Tuesday 20 September 2016

More DIY


If you ever gave it a second thought, you will be pleased to know that I have finally assembled the flat-pack Workmate. This was achieved by carrying out the instructions in reverse, or ignoring them completely. What I am going to do today is convert it into a specialised bit of kit for one job only.

In the days before all cars were fitted with primitive computers as standard, I used to carry out my own maintenance on them, and once completely rebuilt the engine of my Volvo Amazon 122s (above) by taking it out and dismantling every moving part of it before reassembling it. To my amazement, it started first time I turned the key.

Every proper mechanic will tell you that you will always be left with a cupful of redundant nuts and bolts which you have no idea about where they came from after such a rebuild, even though you have - as I did - put all the various small parts into labelled paper cups for safe keeping and re-fitting.

They will also tell you that the engine will run perfectly without them, and you will never, ever find out from where they originated. My belief is that there are mischievous goblins whose sole purpose on earth is to confuse humans by sprinking handfuls of metalware around garages at night to amuse themselves.

In the old days, anyone with a basic understanding of mechanics (possibly picked-up by holding a torch for your father as I did) could maintain their cars by referring to a 'Haynes Manual' on their make and model. The Haynes motor museum is quite close to Bath but in deeper Somerset, and they employ a team of people and photographers to take every major make of car apart whilst photographing the procedure, then put it all back together again before publishing it as a manual with text. They are brilliant books if you enjoy the misery that classic car ownership brings.

Since most of my earlier cars are now considered classics, they often came with a Haynes Manual as part of the sale. If you flicked through it before deciding to buy, you could always tell which part of the vehicle had given the most problems, because the pages dealing with that section were covered in black, oily fingerprints.

I work close to someone who fixes classic cars for a living. If I did what he did, all you would hear from my workshop would be a constant torrent of foul language and screams of impotent frustration, but for him these problems mean £50 per hour, so all is quiet. You need a lot of money to keep a good, classic car, and all of his clients are pretty wealthy.

I could - with suffient resources - become quite obsessed with old cars (like a lot of things), but all I look for in transport these days is  a reasonably inexpensive vehicle which starts when asked to and pulls me and my load with relative ease.

I would NOT want a car without electronic ignition, fuel-injectors and an on-board engine management system unless I employed a full-time, live-in mechanic on my estate.

33 comments:

  1. I have a feeling that I have already said most of this, so you will be forgiven if you skip it completely and wait for me to write about sex again.

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  2. No, I liked reading this.
    My brother in law is an auto electrical mechanic (not sure you say it like this in English), he collects and fixes classic cars.
    Greetings Maria x

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  3. I think that's the first time I've read Haynes manual, and remembered by brothers arguing over repair/restoration of junker my mother bought to keep them out of trouble.

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  4. I have always been impressed by men who knew lots about car repairing. (I was also impressed that my ex-sister-in-law had such skills.)
    Did you UK folks ever have access to a very popular National Public Radio program called The Car Guys, presented by two very amusing and over-educated car guys from Boston? Lots of folks, like myself, who didn't even own a car were huge fans.

    Best wishes.

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    1. Yes! Car Talk! I love that show even though I don't know the first thing about cars. It was so funny!

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    2. I know zero about car mechanics, but I did occasionally listen to Klick and Klack.

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    3. Nope - never saw any of these, though we watched a lot of other U.S. crap!

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    4. Radio shows, Tom. And definitely worth a listen, humor mixed with a high quality of information.

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    5. Radio shows, Tom. And definitely worth a listen, humor mixed with a high quality of information.

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  5. I still rather like cars that have 4 plugs, an easily reachable distributor, a hole for petrol, and wind-down windows.

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    Replies
    1. Well you must be even more contented than I thought you were.

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  6. There's nothing worse than redundant nuts !!!! ..... I thought that I'd bring it back to sexual body parts ..... I know nothing about car maintenance and manuals, I just drive it. XXXX

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    1. I am probably still firing live rounds, though that makes little difference to any women of child-bearing age.

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  7. Must haves include electric windows and central locking.
    The garage that does the service has to be close to the shops.

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  8. Replies
    1. In a starnge way, so do I - especially owning an automatic. I used to crank a 4.5 V8, and this was easier than a 4 cylinder, but if there was a missfire, then you could easily break an arm.

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    2. starngely I thought it was a rather sweet error.

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  9. Our first car (first marriage - bought a car around 1958) was a little Reliant three wheeler van (£50). Because my husband drove it on a motor bike licence for a year we had to have the reverse gear blocked off. We had some hair-raising experiences in it I can tell you.

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    1. On tight corners? Ah, the Robin. For all those bikers who never got a car licence.

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  10. THAT IS A BEAUTY!!! I really love cars but know nothing about them technically. Your description of those bolts and nuts made me think about Ingvar Kamprad and his Ikea, lots of bolts that fits absolutely nowhere and lots of time for foul language ( not frpm me you understand ) and howling ( from me).
    One of the things I tend to miss when summer is over, is the great amount of old, beautiful cars slowly gliding down the roads. With those new cars you don't need a mechanic, you need an engineer.

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    1. The 122s was the most efficient engine of its time, and only 1800cc. It went like a rocket and looked good too.

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    2. With the new cars you need someone to plug in a laptop and not a lot else

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    3. Laptop, yes - and quite a lot else too, believe me.

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  11. I am currently married to a "car buff" whose current passion is M.G.s My own father did all of his own body work and mechanical work. Neither one of them is/was a mechanic. Our son shows no interest in taking apart or putting back together an automobile. When we went to England we visited (well, husband did, I was just along for the ride) the British Car Museum. They had an MG sliced in half. -Jenn

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    1. Saying that you are 'currently' married to a car buff makes me think you are planning a divorce. I have always hated MGs, except for the one with a 4 litre engine, and it is only the engine I am interested in with that model.

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    2. I only just realized how that sounded. As well, I used the word "current" too much. No divorce, just lots of patience.

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