Purveyor of Bollocks to the Crowned Heads of Europe
Thursday, 11 August 2016
"Hello. Welcome to the Ostrich Bay Hotel. Do you have a booking?"
"Yes, myself and my good lady wife have travelled all the way from England to stay here, and here is our booking reference as kindly sent to us by your reception staff."
"Well, I am the restaurant manager, but I am seeing to bookings tonight because we are a little short staffed on reception".
"Ah. I see. I trust that our room is well-appointed and overlooking the sea?"
"Oh yes, I can assure you of that, Mr Stephenson. Here is your key."
"Thank you. That all seems to be in order."
"Will you and your good lady wife be requiring breakfast?"
"Yes, we have already paid for half a breakfast each on booking. I hope that the rest of our breakfasts' will be supplied on credit, which we will settle upon leaving, two days from this date."
"Yes, of course Sir. Will there be anything else I can do for you this evening?"
"Yes. If you would be so kind and if you are able, I would like you to rid me of the extreme prejudice I hold against all Welsh people."
"Ah, I see Sir. Well, I am - as I have already mentioned - not trained as a receptionist, but I will do my very best if you could explain the nature of your prejudice."
"Well, they way I see it is this: For hundreds of years, the Welsh have been exposing their bare backsides to us across wider and wider stretches of water, beginning with the narrower sections of the Severn Estuary and the Marches, taking care that their arses were well out of bow-shot.
The advent of muskets required a wider stretch of water to keep safe as the mouth of the river stretches further out to sea, and the development of sniper's rifles has all but put a stop to this obscene practice, but has left a lasting resentment in both the fine English Yeomen who populate the Southern banks of the shores, and the sheep farmers who are wont to burn down the cottages which us Englishmen buy up for use for about two weeks of the year by our friends and extended families.
It is an insult to ordinary British soldiers and civilians, and I will not tolerate it."
"Will you be taking tea or coffee with your breakfastses Sir?"