Sunday 5 March 2017

Learning to love innept Nigerian criminals


I opened my semi-defunct email account just now, and was rewarded with a good laugh.

I have received a very lengthy email from a Nigerian chap, advising me that the Arab Bank of Nigeria is holding $10 million U.S. for me which can only be released by paying the paltry sum of $85, after which a man called Jackson Henry will issue me with an ATM card with which I can withdraw the $10,000,000 from any ATM machine in the world. I have to be quick though, because the bank isn't going to hang onto the money for very long.

I can foresee that the next few years are going to be spent travelling the world trying to find enough ATM machines to milk dry before the bank does something else with the money. Other people who have benefited from this unknown benefactor's generosity include a woman called, Linda Knickerbocker. I would copy the email here, but it is about 3 pages long and very repetetive.

I heard a Nigerian woman talk about her beloved Lagos recently, and she said how all the rogues and scallywags are adored by the rest of the non-criminal population, mainly because they are larger than life characters who are always laughing. On the rare occasions that someone falls for an unbelievable scam, they celebrate by going around their neighbourhoods like African Robin Hoods, spreading their new-found wealth downwards by buying things for their friends and neighbours.

Apparently their attitude toward money is very similar to my own, in that if they have it they have it, and they show little respect for it by blowing it all in one spree. Like me, they do not seem to make any serious fiscal plans, but live in the moment.

I genuinely believe that this latest email was sent to me purely in order to make me laugh, and for that I am very grateful to the jolly Nigerians. Thank you. You have made my day.

17 comments:

  1. An ATM machine holding $10,000,000 would need to be the size of Yorkshire.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think Yorkshire has that much money in the whole county, unless it is under their beds.

      Delete
  2. I remember a documentary years ago, when Nigerian scalawags discovered the internet. It was about two people here who were bilked of their money. One a woman, for a lover who never appeared, and one a man whose house was filled with boxes he was to send to customers. I don't recall the gist of that scam. When the documentarians confronted the scammers, they eventually came clean. I also don't recall how they were using their "earnings." I suppose the point of the exercise was to show us how to keep clear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People here are continuously duped by online 'lovers'. Love is blind.

      Delete
  3. I remember before the internet when little brown envelopes used arrive from Nigeria, typed on old manual typewriters when we had long since had electric ones, giving details of the best investment in Nigeria and 'your chance to invest now' if you send money to such and such an account number in Lagos. I used to collect the stamps off them: the envelopes were not franked. I don't think we used the word scam in those days. But the letters went in the fire.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last year, H.I. received an email via her website purporting to be from an American man who worked on off-shore oilrigs and wanted a painting as a surprise birthday present for his wife in Texas.

      He asked for pictures of some to choose from which were available, and I went to a lot of trouble sending them to him. He chose one at around £3000. He disappeared as soon as I said that the best way of paying would be by Paypal.

      A couple of weeks ago, we got an email from a man in America saying he wanted a painting as a surprise birthday present for his wife. I said that the best thing to do would be to send pictures via overland mail and asked for his full postal address. He hasn't got back...

      Delete
  4. You mean you actually read the emails?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, it is safe enough so long as you don't click on any of the links.

      Delete
  5. As a senior citizen with a land line phone, I receive some very amusing calls, usually but not always spoken with a foreign accent, offering wondrous opportunities. Sometimes I hang up immediately, but sometimes just listen a while to hear the telling of the tale.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My last scam call from an Indian woman:

      "Hello. I am calling from the technical department regarding a fault on your computer."

      "No you are not. You are a criminal."

      "No. YOU are a criminal. Go away."

      Delete
  6. $10 million for the measly cost of $85? And you didn't take it? Oh, Tom, just think of what we could've done with all that money.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, perhaps you are right. I could use it right now. Maybe I will pay after all.

      Delete
  7. The nastiest internet scam I've seen to date was a tax return offer that came for Lady Magnon just before Christmas about two years ago. It all looked so genuine, then asked for bank details so that she could receive the £300 owed to her. I wonder how many people fell for it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have had several of those. The thing is they were addressed to Tom Stephenson and not my real name...

      Delete
  8. My darling Dad fell for it in the 80's, buying shares in a gold mine. Believe it or not. My parents were off on a big holiday and we were told to keep an eye out for his gold arriving by courier. He was such a putz. Loved him to pieces, but I did not get my cynical streak from him!

    ReplyDelete