Friday 24 February 2017

Spending more time with your family

"There's no smoke without fire," was the response to my denial about some lies put around about me a few months ago, and her saying this made me realise that I had been deluded about my pub friendships and what they really meant.

It is a sort of set-back to understand that these sort of relationships are almost always founded on the basis of 'you tolerate me, and I'll tolerate you' deals.

One of my oldest pub friends recently reacted badly to a somewhat lewd and jokey photo that I passed on from another London friend via text message. It is the sort of vintage photo of a semi-naked woman that would only raise one eyebrow of the average Google Blogger, so I was somewhat surprised that he reacted so badly to it, especially as I had - that very evening - been forced to listen to him speculating about what a young lesbian couple seated nearby might do to each other when they went home.

He sent me a series of outraged messages culminating in the sentence, ' I don't want this sort of thing - especially from you - Yuk', with an emoji of a pile of shit with a face on it. It was then that I got a glimpse of the way I am truly viewed and talked about when I am not around. There is, apparently, no smoke without fire.

I have never had any illusions about friendships formed exclusively in an environment which sells alcohol, and I know that most of my true friends are only ever seen about once a year. The thing is that I really don't want to go straight home after work and begin cooking before going to bed and doing the whole thing all over again the next day - I need a diversion - some harmless and trivial chat with a few like people over one or two pints of beer, trying to avoid the true alcoholics who always frequent pubs.

So I have spent the last week going into some of the other many bars and pubs that Bath has, sitting on my own and keeping myself to myself. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but I am so fed up with the confrontational issues which would crop up if I - once again - fought my corner and refuted the whispered lies and accusations all over again. It isn't as if they are anything serious. If they were, then I would sort it out once and for all.

The night before last, I went into All Bar One and found myself sitting close to a party of about eight off-duty taxi-drivers, whose rank is over the road by the Abbey.

You know how awful it is to be trapped in a cab, listening to the neo-fascist rants of a white, shaven-headed cabbie? Well multiply that by eight and you will understand that this was hardly the relaxing after work drink I had planned.


23 comments:

  1. That makes me sad. I hope you find a place that fits. I'm an introvert and as my husband says, asocial, so I wouldn't enjoy that scene whatsoever. Yet, it isn't much to ask to be able to enjoy yourself in the evening with a modicum of camaraderie and interesting conversation.

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    1. I may have enjoyed myself too much in the past.

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  2. I would find Oldest Pub Friend--in The Bell--and slap him on the shoulder and say "What the Hell? So, how was your day." There's smoke without fire. At least, there's dense fog.

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  3. Can't understand why you allowing some pratt without a sense of humour to force you out of the pub you enjoy. Me, I would of quite simply asked what his problem was, especially as he was quite happy to speculate on what two lesbians might do to each other when they got home. Have it out with him, agree some boundaries and get on again with your beer time chats, but don't be chased away.

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    1. He is too mad to have it out with, even though I have done that in the past. Anyway, I went into that place too much, and probably will again in the future.

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  4. Oh Tom ..... that's horrible ..... you have been going to The Bell for a long time and have a stake in it. I think that I have learnt that, when people behave like that, they are often jealous and have issues in their own lives. I also find it strange that people behave like that when they are older and should know better. Keep your pecker up .... we all love you. ❤️♥️❤️♥️ XXXX

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    1. Whenever alcohol is involved, it increases the chances of this sort of thing greatly.

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  5. ALL BAR ONE was one of my watering holes in Sheffield....
    This was a sad post tom

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    1. I have been having stomach cramps all night and today. It's funny how emotional stuff always goes to the stomach. All Bar One is not a bad chain, but bloody expensive.

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    2. Almost five guineas for a pint of crap lager!

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    3. Suddenly felt better and went to All Bar One for one different beer. It was exactly five guineas.

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  6. The funny thing is that I believe that I have spent the last 15 years or so putting up with his mad rants! Or that's the way I see it anyway.

    This all stems from the stupid (but dangerous) situation I told you about months ago, when a deranged giant bully threatened to kick my head in if I so much as looked at his new girlfriend who is 20 years younger than him and 40 years younger than me.

    From the two comments related above in this post, I now know that she and him have done a pretty good job in persuading everyone else that I am, indeed, the 'dirty old cunt' he accused me of being during the first attack, despite the strange fact that it was her who invited me out for a friendly meal the last time.

    So it is not just that one friend who I am having to deal with, and it turns out it never was. My spark has been diminished because I am now concerned about reinforcing the prejudice just by trying to make people laugh. Oh well.

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  7. Well Tom, this too shall pass.....and I'm sorry that you are sitting alone nursing your wounds....but remember that you cannot trust anyone when alcohol is involved...there is a saying along the lines of 'beer in and sense out' or somesuch.....perhaps a break from 'The Bell' will be a good thing for a short while...chin up..x

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  8. Tom, I am sorry. I don't like the image of you sitting alone in a corner. I hope things work out in the end for you, and for the best.
    Greetings Maria x

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    1. Everything will be ok, sure, but fighting post viral illness has reduced energy levels needed to put it right sooner. I cannot be bothered with a fight at the moment.

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  9. Hm, this was a bit of a sobering post. I have always seen you as a very integral part of The Bell (one of the stools bearing your butt print and all) and I fully understand the desire not to go straight home after work. It's nice to have that little buffer zone when you go from one part of your life (work) to the next (home).

    It's an odd thing with rumors and lies. Anybody can make any claim about you and, all of a sudden, you are supposed to provide proof that it isn't so? In a lot of cases you can't proof what is a lie and why should you even have that obligation imposed upon you?

    Maybe your old pub friend was just worn a little thin by other things in his life and this led to his strong reaction towards you - you being in the wrong place at the wrong time, posting the wrong thing and all. BUT he certainly did forget that every relationship is a two-way street and, as you rightly pointed out to us, you listened to him and his fantasies about lesbian life. At that point you could have told him: "I don't want that sort of thing from you." But you just happened to not do that.

    I hope that grass will grow over the whole thing. I can't figure out what they've got against you.

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  10. I did point out that his complaint worked both ways but - like the rest of us - he is self obsessed. I will only be a pariah for a short while. Loyalty is fickle.

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  11. It must be something in the water worldwide, I've had something much tamer but similar happen to me earlier in the week. No alcohol was involved, but there was a feeling that a breach in trust and expectation occurred.

    Part of me doesn't want to sort it out at all and another part wants to in order to have a sense of closure.

    And, it could be we were all just in a mood and it has passed.

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    1. I am tempted to blame the world-wide atmosphere of devisiveness which has recently been created by people being given a voice!

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  12. I recently had a slight conflict with a neighbour who's boyfriend had been using our lawn as a dog-bog for over two years. Lady M eventually asked him to go elsewhere, and she wasn't happy. She came to the house and started shouting and insulting. I think that we are now the 5th local family that have nothing more to do with them. No loss.

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    1. Came INTO the house? Did she leave by the window?

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