over tea. At the time, Jan lived in Bath and was a familiar figure in the social scene, at a time when Bath was probably at its most trendy.

Henry had already told me some of the more sensitive details as to how the news was broken to him that his father was now a woman, and this amounted to one simple fact of omission - the news was never broken to him.

As  a very young child, he had gone downstairs for breakfast one morning to find his mother sitting at the table with another woman of the same sort of age, and it took him quite a long time to realise that this person was his father. Not a word was said about it, and he was left to his own devices to work it all out on his own.

This would have been a lot to ask of an adult, let alone a child, and - needless to say - he was still trying to work it out when I knew him.

Most other people get some sort of warning it seems, but I think in that household they must have had the notion that children are much more understanding than adults. This may well be true, but I think you should at least pay them the respect of actually talking to them about things.

21 comments:

  1. Good lord. What a story. If the father had suddenly decided to dress as an enormous water spaniel I'll bet the mother would have thought it appropriate to offer an explanation. Children are much brighter and catch a lot more than we give them credit for, but that child deserved more than just a 'business as usual.'
    What an interesting and thoughtful post.

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    1. My father used to dress as a water spaniel, and we didn't even notice.

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  2. My boyhood friend Richard KNEW that he had been born in the wrong body. Even at 7 or 8 years old he was insistent that he wanted to become a girl. I've always wondered if his wish came true. He was also very tall.

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    1. Yes, I remember you mentioning him before. People do know, I think.

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  3. I've worked alongside a transgender male to female
    She was accepted by the male staff but had problems with many of the female staff
    Go figure

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    1. She did ( in her own words) look like a " pig in a wig"

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    2. That sounds a bit harsh, even coming from her.

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  4. I have often wondered about the effect on children of people who change their gender when their kids are old enough to know what is going on. It wouldn't occur to me that it literally wouldn't be mentioned. Mind you, that is the way people used to handle all kinds of things, and I suppose kids were used to it. Having said that, I do think that changing sex is something that should be mentioned to one's children, however lacking in touchy-feeliness the family usually is!

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    1. Well, I suppose it's a rare thing, and there is probably no such thing as the perfect parents.

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  5. As I have a close relation who is trans gender Tom and who is still quite young (early twenties) I was pleased to read such a caring and understanding contribution. I do also know a few folk round here who fall into the same category - and of course there is Grayson Perry.
    Those of us who are sure of our sexuality should give thought to the way we approach people - life is hard enough without peoples' ridicule. So thanks for this slant on the whole thing.

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    1. I have this sneaky feeling that it is a smart business move on Grayson Perry's part, but I did very much warm to him after last year's Reith Lectures. Who knows?

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    2. Grayson Perry is a transvestite rather than transgender, that is he likes wearing dresses from time to time, esp if he is appearing on telly.

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  6. I too have a formerly male friend who waited until fifty to finally make the change (though not surgically and after a marriage of 30 years). Six foot four and thin as a whip and British I might add, Rob became Robbie last year and is happy. Imagine our surprise when we went to an outdoor concert and Robbie (we have trouble remembering to call her by her new name) strode to the stage in a long satin gown, full makeup and long wig and proceeded to play a beautiful violin concerto. We never knew he played violin nor his inclinations. He has gotten much support from his friends and acquaintances. Really is the nicest person around. I hope he has an easy road ahead.

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    1. That sounds like the old Spike Milligan joke:

      "Will I be able to play the violin when I get my arm out of this plaster, Doctor?"

      "Yes of course you will."

      "That's amazing. I never could before."

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  7. Jan Morris wrote the best ever book on Venice. I have a copy by James Morris and a copy by Jan Morris. Brilliant book.

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    1. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I have never read either a Jan or a James Morris book. I will look out for the Venice guide.

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    2. It isn't like an ordinary guide, no pictures.

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  8. We have a neighbour who has almost - but not quite - changed gender from male to female. He is taken quite for granted by all, from the oldest to the youngest, the most crusty right-wing to the most ardent left-wing commie: the only criticism is his choice of an orange wig this last rather long and hot summer.

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    1. The trouble with the NHS service for trans-gender people is that they have no stylists on the payroll.

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  9. I recall seeing a British documentary about women wishing to become men, and a couple who both wanted this - one refused to let the medics examine her at all and so was denied treatment, but the other went ahead. In the end, the former left the latter as she was only into women. We could all see that one coming from a long way off.

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