Friday 3 March 2017

We are paid to wear belt and braces


Just a quick note: Anyone out there (in the UK) familiar with the mockumentary, 'This Country'? It is brilliantly funny, especially if you live as close to the Cotswolds as I do. BBC3. Have a look.

Despite the cold, windy, rainy weather, I feel very content and optimistic today. Even waking up with the headache I have had for a week is reassuring. It is an affirmation that - although I may, indeed, drink too much - the week-long hangover maybe exacerbated by the wine, but is simply yet another symptom of the sinus-related problems created by the 4-month head-cold. Careful adjustment of dosage and the collation of data obtained thereby has scientifically proved this. Well. at least in my head anyway.

One of the reasons I feel optimistic is that my main man has commissioned me to design two features for translation into stone, and this time I have managed to by-pass the 15 or so managers that usually form a series of obstacles between concept and execution, thereby saving about three months of heartache and two solid weeks of fruitless discussion in meetings. He wants it - he will have it.

About two years ago, the existing objects were lying on a floor awaiting their outcome as decided by the subsequent endless meetings, and I pointed out that there were two missing. The originals are part of a series of four (being Spring and Summer motifs for the Four Seasons... derr...), and that sooner or later, the other two would be asked for.

These stone objects are huge. About five feet across and around twelve inches thick, they must weigh about half a ton each. The client wanted them mounted fifteen feet up on a wall, beneath which guests would sit around eating, or maybe dancing after the banquets.

So everyone sprang into action to decide the best way of getting them up there without killing themselves or - worse - killing the guests next Christmas if there was any chance whatsoever of them crashing down during the festivities. I have seen large stone things fall from their fixings, and believe me, it is shocking. There is no warning at all. One second they are up there, the next they are not.

The stainless steel mounting plates they have used are real belt and braces procedure, as they have to be. The trouble is that they increase the overall weight by about 50 percent, which has its own problems. The consideration has now shifted to the strength of the wall, which was built without prior knowledge of what was going to be asked of it.

Anyway, they are up safe and sound, and look so good that the client wants the other two.

If my voice was a little louder, I could have asked them to allow for the predictable request for two more, then I could have taken photos and measurements without having to climb 15 feet up on a ladder to do so - not that they will let me use a ladder. They will have to build a scaffold. Oh well, it is all work.

Homework: The power of bulldogs versus the power of social media. Discuss.

30 comments:

  1. ' This Country ' is so funny !!!! I love mockumentries !!
    Sounds like the money is rolling in for you Tom .... dinner for your blogging buddies on you ?!!! XXXX

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    1. Hardly. I heard an interview with the two main characters, who are brother and sister in real life. She went to RADA but got no auditions so went back to the Cirencester area to do what she knows best. In the interview, she said that the character 'Slugs' asked who he was based on, and she said him! They used to avoid him in real life when they were younger!

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. It's quite common to find large lumps of masonry on the pavements around here. The culprits are usually protruding stone balconies, which look nice but aren't too safe after 400 years or so.

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    1. Everytime I see a bit of masonry on the pavement which has been brought down by a frost thaw here, I look up in dread to make sure I didn't fix it 30 years ago...

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  4. Hope they aren't fracking in the area.

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    1. So far, no. The biggest threat to farcking with 30 miles of Bath is the possibility of cutting off the thermal springs which feed the Roman Baths and have been for 1000s of years. I wonder how the tourist industry would be affected if they were to dry up.

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  5. It seems both are jobs require the shifting of large objects. Except, I should be retired. Carry on.

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    1. Even well before anyone reaches retirement age, there are weights above which you are not expected to physically lift yourself. So I carry on.

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  6. All well blaming a persistent headache on the drink but beware, it can be, as The Farmer has found out, something else.

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    1. Did you think that this has not occurred to me before? Do you think that I am a complete fucking idiot? Do you think that I was born yesterday? Do you think that you are wise for pointing out this blindingly obviously possibility?

      This is me being polite to you Derek. Don't let me get any more blunt.

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    2. Dear Tom your reply to Derek is exactly what I should have said to my daughter this morning as she inspected her recycling bin and found that MrEM and I had apparently drunk two whole bottles of wine last night while on duty babysitting. That we had breezed through making the kids' supper, baths and bedtime stories in record time without their usual tantrums counted for nought. We are obviously enjoying ourselves far too much on our long holiday with them Down Under. Ah well, "No worries ".

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    3. I think my reply to Derek was a bit on the rude side, but for some reason it pissed me off last night. Sorry Derek, but I don't take being pointed out the obvious very well, as you can see.

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  7. My comments were genuine Tom and not meant as ridicule but you can be as blunt as you like, as an ex-docker who spent many years talking just as you have and being spoken back to in the same manner, you'll find me equally as direct, I do love a scrap. As for your chum John's comment about bulldogs, you'll find that these days bulldogs are well known for being inter-bred, overweight and very short of breath and no match for a terrier, snapping at them. Find yourself a better dog to be linked with if you want to scrap. I rather suspect a third person's presence in the motives for the comments from the two of you.

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    1. No, you suspect wrongly. I do not take on other people's scraps. As I say above, I don't take being pointed out the obvious very well either.

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  8. " I do love a scrap"

    An interesting and revealing comment Derek. I suspect you quite enjoy throwing a grenade into a conversation.

    Regarding your comment about bulldogs...you are correct only in the fact that they are unfortunately interbred .
    As fighters they ARE formidable...not with biting ability or agility ( they can be very quick btw) but with steely power and bulk they cannot be matched

    You attribute too much into a simple comment which probably says more about you than us. If you are alluding to Rachel, who clearly
    1 does not like you
    2 does not want you to comment on her blog

    She has made it very clear to you directly to leave her alone.

    Why on earth do you interact with someone who wants no contact with you.

    Stop being a trouble maker. As a former docker you should know, someone bigger and harder is always around the corner

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    1. You're always on the lookout for someone bigger and harder, eh John?

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  9. I agree, there is and was no need for any of this John, as for "grenades in conversation", well I was only throwing the grenade back. Perhaps you might also reflect on Tom's over the top reply to my harmless comment about his headaches. It's tone was always going to get the reaction that it did from me when a simple "thanks Derek, I had thought about that" would of been enough.

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    1. Its part of who he is. I suggest if you dont like it..dont comment!

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    2. Funnily enough, I had thought about getting up in the night and changing it to, "Thanks Derek, I had thought about that" but couldn't be arsed. I tend to go over the top with reactions to inane comments. It's a fault of mine, exacerbated by the same alcohol which exacerbates the headaches.

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    3. Well hopefully we can now continue in the same friendly vein that we were Tom and I'll do my best not to make inane comments.

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    4. Much appreciated. I make more than enough to go around.

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  10. Well, as I said above, I don't have a problem with him being like that, just expect me to respond in a similar tone, without you giving me lectures on how he's OK but I'm not. For what it's worth I find his postings both well written and interesting. Now let's get back to a sensible place and enjoy the day.

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    1. John could well be right, but I am not the one to judge. Anyway, he loves a good bitch-fight.

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  11. I'm glad to hear you have this commission, Tom. Wish we could see the fruits of your labour... About the headaches -- may they soon be a thing of the past. I had the same problem earlier in the year -- it disappeared when the headcold/sinus infection cleared...

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    1. Yes, all my mates with the same cold say the same thing. Booze does not help, but is not the prime cause - neither is an imminent stroke.

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  12. Heron giggles when all you girlies fall out .
    Seriously do kiss and make up xxx

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    1. I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humour Heron. Especially as you are pretty good at making others lose theirs.

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