Friday, 8 July 2016

Very interesting underwear


I think we all deserve a little weekend break from Brexit and Chilcot, so here's some good news about candlesticks:

Good news: I sold the latest collection of 8 (above) for £650 to someone who lives in Lyon, France.


Bad news: He hasn't paid for them yet. I am guessing that he is having problems pushing his way through the football supporters to get to the bank. That would be my excuse.

I am supposed to be teaching a young mason modelling (no, not THAT sort of modelling and not THAT sort of mason, John) today, but I have a bad back. Back problems are a rarity for me, especially considering how I have spent the last 40 years and the weight of stone and marble. I am tall, but a lot of my height is in my legs. I suppose you could say that I am tall from the waist down.

In the days when banks had desks and chairs - the days when people used paper - I turned away from a woman in front of me to sneeze, and my back went into spasm with crippling flashes of pain. It took me numerous attempts to stand up over about 20 minutes, to go to the tills and ask them to call me a taxi.

The teller did not say, "You're a taxi!" as I might have done, but did comment that they were wondering what I was trying to do at the desk for so long. When the taxi arrived, it took me to my car which was parked only a mile or so away, and I took so long in lowering myself into the driving seat whilst hanging onto the door frame, that a couple of young mothers who were close by considered calling the police to tell them that a very drunk man was about to drive a car. I know this, because they told me. They had spent the same sort of time wondering what I was doing as the bank teller had.

I drove the mile home and had to call in a young lady to tie my shoelaces for about a week afterwards.

This was the first time I had ever had back problems, so I needed to reassure myself that the pain was muscular, and not vertebrae. Someone recommended a reasonably priced chiropractor, so I called him up. I asked him to come round to my place, and he said that he didn't make home visits, so I booked an appointment with him.

I drove to his practice, and found that it was situated in a basement at the bottom of a flight of extremely steep and narrow stone steps which were covered in very slippery, green algae. He waited at the bottom the three minutes it took for me to get down, his meter running the whole time.

The first half hour was spent by me lying face down with a heat-lamp on my back, giving me plenty of time to scan the walls for decoration. There was a certificate which stated that he had been qualified as a chiropractor for about 2 months. He was in his late 50s, so I asked what he had done before that. He had been a salesman, he said, then he started a bit of massage. There was something slightly creepy about him, as I had been warned by my friend.

All he said was, "You have very strong shoulders," and I said that it was them which had got me into this mess in the first place. Then after I had dressed and paid, he began to book me in for 4 more sessions. When I refused them, he seemed a little concerned for my welfare, but he need not have worried - I was better within a few days as I had predicted to him.

About a year later, H.I. went to the same man. She got the same treatment, but all he said to her before trying to book her in for 4 more sessions was, "You have very interesting underwear."

43 comments:

  1. John - did your PR manager tell you to bin the fox abuse post? I'm not surprised - you will never get your own series with the animal rights lot on your back.

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    1. He's gone all gooey now

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    2. In his interesting underwear, maybe.

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    3. The ones with the yellow stains on the front?

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  2. It took me a minute or two to work out the taxi joke.

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    1. First time you've heard it?

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    2. Maybe, but seeing it written down threw me. Morecambe and Wise said that a Norwich audience was always the most difficult to get a laugh from.

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    3. I didn't get it at all. Just re-read it. Yes, funny. Slightly.

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    4. What do you think this is? Stand-up? If there is one thing I can do, it is destroy hecklers - so long as I have 5 minutes to think about it, which is less time than most of you lot take to get a 40 year-old joke.

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    5. You think I don't know?

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  3. That candlestick on the end on the left still looks wonky to me !!!!!
    Your chiropractor story reminds me when I went to the osteopath and booked in with the son. The old boy, who was retired, said that his son had been called away and that he would take the appointment. Face down, there were some very funny noises going on and, he didn't charge me !!!!!!!!! XXXX

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    1. You still paid for it - with your dignity by admitting it here.

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    2. BTW - You know that women don't have prostate glands, don't you?

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    3. If he got something out of it..... So be it !!! I had ' treatment ' for free !!!!! XXXX

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    4. I was thinking more of getting something into it.

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  4. Competiton number 2: I have no less than (and no more than) two credits in this month's (August - keep up) World of Interiors Magazine. Can you spot me, darlings?

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    1. Sorry, I only take Tatler.

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    2. I had you down as an 'The Lady' subscriber - incontinence knickers with home companion, etc.

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    3. I get it delivered in a plain brown envelope.

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    4. I bought the Magazine in Waitrose this morning and spotted a restored Bath surround fireplace. Is that one of them?

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    5. I made all the fire-surrounds for that house. I made about 20 others for his neighbours as well - all within three streets of Soho. The last few were a couple of months ago, and the first were over 20 years ago, beginning with David's house.

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    6. Ah yes, funny I can see your name now; when I looked at it first time I just saw the fireplace and thought it must be you. Nice. I see it is possible to book a private guided tour of the house.

      I like Julian David's Devon farmhouse in the same issue. Have you ever been there? You could have a Jungian reading.

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  5. I get " Big and Beefy monthly"

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  6. Tom, glad your back's recovered and hope you get your cash soon. The Wales team are whooping it up in Cardiff so no excuses.

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    1. Didn't they do well? I'm not normally one for football, but I was rooting for Wales that night. To get so far was an historical event in itself - move aside, Rugby...

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  7. I'm surprised no one has asked what was so interesting about H.I.'s underwear.

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    1. We know what to ask and what not to ask

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    2. Shawn has a good point. H.I.'s underwear is as exclusive as the outer garments. For the last 30 or so years, she has favoured 'La Perla'.

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    3. H.I has good taste ...... I have a few La Perla numbers.... Maybe that's what got the osteopath going !!!!! XXXX

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    4. This definitely explains his comment.

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    5. Yes, but it doesn't explain his comment about my shoulders.

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  8. Is there a collective noun for candlesticks?

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  9. Thank you, Tom, that was an inspiring and interesting story. I feel guilty saying I laughed knowing the pain must have been immense!! Clever location of that chiropractic however, if you didn't have problems when you got there, you would certainly have after one or two falls!
    I hope you found someone better, and got paid for those lovely candlesticks!

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    1. The best thing about that visit was the knowledge that there was nothing wrong with the boney part of my back. The Frenchman promises to pay by Sunday...

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  10. I have had a few problems with back spasms and totally sympathise with you. They always seem to happen with little or no warning and great inconvenience. .. though so far at least I have been able to make "conveniences"!

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    1. You get about as much warning as would be given by someone creeping up behind you and hitting you over the head with a spanner.

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  11. Can't help feeling Tom that the number of comments you have got here is closely related to the title of your post.

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    1. You could be right, Weave. People are fundamentally coarse on the whole, are they not?

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  12. Tom, since you appear to be an authority on candlesticks would you mind emailing me your email address? I'd really appreciate your advice on two heavy weights which came into my possession a few years ago.

    Thanks,
    U

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