Saturday 13 August 2016

Jewel in the crown of Bath


I once made an entire and convincing website for this ficticious hotel, using the above graphics, but I could not face dealing with the hundreds of enquiries from gullible people that it would have attracted, so I did not publish it.

I had driven past this building many times, and it obviously once used to be some sort of guest house, but for many years it seems to have been occupied by people who were not used to living in houses, let alone having neighbours who weren't living in anything which did not have wheels attached. It is still there, but has deteriorated even further - which would be a big dissapointment for anyone turning up who expected it to be as attractive as it looks in this photo.

I thought that I could list it on Trip Advisor and write many reviews for it under many different pseudonyms, but this would have been a rather time-consuming joke, no matter how much it amused me, so it is still languishing on the website builder.

If it ever came up for sale, I think it could make quite a bit of money from it as the quirkiest hotel in Britain. I would leave the facade exactly as it is - including the abandoned cars - make sure the the interior just about complied with regulations, and I would employ very surly staff who have a minimal grasp of English, along with the worst cook I could find, who would provide breakfast between 6.30am and 7.30am, then refuse to serve anyone who arrived a second after.

After all, Basil Fawlty was based on a real hotelier who was so rude that to stay in his establishment became a regular treat for all the celebrities who booked in just to be insulted by him. Here are some comments in the guest book:

“Very nice”.   Dave Tillman - Managing director, ‘YourPhone’ Ltd.


“Couldn’t fault it”.  Darren Spink - ‘Up Yours’ scaffolding, Bexhill.


“Couldn’t finish
the breakfast!”   Sean Tomlinson - ‘Cockayne’ shopfitters, Hounslow.


“Gorgeous dog!”  Phil Drayton - ‘GHB Security’, Milton Keynes.


“We will come
next year!”   Joanne Babcock, Cheam Naturist Society.


“So quiet!”   Jim Netherwell, R.N.I.D.


“Thank you for
having me”.   Cindy Merkin, ‘Bremerton’, USA!



“このホテルは最高なんだよ”   Mr. A. Takada, Japan.

20 comments:

  1. Having told you about our Basil Fawlty moment in Sorrento, we had another one at a Bed and Breakfast in Matlock. He told us that we couldn't have a drink before dinner as he was watching Coronation Street, told our children off { who were small at the time } for dropping a few crumbs from their toast at breakfast and we had to be in by 8.00 p.m. !! .... God only knows why he decided to run a B & B !!!!!
    The Bremerton looks like a front for a seedy brothel ! XXXX

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    Replies
    1. It could well be. I've never dared to ring the doorbell.

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  2. Room Service? Can you send up a towel.

    Yes sir, but you'll have to wait, someone else is using it.

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    Replies
    1. I had that very experience when asking for a bar of soap in a fancy hotel in Cairo.

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  3. How did you come to select the name 'Bremerton'? Is there more attached to the name than four famous musicians?

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    Replies
    1. I've never heard of the musicians. This is the name on the tattered awning.

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    2. Fact checking: The Bremen Town musicians. Those childish misunderstandings.

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    3. Nope - still never heard of them, even though I know Bremen (the German one) quite well.

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  4. There was a pub' outside Farnham called (I think) The Cricketers. It overlooked a classic Cricket pitch in a small Surrey village. The landlord was of the Fawlty ilk, and would turn off the lights if you ordered beer saying 'There's no profit in beer, you'll have to drink in the dark'. Funny man.

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    Replies
    1. I wooed a Norwegian nanny in that pub (and in the fields outside).

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  5. A satisfied customer? You should have him stuffed.

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  6. As usual my comment is that I must have led a very sheltered life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you visit Bath, I'll book you in, Weave.

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  7. There is a character on my blog who has your hair style ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing to do with me. In fact, I know not of what you speak.

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    2. Ah - now I understand. I hope you refer to the top picture, and not the others.

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  8. Tom, you are a very amusing fellow. I'm wondering if you are still planning, or even already writing, that book?

    On the hotel promotion front, there is a company called Trivago that promises to provide computerized cheapest prices for hotel rooms. Hundreds of commercials, featuring the same odd spokesman, appear daily on cable news networks over here. I don't know if Trivago's services are available in the UK.

    Best wishes.

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    Replies
    1. I try not to attract the attention of things like Trivago, so there may be it here, or maybe not.

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