Saturday 1 October 2016

Sound advice for both sexes


I have just given a handy hint to Libby on the subject of backsides and the best way to present them. I am something of an expert, you see.

The last photo was of a row of ladies whose rear-ends have been made generically uniform by being stuffed into blue denim, making it very difficult to answer your questions about which one I would rather stalk follow. To be blunt (as if any pre-Kim Kardashian man has ever answered the question, "Does my bum look big in this?" with a "Yes") it is quite easy to assess the volume of each arse, just impossible to guess how it is going to settle once released from the Levi's.

I have spent many years researching the subject, and my findings (to be published as a scientific journal very soon) are that a loose-fitting, silk crepe skirt or dress would compliment any backside, with the possible exception of John Gray's.

The trouble is that silk crepe is primarily a tactile textile, and we all know what happens these days if you put your intuition to the ultimate test. I have never yet seen a backside which is so attractive that it is worth a six-month prison sentence and a lifetime on an offenders register if you do anything other than look at it.

Also, there is only a certain of time that you may look at it without being placed on the same register, but the semi-permissible duration is not written down in any manual. My advice is: Don't stop walking and turn around in the street; Don't stand there with your arms folded, staring down at it at parties; Always use an averted glance which is not noticed by the recipient (if possible), and -  above all - don't talk about it no matter how drunk you are.

I have fallen foul of my own advice many times over the years, and the last one was when I thought I would pay what I considered to be a compliment to a 60 year-old woman who was the advisor on 'Women's Issues' to Ken Livingstone when he was both Mayor of London and previously on the left-wing council whose offices were on the South Bank. I must have been half-drunk and suicidally depressed at the time.

She spun round and slapped me hard on the cheek, spitting out vitriolic warnings as to what would happen to me if I ever did something like that again. Needless to say, I didn't.

Someone once asked Captain Beefheart why he always wore baggy trousers, and his answer was, "I don't want to put my balls in a cloth window."

19 comments:

  1. In an American university a professor was recently punished because he had called two female students "gorgeous" - others felt 'wounded' by being omitted!
    Really - I don't know what these times will come too - I love compliments, and don't feel ommitted either - I mean: just looking doesn't hurt? I think I draw the line at pinching :-)

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    1. Both I and H.I. often call young girls, 'gorgeous'. They are, so why not? I don't like to be pinched either, so I quite understand.

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  2. The good captains 'grow fins' is one of my all time favourite songs Tom...and I agree about the silk on the behind....very pleasing...who was the c+w singer who told Bonnie Rait 'stick with me kid and you'll be farting through silk not cotton'....?

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    1. That's a little ditty which has passed me by.

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  3. You can pinch my bum anytime ..... it might make me feel young again !!! XXXX

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  4. My mother always wore silk French knickers. She couldn't bear the cotton things I wore.

    P and me also admire good looking bottoms when we see them. I thought all the bottoms in your picture yesterday were awful.

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  5. Somehow I'm reminded of that ghastly word 'Bootilicious' (sp?). Something to do with that evenly ghastly Kim K.

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  6. May i remind you that i was once voted " best arse" in Prestatyn High School's 6 th form

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    1. And I was called a 'prize knob', but it had nothing to do with my willy.

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  8. I am a cctv star for there are clips of by posterior being pinched by a certain female all over Ireland.

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  9. Correkshun - Oi meaned to ave said my not by.
    Tiz a great brand of sauce ternite Rodney.

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